I’m pregnant… How do I tell SIL?

[Whattodooo90]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some advice and hoping for a bit of a consensus. We found out last week that I’m pregnant. We’re so happy. We already have DD.

My SIL is a good friend and fantastic auntie to our DD. She’s an all round lovely person and we have a close relationship with her and her partner.

Unfortunately, she has been TTC her first pregnancy for over a year and her mental health has been deteriorating as a result. She’s a few years older than us, in her late 30s. We conceived DD1 during our first cycle which she knows (she asked outright when starting TTC herself) and we have been fortunate enough to have conceived this pregnancy just as quickly.

I want her to find out about this pregnancy in the most sensitive way possible. I think that she’ll be happy for us and excited about becoming an aunty again but I’m so worried about making her feel sad and about her mental health deteriorating further. Does have anyone have any thoughts as to how we should tell her? Should I tell her? Should my DH? Should she be told face to face or should one of us call her or even message her to allow her some space to be upset if she needs to be? Should we tell her alone, or with her DP? I feel so anxious about it all and really don’t know what I should be doing for the best. The situation is not helped that another close member of the family is also pregnant, however she is not yet aware of this.

Thanks for your thoughts

I’ve been that aunty, many times.

For me, a message, at a time when you know she’s somewhere at home and doesn’t have to watch her own reactions in front of you is the best way.

Face to face is much harder.

Message gives her time to process and reply cheerfully even if she doesn’t feel it.

She can be happy for you and still be sad for herself.

Message is always the kindest I think. I struggled with infertility for years and hated having to congratulate the person whilst inside I just wanted to cry and rant. A message gives the receiver time to process their emotions (and have a cry without an audience)

Definitely a text. Having to force a happy reaction to a face to face announcement is so hard, I've been in these situations and I'm always genuinely happy for the couple but am just clinging on until I can be alone and cry about my own situation being so different . With a text she can react privately at home and be prepared for the next time she sees you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thanks both. I understand what you’re saying it’s just that we’re all close and I’m just worried that a message will feel really impersonal and as though we anticipate her being upset (which we do I suppose). I know I’m probably overthinking this but I just don’t want to get it wrong

Text. I’ve been in her position. She’ll be happy for you but sad for her and will want time to compose herself. It’s lovely that you are considering her feelings.

Message. I've been there. In the time it took to conceive DD2, SIL jad 2 babies. The second one was such a punch in the gut

Text and if you're so close that would be odd maybe add that you know this might bring mixed emotions for her and you care for her so didn't want to force her into an uncomfortable situation face to face. Or similar?

You sound very kind and sensitive OP. Perhaps a text including an explanation (" I know this might be hard so I wanted to give you space by sending a text first.")

Text, ideally from her brother. Been there and had the full "surprise!" announcement. It felt awful. It's not impersonal to message, it gives her space and time to acknowledge her own emotions before focusing on your good news... She won't have that if you're there.

Fully agree with the text recommendations.

I think I agree with a text too.

I was in that position a few years ago and was told in front of the whole family, I had to put on a brave face on then I burst into tears later. It wasn't their fault they didn't actually know and of course I was happy for them but it hurt. It's was also really awkward because my mum did know what I was going through and she didn't react to my brother and his wife's news quite how she would have done otherwise probably because she felt stuck in the middle.

I really hope it works out for her. We now have our DS after 5 years and IVF so it is possible!

You could also add how you understand that it might be hard news to hear etc. I think that will help her to validate her feelings rather than feeling guilty if she is upset

Also 100% agree with text. Struggled to conceive DC2 for 5 years and had 3 losses. In that time dealt with many painful pregnancy announcements, one of which was my best friend. I appreciated being told by text as I could cry, be hurt, reply a quick ‘congrats so happy for you etc’ and then get back to processing it. It also helped that she had told me gently a few months prior that they were TTC so it wasn’t a total shock. I don’t think you can underestimate how painful it, but you sound like a very considerate SIL and as others have said, she can be thrilled for you and sad for herself at the same time x

A text and exactly as @knackersToIt has suggested. Your SIL will appreciate your sensitivity and won't think it's impersonal at all. Congratulations by the way @Whattodooo90

So nice that you are thinking of her as most people don't. I was TTC for years and a text was easiest, or 121. Group announcements, especially those on film, are the worst. She will still be happy for you but it is just the shock of being told and constantly reminded of how easily it can be for others that catches people off guard.

I would message and acknowledge why. Say that you want her to know but also don't want her to feel pressured to reply immediately. I think she'll appreciate it.

