I didn't have a good experience with the care in my first pregnancy. I was pretty traumatised from a rape that happened one year before my due date, that I got pregnant from, had that pregnancy terminated and then conceived my DS by accident (with my partner, used a condom which broke and got the morning after pill, I thought I would have been outside the danger zone as I was so messed up from the termination I didn't want to risk getting pregnant again, but no one told me that ovulation can be different after a termination and so the morning after pill also failed.)
I also have a high BMI. Because of this the midwives and doctors wanted me to give birth on the labour ward with continuous monitoring and told me the one that could go in the water or that I could walk around with was broken, so I would have to stay on the bed.
Because what happened I was very anxious about the birth, mainly having an instrumental delivery, having an epidural and not being able to feel part of my body, and having internal examinations and things done to my body without my consent.
I really wanted a water birth, in the birth centre attached to the hospital. They wouldn't allow this.
In the end I chose to have a home water birth, as I felt it was the safest place for me to give birth, and only a 4 minute drive from the hospital. At that point they suddenly said I could actually have a water birth in the birth centre, but at that point I felt so mistrustful of the team I chose to go ahead with the home birth.
At 10 days overdue I hadn't felt DS for a couple of hours so went in to be checked, of course as soon as I got there he started kicking away and was fine on the monitor and on a scan as well. Everything else looked great.
When I got back to the carpark they called me and said actually there was protein in my urine, so to come back up and they would re check it in the lab.
They said it came back ++ and so meant I had pre eclampsia. My blood pressure was still normal, it had never been high once during my pregnancy. My urine didn't have a trace of protein in it the day before when i saw my midwife for a routine appointment.
They said the baby needed to come out asap, with either an induction or a c section.
I believed that because I had pre eclampsia and had gone overdue that that would be the safest thing. I chose a c section as knew the statistics on the cascade of intervention with an induction and felt the known risks of a c section would best preserve my mental health.
DS was born the next day. It was a nice c section, as c sections go, but still had a negative impact on my mental health having the lower half of my body numbed, having a catheter in etc.
But I thought I was doing what was safest for me and my baby.
I've always had a niggle in my mind as to whether they were being entirely truthful about me having pre eclampsia.
I'm now 28 weeks with our second baby, and am seeing the perinatal mental health team because the lack of mental health support from my GP and developing PND when DS was a few months old has meant my mental health has taken a nose dive. I've been having panic attacks sometimes daily, nightmares about what happened and uncontrollable emotions which are affecting my relationships.
I'm due to have a pre birth planning meeting with my midwife, mental health nurse and a consultant dr next week to discuss the birth.
I am even more anxious this time around about being forced to do something I don't want to do. This time I feel that the birth centre is the safest place for me compared to a home birth, with the risk of scar rupture post c section, but the idea that I will not feel safe is starting to really worry me, especially if what I fear is true in that I was lied to about having pre eclampsia so that I wouldn't have a home birth which was against their guidelines.