People telling me to be excited about my pregnancy

[BohoAristo]

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and a first-time mum at 39. The pregnancy has been routine to the max so far - no symptoms in my first trimester, some headaches in the second and now just the typical bits of discomfort that come with a very changed body in the third.

The lack of symptoms in the first trimester did freak me out a bit. I didn't experience any of the things that women are led to expect to be 'normal' - sickness, fatigue, craving, etc. While many would default to the word 'lucky' for this, it really did a number on my mental health - I genuinely felt that I was being gaslit by my pregnancy for a long time. It took me well into the second trimester to get my head into the mindset that this is actually happening. But now my head is there, I'm so happy about this pregnancy and where my life is now, after getting to a point where I thought it might not happen. I'm so optimistic for my little one and have every hope that things continue to be as routine as they have been so far.

That said: I am fed up with people - my mum, a couple of friends, a boss at work, many others - all telling me that I must be excited. "Oh it's so exciting!" "You must be do excited!" "It's getting exciting now!"

I haven't had that singular feeling of excitement that everyone seems to expect me to have. I have many emotions about this pregnancy: relief that I was able to conceive easily; nervousness about the effects of my age on it; trepidation about how my symptoms have been during the pregnancy; stress about what is going to happen to the successful and senior career I've built over the last 15 years; happiness that I'm going to have a hopefully healthy baby with my wonderful partner, but tempered by the worry that that's on the condition it all goes well.

I told the boss at work yesterday - for the second time - that I don't like people telling me to be excited, because my emotions are more complex than that and while trying to cope with that complexity, it's not easy to keep hearing the assumption that I should be excited. Her response was, "Well, I'm excited about it." And I nearly shut the call down right there. My mum is another one who, despite me telling her more than once that I'd appreciate it if she didn't keep calling the pregnancy 'exciting', has responded with "Well, I'm feeling excited."

You may think I'm being precious about this, but I'm just fed up with the expectation from other people that I should be feeling this particular emotion, with no empathy about the complexity of how I'm actually feeling. I feel like they're not hearing me or understanding why I'm making these requests to stop telling me to be excited.

Has anyone else had similar feelings?

I can sort of relate as I was terrified (of losing my baby) rather than excited as I'd lost my first baby in the second trimester the year before.

You're taking this incredibly personally though.
I would say this is just something people say, a stock response if you will, that is generally socially acceptable such as sorry for your loss (when maybe you had complex feelings towards the person who died) or how are you? (just being polite on the way to the shops).

People aren't trying to invalidate you but equally your complex feelings are not their concern. I'd smile and nod. It's good practice to be honest for all the future times this becomes necessary as a mother being given a million different opinions on your parenting!

I get you.
I had IVF for my son, had two previously MC, people would say to me you must be so excited and whilst I was, I was petrified everyday of loosing him.
I wasn't excited until he was literally born.

But I do think people say it and it's just something people say to people who are pregnant, you know with along the lines of 'are you sorted, is the nursery done'

Whilst it is an exciting time people obv don't know how your feeling in general.

Take it with a pinch of salt and I totally agree with pp, smile and nod because the things that can said once the baby is here are far worse tbh.

@BohoAristo
I hear ya, after 4 miscarriages no I'm a nervous rack never got past ten weeks, I'm now 21 weeks and still a walking mess, every ache or pain I get I believe it's over.

I'm exactly the same. Currently 38 weeks and had a very uncomplicated pregnancy (which I am very grateful for!) but I'm fed up with the use of the word excited. There are so many other emotions I'm feeling and excited is probably one of the last of them. I'm scared, nervous, stressed, tired, worried about birth, worried about how my partner will cope, worried about how I'll cope, worried about the bloody cost of living!

But having a baby IS exciting- the people around you ARE excited for you and are also optimistic that all will be ok. It's totally natural for people to say that- I do think you're taking it personally tbh.

That's not invalidating any of the emotions you are feeling and obviously it's you that's pregnant. Just try not to focus on that one word and embrace your own feelings x

I hear you, but people around you are excited to meet your baby and expressing their joy about this. I think you’re probably best just letting it go. Be prepared that when baby comes there will be an avalanche of unsolicited advice and opinions about baby and parenting, you find you get good at a smile and ignore response.

I’m getting this a lot currently because I’m getting married and despite me telling people how utterly terrified I am of the ceremony side of things, people repeatedly tell me how excited I must be and how it’s only X time away now. It freaks me out even more that others are keeping count and reminding me when I’ve stated I don’t want to talk about it. Clearly their feelings invalidate mine- they can be happy for us obviously but I’d rather not they make me worry even more.

Just repeatedly say “It is lovely, but I won’t relax until my baby is safely here and all is well, so let’s talk abo something else! Sorry but it makes me so anxious. How have you been? Been up to much?” … and that’s that. They should get fed up of you repeatedly telling them how anxious you are, they probably don’t want to talk about that too much.

I am sure all will be well Op but that’s how I’d handle it. Good luck. 😊

This is probably the calm, level-headed other opinion that is best for me to hear. Thanks for being frank but compassionate. Yes, it's a stock response, yes, my complex feelings are not their concern - I need to remember those things and distance myself from taking it personally. I think it had just overwhelmed me in the last couple of days (and it doesn't help that I'm a copywriter, so can easily overthink the nuance of words). This is my first post on this site, and you and the other sympathetically frank posters have been kind with your responses. Thanks for that🙏

My number one fear for my whole life was always giving birth, to the point I presumed I just wouldn’t have a baby because I couldn’t sign myself up for it. Somehow I managed to convince myself to try to get pregnant, all went went, had a c-section booked due to that severe anxiety.. and I was the same as you, all I kept getting were either people telling me to be excited or nosey people who I hadn’t heard from in months suddenly popping up to ask ‘how I am’ aka are you in labour? I was so sure I was going to die during the c-section and I couldn’t understand why I would be in any way excited about my own upcoming death (dramatic I know) 🙈 Now looking back, having survived (😧), I do think it was really exciting and I wish I could bottle all of those feelings from the first week because it was just the best but at the time I was too focused on my own safety and getting my baby here okay so I really couldn’t let myself go to the ‘excited’ place

I’m 37 weeks with my first baby at 40, and rarely have I felt excited - nervous about what it will be like, terrified something bad will happen, hormonal and weepy, full of love and protective of her safety, and even - I hate to admit - occasionally regretful.

But I’ve certainly spent a lot of the pregnancy telling everyone that, yes, I am so excited. And no, I can’t wait for my life to change forever. But of course I’m just dying to hear all your horrible birth and child rearing stories.

It makes me feel slightly uncomfortable to pretend I have no anxiety, but I accept it’s just social pleasantries really.

It’s hard to be excited when the baby feels just out of reach the whole time, and when you know all the things that could go wrong. And when, frankly, you have no real clue about what it’s going to be like. We’re all living with blind faith, hoping for the best.

I agree and understand your view point completely.

Yes I hate it too. It's such a stupid word and I don't know why people use it. Nobody can remain exited for 9 months, and like you say it is a time with many complex emotions. Exited it when you are about to go on a rollercoaster, or watch a scary film, or about to go out to the fuckin zoo or whatever. Not when you are having a baby. People also say it to me when I make big life moves. It's just not an appropriate emotion. People are weird though so just ignore them.