Congratulations.

My SIL struggled with secondary infertility. When we got pregnant with our second, We sent a text and asked if she could give my husband a call when she was alone in the evening as we had some news. This kind of primed her to be ready to know what to expect and have some reaction time as my husband wasn’t happy just sending a text and I felt she would need space to react on her own. Tbh though, it kind of dominated my pregnancy and we felt like it was a bit of a ‘dirty secret’. We couldn’t really discuss it and I hid my bump on the lockdown zoom’s. Now she is pregnant and sending loads of messages etc on the group chat and though we are ecstatic for them, actually it’s quite triggering for us as we remember feeling really isolated (My parents are gone and only Sibling lives in another country) and like our baby wasn’t wanted. So, do what you have to to show care and love to your SIL as infertility IS so traumatic and it’s right to think about her MH, but also remember to protect yourself however you need to too and make sure you have people close by who you can enjoy discussing all the baby stuff with.

It was one of the most shittest things I have ever had to do ☹️ My DSis and I got married within a few months of each other. I was already pregnant by her wedding a few months after ours. I was 36 and thought it was a total fluke - did not expect it to happen so fast. She was thrilled, brilliant auntie etc. When DD was one year old we decided to start trying again for DC2 because of my age, to our astonishment, got pregnant on second month of trying. In the meantime DSis was almost two years of trying without success and starting to undergo fertility treatment. I decided to phone her to tell her when I knew she would be at home with her DH nearby for support. Because we are so close, I chose to do phone rather than text as I knew she would expect that. She was understandably very upset. We deliberately told her a few weeks before sharing the news with wider family and friends to give her time and space to process. And even when we did share, it was done quietly.. no fanfare announcements or scan photos on FB etc. Thankfully there is a happy ending to this story and I now have two bonkers nieces 🥰 following successful IVF. Whatever you chose to do, I really would not use the word 'understand'... those of us who have conceived easily could never in a million years understand what it's like for someone experiencing infertility. Perhaps.. 'I have some news and it might be difficult for you. We have recently found that I am pregnant again. We are planning to start letting family and friends know in the next few weeks. I care about you so much and I am telling you this way to give you time and space to process with privacy' or something along those lines - you will know what is best!

Agreed a text message is definitely best so she can get her own feelings out the way and then be happy for you as I’m sure she is. Otoh, it’s not the end of the world if you tell her in person - just don’t take it personally if her first reaction is a bit awkward. It’s not a reflection of how she feels towards you.

I know it’s different for everyone but I’d say don’t let yourself feel guilty about it, or avoid talking about pregnancy or children with her. One thing that made infertility difficult for me was that I felt isolated from friends who had children as they avoided the topic. And I felt like once they had kids they avoided us in favor of friends who were parents. I’d have loved to still be involved and enjoy a supportive friend and auntie role. And I hated the thought that my friends were so cautious of my feelings they avoided sharing their own.

I was also in a similar situation.. My SIL is the most kindest and the best support i have. Unfortunately her last cycle of IVF was unsuccessful and this is when i found out that im pregnant (total suprise, unplanned) i told her quite early into my pregnancy over the phone but she had idea i could be as i hadnt been feeling well the week before. She really appreciated that it was done on the telephone as it allowed her to have whatever facial reaction she wanted whilst not being jus sent a message or given news face to face. Telling her early helped her come to terms with it and she feels excited for us now especially since we had the 12 week scan last week. I feel if i left it to 12 weeks it would be harder for her. When i suffered a loss and my best friend (who knew about my loss) announced her pregnancy face to face i remember i couldn't stop crying and felt so bad, i really didn't want my SIL to go through that as i know she will feel upset and thats ok x

We found out SIL was pregnant while TTC. They didn’t know we were TTC, but thank god told us by text because it felt like a punch to the gut! Nephew was conceived and born before we even started fertility treatment which was really tough.

Another friend felt the need to tell me she was pregnant the day before we started IVF 😳 really didn’t appreciate that one but again, as it was sent by text, I could send a happy message to her while crumbling at home!

A text isn’t impersonal in this situation I don’t think, it gives the person with infertility time to react naturally instead of having to put on an act for the parents to be.

Congratulations OP. I agree a message at a convenient time for her to process and have a little weep along with an acknowledgement that you understand and are sorry if this news adds to her sadness. Hope she and her DP have their own happy news to share soon x

This was posted in August so I'm pretty sure the SIL knows by now!