43 and surprise pregnancy

[suladb]

Hi, I am 43 and having been desperate for a third child I have spent the last 2 years thoroughly coming to terms with the fact it wasn’t going to happen. This morning I found out I am pregnant. I now love my life and having been really looking forward to the coming years, entering our new phase. My dd’s are 5 and nearly 3 and I really feel like we were coming out the other side of the bay phase. I feel shocked to my core to discover my ‘under the weather’ is actually a pregnancy. I didn’t think this could happen given my poor fertility history, but I also feel torn.

A part of me is hoping for a miscarriage to give me ‘an out’. I am so scared of birth defects, learning difficulties or stillbirth and the impact on my other children of any of these things. Being older, I really don’t want to leave my two healthy girls with care responsibilities when we go. I have been in there and it takes a massive toll on lives. It’s why we ended up having kids so late ourselves. I am also now so thoroughly invested in our future plans for travel and adventures it seems hard to let that go. My husband is 50 and we just aren’t equipped with close family to help out. It’s us on our own and that’s fine….as we are.

I hate to admit that termination has crossed my mind and I wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and what they chose. It would be so helpful to hear from people a few years further on than me, whatever they chose.

Hi op I am 44 and totally understand you not wanting to start over and all of the associated risks but I would get honest professional advice just to keep your mind straight. Make sure the decision is right for you. I don't think there is a right or wrong decision here only what's in your gut 💐

Hi. I relate to some of your post. Unexpected pregnancy at 44 and older dc were 8 and 6. I'd really wanted a 3rd but after 3 miscarriages had stopped trying years before and was coming to terms with no more kids. I was so very negative through the pregnancy - for loads of the reasons you mention. I was so scared of late loss, health problems for the baby, labour issues. But my negativity was so much more about fears rather than not wanting the baby. I just couldn't believe it could work out and be OK. Anyway it did and he is 5. And I'm 50!! It is hard work and I am old and tired. But I kind of think I'd be old and tired if I didn't have him. It's really nice feeling complete and having a bigger family and my older kids adore him most of the time... one other thing to say that even with my planned pregnancies I've always been exceptionally negative at the start or pregnancy and felt like I've not wanted the baby. Reckon it's a hormone thing for me.

Also we are just back from a festival and long road trip, done this most years since he was born ( when able). so we do still manage some types of travel with dc3. I do watch my friends who don't have small kids with a bit of envy - it is harder than it would have been had we stopped at 2 but each year is easier.

I have had a termination but not in the same circumstances.

But just to point out that the majority of the 200,000 odd women who have terminations every year are mothers, many of whom will have made that decision because it’s the right one for their family.

Whatever is right for you is the right thing to do.

Thank you for giving your views without judgment. It is all still such a shock that we are in still in turmoil, but it’s good to get out of the echo chamber of my competing fears.

I'm 44 and similar position but my daughters are 14 and 11. The way I look at it, the odds are still very much in my favour, so I'm less concerned about birth defects or higher genetic risks at my age. I feel more that it will help keep us young (though maybe not in the long run lol). I really enjoyed being around and learning to help look after very young children as a teen, so I am looking forward to that for my own kids.

I strongly believe in the right to choose though. Termination isn't something I would do personally unless a pregnancy was life-threatening or not likely to survive. However, I absolutely feel that I and others should have the bodily choice to do so for whatever reason or priorities they feel matter. That's a very individual decision though.

I had a counselling session with Marie Stopes International - only half an hour but helpful.

This isn't a maths test - there isn't one right answer and one wrong answer. There will be feelings either way! That's ok.

I'm 40 and have DC of similar ages (6 and 3) and I can completely understand where you are coming from. There is no "right" answer to whether you choose to continue with the pregnancy and given your conflicted feelings it might be worth seeking out some specialist counselling so you can discuss things with an uninvested third party.

An option to consider if you decide to go ahead is the NIPT (I had this at 10 weeks with both of my pregnancies) and possibly an amnio/CVS if you can run to this privately. Obviously this isn't fool proof but might ease some of your concerns.

All the best OP.

Hi, I have just turned 43 and just discovered I am 5 weeks pregnant . Thought it was game over as my periods over past year so irregular ; thought it was premenopausal to be honest , I already have a 9 and 6 year old: , how are you finding your pregnancy ? I feel I am too old to start again ?

I had my third child at 43 - a surprise, and several years after having made my peace with not having a third. I was apprehensive, to say the least, when I found out.

BUT: the pregnancy was totally straightforward, the baby was healthy and strong when born, and despite my worries, having a baby again was a walk in the park compared to the first time!

He is now a pre-schooler, and I can say that it’s been orders of magnitude easier than I’d thought it would be. The age gap (6 and 8 years to the older two) has meant I’ve had eager helpers capable of cooing at him while I cooked dinner / showered / all the other things you can’t do with a tiny baby in your arms, and as he has grown through toddlerhood it’s his greatest joy just to hang out with the older ones and their friends. It has been so, so much easier than it was with the first 2 and their 2 year age gap.

If in your heart you want another child, I would say go for it!

That’s very encouraging to hear, thank you. I don’t know why I feel too old