This isn't even a question, just a rant, so apologies to anyone who this comes across as entirely negative, it is, I just need a space to voice my feelings without consequence.
This morning I was walking up the stairs in agony & the thought went through my head that I wish I could just lie down on the floor and die so this would be over.
Fully appreciate I am clearly being completely hormonal and OTT but I just cannot cope with this pregnancy anymore. I suffer with perinatal anxiety and depression, this time I have been treated and I'm on sertraline and I've generally felt okay. I've recently been diagnosed with obstetric Choletasis and I feel like death warmed up. The itching is unbearable and is like torture. I've declined medication as I'm 37 weeks so I can't see the point in medicating a problem when I'm full term and having a c section at 39 weeks anyway.
I'm in constant pain, my toddler that was breastfeeding rarely is obsessed and asking all the time. I'm tired and feel crap. My mood is down the toilet and now it's another fucking heatwave. I'm honestly just fucking done.
This morning I've been thinking that I really don't want a girl. We don't know what we're having and I've honestly had no preference all the way through or before. I currently have a little boy and he's wonderful but a healthy baby is all I care about and yet I'm randomly thinking if it's a girl I probably can't love them and don't even want to name them and definitely don't want to breastfeed them.
What on earth is going on with me? I just want this baby out. I'm stressed and poorly and I don't want to cope anymore. This is all such worlds away from my first pregnancy.
I had an emergency c section with my son. He was born very poorly and was rushed down to NICU. We spend months in and out of a hospital far from home. It was hell and of course I don't really want an early baby but I honestly think I'd be crazy enough to cut them out myself right now the way I'm feeling.
How on earth to I keep going for another two weeks?!