How much help would you have liked in first few months?

[Stargirl114]

My mum has very kindly offered to come over to help out with cooking and cleaning etc in the first few months with the baby. We are really very grateful for this. However, there is a slightly toxic relationship element here in that she could be emotionally abusive when I was growing up and is very much emotionally abusive to my dad. The last time they came to visit, I ended up in hospital when pregnant partly caused by the stress that their relationship had put me under.

she doesn’t mean to be abusive and is kind of like a small child in that you can’t really reason with her. She is very easily hurt and offended and while I’d be really grateful for the help, I’m also worrried about the stress that her having an off day will cause us. She is usually fine and really super helpful (cooks loads etc) and genuinely means well but if she has an off day for whatever reason and ends up shouting and threatening suicide etc it’s really very horrible. I then end up having to apologise for whatever I’ve done and spend a while talking to her and reassuring her that she’s not a bad person. Living in a healthy, non toxic relationship with DP for several years and being less in contact has really highlighted how toxic my home life dynamic was growing up.

how long do you think I should have her to stay for and how can I broach this without coming across ungrateful?

I can thing of nothing worse than having someone to stay tbh. DM popped over a couple of times a week for a cuddle with baby but the thought of having someone to stay whilst bleeding, with leaky boobs and a baby that was awake practically all night would have been my idea of hell, especially for ‘a few months’!

I would say to her you'll be able to manage without her if that's how it is. Sounds like a recipe for disaster in the making. She'll be criticising all your choices, constantly dripping poison in your ear about your DH and probably coming up with a load of nonsense about how to look after a baby. Mine was similar, lived 5 miles away and it was hard enough when she called in. Never did anything to physically help, just talked at me. I was so envious of those new mothers whose mum came and stayed for a couple of weeks after the baby was home, looked after and supported their daughter and son in law whilst they adjusted to parenthood and kept everything running smoothly in the background without being a PITA. That's what I want to be when/if I become a grandmother - the kind supportive presence I never got.

I'd never have wanted anyone staying with a newborn
My days worked out so that I napped when the baby did if I was tired and also had the odd 20 mins of tidying/washing/cleaning like a demon before sitting down with a book
Couldn't have done this with someone there that I had to interact with

Don't have her to stay. Let her visit and set ground rules that if she is a dick she leaves.

It's not time to pander to her over sensitivity. You'll have an actual child to look after.

Thanks so much for the quick and helpful replies. Just to add, the reason why it would be coming to stay is because we don’t live in the same country so I think my parents will want to be there for the birth at the very least (as do my dps who also live in a different country). But perhaps I can ask them to stay for a couple of weeks at the very most.

IMO the first 3 weeks are very chaotic and after that we were in a fairly manageable phase until the sleep regression hit about 5 months in.

I know people who’s parents / in laws actually got a cheap hotel nearby for the first month and visited frequently. I realise that this is prohibitively expensive for most but I think that is a pretty perfect set up.

Don’t underestimate the importance of your mental health above all things in the early days. You do not need the responsibility of an adult who cannot reasonably manage their own feelings / behaviour in the household constantly. I think your mother’s suggestion is a non-starter.

I didn't want lots of people buzzing about when mine were first born, especially first babies because its a lot of change and its nice to have time just as a new immediate family.

My family were great and popped in and out, my mum and sister came over a lot but we have always been very close so that didn't feel intrusive.

Can they stay somewhere else nearby and just come visiting a few times instead of pitching up in your house?

In your position I would tell everyone that they are not to come and stay until baby is born and settled into a routine so 4-6 weeks , if they want to visit before that it’s fine but you are not having guests stay . That way by the time your mum stays you will be all organised and can do things together with the baby . This is one of the downsides of not living near your relatives ( for them ) .