breastfeeding- pressure from in laws! HELP

[fabulousmama]

hi guys
i’ve posted previously about me being anxious how my in laws will act and take over once i’ve given birth.

i have now given birth and have only been breastfeeding to get my supply going and also because it’s better for baby. i don’t want to introduce a bottle as of yet because i don’t want there to be nipple confusion. the nurse has advised me to not bottle feed until at least 6 weeks.

nurses have been coming out to me for regular weigh ins for baby to see if she is getting the right amount of milk as you can’t tell when your breastfeeding due to some babies just suckling for comfort but my baby has been putting weight on and the nurses are very happy with how i’m feeding and the times.

HOWEVER my baby does cry like every other newborn! this is where my FIL says just give her a bottle so i can take her in my room and feed her .. basically saying i’m not feeding her properly or my milk basically is not enough because she’s crying. he has said this a few times to which i just ignore .. my MIL has said during the nights when baby is crying that tomorrow were gonna get bottles so she can have it that way.

every other day the nurses come and say i’m doing an amazing job and then in laws say this.

it’s bad enough i’m already feeling very emotional and going through baby blues at the moment.

at times the pressure is getting to me and when she cries i just feel like giving her a bottle before my in laws say i’m not feeding her.

i just don’t understand them .. babies are meant to cry .. she’s only two weeks fgs. going through all sorts of emotions rn

You say you are feeling down but it appears that you are loving your little baby, coping with the night feeds, feeding is going well. The major stressor in your life is your in laws.

I would choose a time when everyone is calm and have a family meeting with your partner and his parents and say you are greatful for allowing you to stay and all their help but clearly set your boundaries. Make it clear that it is your child and not theirs and you will make the important decisions on behalf of your child. Don't even enter into a discussion trying to justify your feeding choices because at the end of the day even if she wasn't getting enough milk and wasn't gaining weight its a decision for you and your partner, not your in laws. Explain that your MIL rushing in at 2am is not actually helpful and kind of ruining the calm atmosphere you want to have during nightfeeds to encourage sleep. Maybe talk them through the role that they will have, cuddles throughout the day, taking the baby a walk when they want etc etc. The conversation may go better if led by your partner. Their meddling comes from a place of love but just isn't what you need rn.

My mother often made the 'that child needs cow and gate' comments but thankfully I ignored her and successfully fed both of my children. It's entirely unhelpful

Sorry that you're going through this. Establishing breastfeeding is tough and you sound like you are doing everything right so well done!

I would ask the HV if they are able to speak to ILs and explain that what you are doing is the current guidelines.

I remember my mum saying how brave I was to keep breastfeeding because her mum told her I needed a bottle to 'top up' the boob because I would cry in the evening

Babies cry, and it's not because they're not getting enough breast milk. Keep up the fab work and keep setting those boundaries 💕

Only see them once every 2 weeks.Tell them to get lost.

Your in laws sound insufferably suffocating! There is no WAY they should be demanding you feed your baby one way or another just because it's more convenient for THEM!

Why is your husband/partner allowing them to treat you like this? Has he explained to them the many benefits of breastfeeding when it is possible for a mother to feed herself - and of course when she WANTS to as you do?

They NEED to back off with immediate effect. Of course babies cry - they're deluded if they think otherwise, and equally deluded if they think you giving your baby a bottle will mean your baby never cries. They should accept your choice as a mother to feed how you see fit.

As long as your child is gaining weight and growing appropriately, and as long as YOU are happy to continue breastfeeding, they should be supporting you with that. Them wanting to give their grandchild a bottle doesn't even feature in this - your baby is a tiny newborn and there will be other ways they can help and bond with baby other than giving a bottle. It's just nonsense that they are demanding you feed YOUR child the way THEY want to for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

You said in your last post that the MIL approached you at 3am asking why the baby hadn't been crying. 1) I'd tell her because your baby is/was content and therefore getting enough milk, and 2) I suspect that if this BS wasn't about giving bottles, they'd find a different aspect of your parenting choices to critique and demand you change for their convenience.

