Should I have 2nd abortion

[Rhubarbandcustard1]

i know I might get a great deal of bad feeling but I am at my wits end and desperately need advice. I had an affair with a person I have know a long time. My marriage had been bad for a long time but I was too much of a coward to leave. I became pregnant. I knew I had to leave to have the baby or to have an abortion to stay in my marriage, I have two children. I had the abortion which I never thought I would be able to do. It was very traumatic and I regretted it deeply. My husband found out and threw me out. (I know I deserved this) I have since had a great deal of mental health problems which I won’t go into. I was so desperate to replace the baby that I have got pregnant again. It really hasn’t made the guilt go away. I have left the person I had an affair with to try and get my head straight and I don’t know if I will go back to him. Is it selfish to continue the pregnancy when I have mental health problems, no where to live, massive debts from my last marriage and I’m trying to pay the rent for my husband so our children can continue to live in there home. A baby will put a big strain on my children who are already finding the whole thing difficult. I who that I have made so terrible decisions and things are a complete mess. I guess I could just use some impartial advice.

You should definitely seek some impartial advice, but if you don't actually want to have a baby, cannot provide for one, and are worried about the impact on your existing DC, then yes, an abortion does seem like the most sensible option.

You clearly need MH support more generally too, as you sound like you're spiralling and not at all in control at the moment.

You've correctly identified that you've got pregnant to replace the previous pregnancy - not because you want a baby.

Your situation sounds chaotic and unstable. In your position I would not continue with the pregnancy and seek mental health help.

You need to put the children you already have first. Their whole lives have been blown up because of your actions. Don’t make this any harder for them.

Well no one can give you impartial advice because we don’t really know all the details, including the length of your current pregnancy. My advice for what it is worth is that you are already struggling to physically and emotionally support the children you have, so how do you think a third child will improve the situation?

I don’t actually think the number of abortions you have is the issue.

Is it selfish to continue the pregnancy when I have mental health problems, no where to live, massive debts from my last marriage and I’m trying to pay the rent for my husband so our children can continue to live in there home. A baby will put a big strain on my children who are already finding the whole thing difficult.

If you are looking for genuine advice, based on the above I would not continue with the pregnancy. Far too many negative factors that would effect both your existing and future children.

Try and access some MH services too, you sound very unstable and vulnerable.

Thank you all for your advice, I guess my fitness to be a mother is very limited.

It's not your fitness to be a mother that any of us are questioning (we don't know you!), but as you point out, the situation you are in is far from ideal. Your marriage has broken down as a result of your cheating, you have two DC who are already struggling with the situation, you're not in a relationship with the father, you have MH problems, lots of debt and nowhere to live.

I would honestly focus on sorting all that out, as that sounds like more than enough for anyone to deal with. Adding in a new pregnancy to the situation would be madness and cause further upset to your ex and your DC, not to mention giving yourself even more to cope with

I know, it is clear when you list it out like that. I guess part of me was hoping that it was something I could do right. But I need to focus on my two girls and try and put that right. Thankyou for taking your time to reply

Your situation sounds chaotic and unstable. In your position I would not continue with the pregnancy and seek mental health help

I agree with this. What a sad mess. I hope you can find your way back, OP.

Is the father of the baby your ex-husband, or the man you had an affair with? Or someone completely new? It’s all a bit confusing tbh. I would first sort the mess you’ve got yourself into. Esp sort your mh out. Hope your okay

Only you can decide whether you want to keep the baby or not. All the things you have listed, can all be resolved with or without a third child. I don’t think anyone should be saying that it is wrong to keep it. It’s entirely your choice either way. Again, only you know whether you can put yourself through another termination knowing the last one was traumatic for you. Resolving your debt, relationships and mental health are likely to be more challenging with a third child, but not impossible. You are worth choosing the best for yourself - you don’t have to punish yourself. Decide what kind of life you want to live and go do it.

OP, you were in a marriage that you no longer wanted to be in, and while it wasn’t an ideal route, you are now out of that marriage.

Now is the time to start building your life as Mum to your girls in your new situation. This will be made immeasurably harder for everyone with a new baby in the mix. Especially one with a father who has vamoosed from you.

I think in your upset, panic and confusion you made a mistake in getting pregnant again.

Time to focus on your life as a single mum, away from the marriage you were not happy in.

Good luck.

I am so sorry you are having a rough time OP.

The key things you need to do are stop beating yourself up, and access some support.

I think you know yourself that another baby is just not possible right now. Your first duty is to the children you have, and yourself, and things are just to stretched and chaotic.

Focus on rebuilding a future for you and your two kids.

See OP this is the beating yourself up that has to stop. It’s taking all the energy that should be going on building a future. The fact it’s not the time to have a baby doesn’t mean you are a bad mother, it means you don’t have the resources for another kid.

Please stop looking back and start looking forward. You owe it to your two girls and yourself

Thank you everyone for your advice, I’ve made an appointment for a termination. I want to have, it but for everyone’s sake I think it’s best.

No one can make this decision for you: but from outsider one thing I can comment on is too many people have kids for many different reasons without thinking ahead, ie: about costs/place to live/relationship stability/mental health etc you name it. What happens then baby arrives and adds more strain and stress for everyone. I personally believe (and it is only my own belief) to some extend u have to be prepared for a baby as they Need a lot of emotional and financial support and these things all impact on kids childhood and adulthood lives. We think kids just need love and this is correct but they also need to be set up in life, be brought up in environment that is stable , not grow worrying about money all the time! And I only say this because it will 100 per cent always effect kids growing up and only in late adulthood do we see the damages caused.
I agree with everyone you need mental health support and time for you, sadly I don’t think a baby is the solution, it is a catalyst for things getting worst. It is not selfish it is actually a selfless act if you think about it by not wanting to bring a kid into the chaos. But everyone will have different opinion on this, I just think right now I’m society too many people have kids cause they believe it is time or they should, without thinking ahead of time! You guilt lies in the decision you made but who is to say that was wrong, sounds more like you are unhappy and lost. But your kids and husband do not define who u are

You need some help with your mental health and to sort some contraception. Hope everything works out for you. X

Without sounding nasty af.. I think you should have the abortion, and get your shit together, work on yourself, get counselling and be proactive with your life, it sounds like one big disaster waiting to happen.

It’s never a selfish act to bring a life into this world. Have your baby.
Given what you have said about your 1st abortion having a second one will not make things better. If anything it could make things worse.
Its ok to have your baby.
i Hope you have some real life support.

Yes OP, you don't need a new baby right now. To avoid such dilemmas in future, get a good form of contraception that suits you - preferably coil, implant etc. that you don't have to take every day.

I would have the baby and a fresh start x

It’s never a selfish act to bring a life into this world

Absolute rubbish.

OP, you’re in a massive mess, have the consultation and hopefully that’ll help.

You also need to get divorced. You can’t be homeless while paying for your ex’s rent, how can you see your children if you don’t have stable accommodation?

Might be worth reposting in relationships for advice on the general situation.

How far along are you, OP?

I’m 8 weeks x

In that case, given your situation, I would have another termination, and do it quickly before you are too far along. You don't seem to be in a strong enough place to bring another baby into the world right now. And you need to get on some reliable contraception, such as a coil or an implant. Something which isn't susceptible to human error.

For what it's worth, your husband doesn't have the automatic right to custody of your children and to stay in the family home which you are paying for just because you had an affair.

Yes, you did something wrong, but that doesn't mean you should be excessively punished for it. You also deserve a stable home and to have your children with you.

People cheat on their spouses all the time. That doesn't mean they should be made homeless.