Dreading birth and I don't know why

[fairgame84]

This is my 2nd pregnancy and my first was a straightforward induction and labour at 38 weeks.

I can't put my finger on why, but I'm absolutely dreading giving birth this time. Nothing has happened, there's been no trauma etc but I just can't cope with the thought of giving birth and it's making me depressed. I don't know if it's because I don't want to be in hospital or if it's something else.
Originally I wanted a section but now I don't because I'd have to stay on the horrible post natal ward overnight. Equally I don't want a vaginal birth and I don't know why. I don't want to go to hospital at all. Home birth isn't an option.

There's constant horror stories of the Labour ward being closed and women sent to other hospitals which is causing me stress. The post natal ward is awful, staff are horrible and you have to share a bay with 3 other women and their partners overnight. Im not comfortable with strange men sleeping near me when I've just given birth.
I've spoken to my midwife about post term as well because I don't want to go over 40 weeks but she said they allow 40+12 which I'm really stressed about as I don't want to go that late. I work on nicu and see the result of post term going wrong.
I don't feel like I have any control at all and maybe that is the root of my feelings.
I don't know how to make myself feel better about all of this.

I think you have already put your finger on the cause, OP. Loss of control.
If you work on nicu, you are used to being in control - being the medic, not the patient.
Labour is a source of anxiety as it means a total surrender of autonomy to the brutal natural process of birth, and other than choosing an elective section you have no way of controlling the outcome.
I think you need to meet it halfway. Make a plan of what you would prefer to happen- perhaps a minimal intervention labour and an early home discharge, so you avoid a night on postnatal - but just accept that you may require more intervention if the unexpected occurs.
I was a hospital doc when I had my two DDs, and one of them ended up needing resus and a week in nicu. She was initially expected to die, and I left hospital without her, to care for my 16 month old at home.
By the time she turned the corner and survived, I had lost any obsession with control - I just wanted my baby back!

Im so sorry for what you went through and I'm glad she is ok.

Everytime I raise an issue with my midwife about labour and induction etc she offers to refer me to the mental health midwife. I'm not mentally unwell.
Luckily I live 5 minutes from the hospital so im quite prepared to go home at any time of the day or night as soon as I can.

There's no easy answer. If you don't want a section you'll just have to let go of any expectations and go with the flow. There's literally nothing more you can do.

You could try to make a mental plan for each scenario, but you know with birth plans generally go out the window.

Think positively that you may go into spontaneous labour, come in, have a baby and leave!

For what it's worth, para 1's are my favourite!They're usually nice a quick.

Im not even bothering with a birth plan because they get ignored at my hospital. Last time they didn't even look at it.
I had paracetamol last time and that was it. I was only in labour for 3 hours after they broke my waters. It went so well the 1st time that I just know it won't be same this time and I can only think it will be worse.

Why should it be worse, OP? Second labours are often easier, shorter and less painful. Not invariably, but the odds are on your side. And your very efficient first labour bodes very well.
Try to be optimistic - hope for the best, but have contingency plans if things go awry.

I know you're right. Im just feeling all doom and gloom about it. I need to change my mindset but it's easier said than done.