I've got a 3 year old and 13 month old and I feel incredibly blessed considering I never thought I'd ever meet anyone and have children when I was in my 20s. I was proved wrong.
I have a long history of anxiety and this hugely effected both of my pregnancies. I also suffered with pnd both times, which were very dark times. I'm amazed by pregnancy, it's wonderful but having done it twice, I know I don't cope with it well. With my eldest, the birth was very traumatic with a 3 day back to back labour, episiotomy, forceps, a torn artery and a blood transfusion. With my second, it was a very tough pregnancy. I was very anxious, very sick and in a lot of pain when she was transverse at one point. We had worrying scans with potential health problems and all during covid too. Second birth was better but high risk but I struggled a lot with pnd.
So my experiences of pregnancy and birth have been a challenge. I've had support and treatment for my mental health issues throughout and a wonderful, supportive family around me. The thought of going through it again for a third baby fills me with dread and fear and I don't want to go through it again. However, I love babies and children and if someone could have a third baby for me, I say yes please!
ATM I just feel like I'm going through an emotion of that's it now. My dd has recently started walking and saying some words and I feel like she's more toddler than baby now. It's gone so quick and I don't feel like I'm ready to not have a baby anymore. Also, I've been sorting out items which we no longer need if we're not planning to have anymore but that's also making me feel sad. My mil had some bits at hers and said to me, 'you don't need this, you're not having anymore more babies are you'. It was said as a statement, not a question and although she's right, I felt a bit sensitive to it.
I'm in conflict with myself. I know that I'm bad at pregnancy and find it all hugely stressful but something in me would still love another baby. Dh is happy either way. I'm in my mid 30s so it's not like I've got age on my side either.
Just don't understand my feelings on this at the moment. Any thoughts please?