How do you feel about this?

[Sierra1961]

Is this a typical thing for a mother to say to her daughter? Or am I right in thinking this is really hurtful and not very nice?

Gone food shopping with my mum. For the record I am around 18 weeks pregnant. Baby wasn’t planned, and before getting pregnant I was in the best shape of my life. I’d been exercising everyday and eating incredibly healthy and I felt great physically, it’s the most body confident I’ve ever felt and looked.

Just before any of you assume I have a mother like the kind the majority of people have, my mum is not a stereotypical, traditional mother. She’s not nurturing, or warm, or loving. She’s incredibly cold, self-absorbed and unsupportive and has been my entire life. She has treated me entirely different to my brothers my whole life, punished me massively for tiny things and basically bullied me. For some stupid reason I still entertain her. Silly me, thinking me having a baby would actually change her or spur her on to be more loving and kind towards me. I was dead wrong!

So, we’re shopping and - as she doesn’t like me cooking because she’s weirdly competitive with me, and likes to take the credit for everything even something as silly as a meal; God forbid I cook something and my brother likes it! - she’s telling me, basically, she can’t be arsed cooking this weekend so what do I want for tea?

She does this every single weekend, and I always end up going along with it and getting a pizza or something to make her life easy. Only the thing is, I’ve gained about a stone already, maybe a little more. I’m feeling massively upset and insecure about it, and I apologise if it makes me sound shallow, but I feel awful in myself and really down and shit. She knows this. So, today I said, “Well, to be honest, I’d rather have something a bit healthy, I need to be healthier from now on as I’m putting on a shit ton of weight really fast and I need to curb it.” And she basically looks at me - probably because I’ve given her an answer she didn’t want and I’ve asked for something more “complicated” than her shoving a pizza in the oven - and says something to the effect of, “You don’t say!”

Almost immediately, as if she knew what she’d said had hurt me, she starts killing herself laughing as if she’d just heard the funniest joke in the world while I just stood there staring at her like, what in the actual fuck? She’s literally just agreed and validated my bad thoughts about myself, when I feel incredibly vulnerable, hormonal and emotional, and tried to pass it off as a joke. And I don’t believe people who make insulting comments and try to act like it’s all lighthearted. No, you meant to hurt me with what you said.

She basically tried to say she “didn’t mean it like that”, but come on. She clearly did. And for the record, I’m not even fat! I’m just used to being absolutely tiny with a 24inch waist and I feel devastated I’ve put on weight because it’s not normal for me and I feel less beautiful this way.

I just needed to vent. Please if you have something nasty or negative to say, don’t.

My parents are weird too. They make so many comments. I literally ignore them and pretend they never happened. Can't control what people think or why they do the things they do, so what's the point in agonising over it? Just let them say what they say and you carry on living your life the way you know is best.

Of course it's not a normal thing to say or a normal way to behave.

Can I ask why you are still seeing her every weekend? Can you back off a bit and reduce the contact you have with her if it's not good for your mental health?

You could also interpret "you don't say" as meaning more "tell me about it!". Maybe she was trying to sympathise with how quickly/easily a person can gain weight in pregnancy or maybe she had that experience herself. My mum likes to make these kind of remarks and I've learnt as I've got older that a lot of it is down to her own insecurities and I just ignore them

@Sierra1961 you wrote "I’d been exercising everyday and eating incredibly healthy"

so I assume you made your own healthy food before you got pregnant? Surely you can just carry on like that? Maybe just cook for yourself if it's a problem for your mother.

Buy your own healthier food and cook it and let her carry on doing her own thing 🤗

I hear you, OP. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and so far have put on 21lb. Prior to that I was running all the time and fitter than I've ever been. Last week, DM thought it a good idea to tell me how round I look and how wide my hips are. As if I didn't already know, or feel conscious about it.

Do you live with her? If not, I would really look at reducing the amount of time you spend with her. It can feel really difficult to see your body changing (even though it's for good reasons!) and the last thing you need is to feel like you're being laughed at.

My mum can be very difficult but because I live 40 mins away I can "manage" the time we spend together which makes things easier.

I get it op, I've always been skinnier than my sister and for years she's gone on that she can't wait for me to get pregnant so that I'll be fat, my mum laughs along with her. I know it stems from a jealousy thing but now I am pregnant I want to stay away from them. I'm not tracking my weight, I know I'm not overweight and baby is healthy so that's all I need. If people are treating you badly don't put up with them, they're the ones who'll miss out on your lovely baby. You don't want your child exposed to your mum's attitude.

My mum is really rude, she seems to think it's perfectly acceptable to make inappropriate comments. I used to ignore, now I kindly tell her to F off! When I was admitted to hospital with pre eclampsia at 34 weeks, she asked how the food was... I said it was rubbish... She responded with 'maybe you will lose a few pounds then' 🙄 once I was home she asked me how much I weighed now, I told her it's none of her business. Parents can be twats. Don't let it bother you 😬

She doesn’t sound like she deserves your company to be fair, she sounds very narcissistic, the competitiveness reminds me of my friends mother. I HATE when others bring up weight in pregnancy, unless you ask for it do not mention it, we know it and we don’t need your comments right?!?

Why give so much of yourself to someone who makes you feel bad? I’m not saying cut her out, but I’d keep contact to a minimum.

She’s not going to change. You’re having a baby soon - do you really want her BS when the baby is here? Would you be happy if she treated your child the same way?

Your priorities are going to change. I’d free yourself up - both physically and emotionally - to devote yourself to motherhood and move forward with your life, with her being a much smaller part of it.