I'm due to give birth in under a week and hope to be able to breastfeed. If I wasn't being supported and empowered by those around me, I would fuck them right off. I realise it's not that easy when you're living with them and already understandably feeling fragile or emotional.

Lay down the law and get your husband/partner to do the same. Your baby doesn't have a feeding problem - YOU have an in-law problem!

Good luck!

Oh you poor thing. Sounds a living nightmare. Your DH needs to be much firmer with them. Keep on keeping on. You are doing amazing

You are doing absolutely perfectly, your in laws sound nuts!!!! Stick with the way you are doing it 100% ok! And get out as soon as you can, anything is better than this, see if you have a relative that can put the three of you up for a while, good luck and congratulations, I bet she's gorgeous😍

Honestly I would tell them to fuck off. Maybe find a nicer way to say it if you have to live with them.

You sound like you are doing such a great job. Don't let them ruin this time for you and your baby.

Your dh needs to have a very very firm word with his parents and assert some boundaries for you and the baby!

Their comments are wrong, irrelevant and damaging.

You are making enough milk and you're doing a brilliant job!

Babies that age do cry, a lot. The fact they're gaining weight proves the milk is fine. If they have issue with the crying maybe gift them a pair of ear plugs.

And frankly the behaviour of your mil running back and forth to your room is appalling, sounds like she's basically trying to undermine you as the mother and is a stress you really don't need. Your dh needs to tell her to cut that out immediately.

Sounds like you are doing fab. They've forgotten what life is like with a newborn.

Would your own mum be more supportive? Could you stay with her for a bit? Even a few nights 'to give ILs a break from the crying'?

Vote with your feet, and find somewhere else to live. Living with other people with a baby is not good.

Have you got any other family
Member you could stay with instead ?
Tell them it is really offending and upsetting you and you might introduce a bottle at 6 weeks or it might be 6 months or it might be never but you will be deciding ! Get your partner to bloody step up and tell them to not comment again this infuriates me ! The breast feeding rates in the uk are shocking!! You are giving your baby the best thing aslong as you are happy and comfortable breast feeding , carry on! X

When your midwife next comes, ask her beforehand to speak to them and tell her your problems with them. invite your in laws in the room with the midwife and get her to explain to them that you are doing fine and breast is best if you are able to feed that way. Will they believe a professional or are they purposely being annoying to get their own way?

@Dinoteeth I mean this in the nicest way but please don't presume every young woman having children has a mum because we don't all and it's a really triggering comment x

Reading this made me so cross for you, OP! What a pair of twats. Do not give up breastfeeding just to please them. Your husband needs to shut their behaviour down asap. This is no way for a mum to have to spend the first weeks with her baby!

Do you have anywhere else you can go? What are your parents like? This situation sounds awful for you.

Just wanted to say you are doing an AMAZING job, well done. Your PIL need to get back. Breastfeeding is really a wonderful thing to do for both you and baby. Yes it's hard sometimes, but it's worth it 100% especially as it sounds like it's what you want to do - which is important, to follow those mummy instincts . Newborn breastfed babies need to feed a LOT for the first few weeks/ months, it's how they establish your supply, bond, put weight on, etc. It's entirely normal and good. You're absolutely right not to intro a bottle right now and take heart from the midwives etc who say you're doing a great job - you are. Also look up cluster feeding if you haven't already. Do you have any breastfeeding books? If so I'd maybe put one in front of your PIL and just say I'm not talking about this anymore, read this if you're worried. Hang in there - it gets easier - and well done for sticking to your guns xx

Also to help with the crying at night you could try safe co sleeping (if appropriate for you and feels right) - look up the lullaby trust and la leche league safe sleep seven online - it helps as baby will often just snuffle then in the boob goes, often won't even cry and no need to resettle after xx

Oh my in laws said this. It’s because they come from the bottle feeding generation and breastfeeding is a bit hippy/alien to them. A simple ‘no thank you, I’m breastfeeding and don’t want to give her a bottle’ should be enough. Stand firm, they can fuck off.

Where is your partner in all this? He needs to manage his parents and get them to back off.