Pregnant and friend TTC isn't talking to me :(

[NightandViolets]

Not sure what to do. I'm 8 months pregnant and it's been a really long and traumatic road to get here after v difficult, touch and go 1st pregnancy, a long gap where I was too scared to try again and then a MMC duriing lockdown.

I didn't want to tell friends until 25 weeks as it's been such an anxious time. When I did let people know, everyone responded apart from a really close friend who has been TTC for several years. Because of Covid etc I hadn't seen her for a while but I made sure that the message was sensitive and wasn't trying to upset. I didn't rub it in, just told her that i was expecting and that we're pleased.

She didn't respond. I understood that it would be difficult news for her and that she might need some space and time. But it's been 8 weeks now and with the baby due soon I miss her and feel quite frozen out as she is meeting up with our other friend and usually we spend so much together as a group of 3. I mentioned it to other friend and she said not to let it get to me, but I really feel like we're all drifting when all I haven't done anything wrong and feel lonely.

I completely understand how she feels, and don't want to hurt her more by reaching out and triggering the difficult feelings again, but how do I deal with this and not lose the friendship? I have really supported her in the past when she's opened up about how hard it's been for her, and she knows that it's also been a difficult journey for us to get to where we are now.

She’s obviously having a hard time but this shouldn’t make you feel awful. Leave her for a while and if she doesn’t respond then so be it. Don’t let her mar your feelings of becoming a mum

It sounds like you empathise with her and understand why she is keeping a distance. Although it's hard for you I'm not sure you can really change things.

One would hope that she is happy for you, as your friend, but it must be hard for her too. I think just give her space, and if she does get in touch then great, if not then so be it.

I had a similar thing where I was lucky enough to get pregnant relatively quickly and all went well while our closest friends as a couple went through a year of miscarriages and just one sad event after another. I felt like I was almost tiptoeing about and trying to hide my belly when I saw them and stuff because I felt so awkward. They now have a little boy so it turned out well but when my baby was a newborn we walked past their house (we almost live on the same street so would often go by) and she was out talking to her neighbour as we approached. She’d never met our baby before, it was literally one of the first walks we’d been with him. She really rudely slammed the door and went inside without even saying hi. I totally got why she was doing it and was hurting for her at the same time but also couldn’t help but feel disappointed that she couldn’t have said hi, she didn’t need to come over and make a fuss or anything. It took away quite a bit from my pregnancy and early days with our baby as I really limited myself trying not to hurt her feelings. Now it’s all gone well for them it’s been forgotten and everything is back to normal so I make a fuss of their newborn etc but do still slightly feel like I missed out because I was so conscience of their feelings ☹️ I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to be in that situation

It's not rational, OP. But she'll just be so hurt. There's not much you can do except keep the door open for if she ever wants to come back to the friendship. Since you have a mutual friend, maybe you could let her know how sad you are and that you miss her, but that you understand. Hopefully she will come round in time.

Congrats on the pregnancy!

Send her the same message everyone else gets when the baby is born but otherwise leave her be. Don’t let it ruin your pregnancy.

I had two years of infertility and yes it was hard when others fell pregnant but I managed to reset and be happy for each of them. Frankly I don’t think infertility is an excuse not to be supportive of a friend.

I wouldn't do anything. The bell is in your friends court and if she decides to get in touch then great. The thing is I completely get she wants to keep her distance but surely she could've messaged you back acknowledging your message (even if it was just to say congratulations). Can you make some plans to see your other friend? You shouldn't

Shouldn't be made to feel lonely.

Sadly there’s nothing you can do- you’ve done nothing wrong. Leave it be, confirm the birth when all safe and we’ll and leave it in her court.

congrats

Thanks all for your replies. I just feel really sad about it - I understand how she may feel as she is a little older than me(40 this year) so may feel she is running out of time. But it was so unlike her to not reply at all - we’ve been friends for 25 years and she was one of my bridesmaids. I’m going to a wedding a couple of months after baby is due and she’ll probably be there so I hope we get to speak before then as it’ll be awkward otherwise when we have a lot of mutual friends, many of whom will want to ask about the baby. But you’re right -
it’s in her court. I don’t want to upset her and I also need to look after myself for the final few weeks.

You've done nothing wrong.

Sorry I don't agree with tiptoeing around her. She's acted not very nicely. You told her in a sensitive way. Yes TTC is hard and sometimes can be hurtful. But she's acted in a really nasty way.

Ive been in a similar situation and I'm going to go aganist the grain but it sounds like you were very close. I'd maybe text her and tell her that you miss her and invite her for coffee, id not mention anything about your previous message. If your friendship was fine before the baby news it's obviously just hit her really hard which is not your fault at all but she may not know where to go from here. If she doesn't reply then thats on her, it's really hard

I read a lot about women who have infertility problems being so upset with friends and family that get pregnant that they stop talking to them. I've been ttc for four years, been through ivf and miscarriages and operations. I've had plenty of friends and family have not just one child but two or three within those four years. Of course, it hurts when I hear the news initially but I don't stop loving my friends and family. I don't stop being a polite human being. I don't stop being able to empathise. Those new babies are significant in my life by proximity: I don't stop being an auntie to those kids because I can't have my own. I think about my responsibility to that niece or nephew, as an individual. Do I want to miss out being part of their life? What right do I have to demand the world stops spinning because it's not going the way I want it to? It's ridiculous that women feel they can stop talking to their friends/ family for the gift of life! I find it narcissistic, to be very frank. I get it if they can't listen to pregnancy talk every single day or go baby shopping so yes, take a step back but don't cut people off. As they say, it is significant moments like this that shows you who a person truly is. These are not people you want in your life. They don't have love for you, don't waste yours caring for someone who doesn't feel the same.

Just focus on yourself at the moment and wait until baby is born. See if she contacts you. Or reaches out before wedding.

Not everyone is the same when TTC I think. She might be very depressed she not getting pregnant. It might of made her worse knowing your pregnant. Although she should of replied but maybe give her time.
I wouldn't confront her going in on her but just leave her be. Focus on you for now. Maybe ask a mutual friend how she doing?

@NightandViolets I am hoping I can offer a slightly different perspective . I have been in the same situation your friend is in so might be able to give you her thoughts.

I have a very close friend who I’ve known since nursery. When she had her daughter I was so excited bought lots of gifts visited regularly. Fast forward 3 years and I was struggling with infertility. I kept her updated, told her about scans tests and shared some of those most personal things with her. She always asked as well. She was the first to know when I got a positive pregnancy test and the first person I cried to when I miscarried. When she told me she was pregnant with her son I was very happy for her until she told me her due date. She was also around 25 weeks when she told me. She explained it was because she was worried however I felt quite hurt. I had shared my lowest points with her and was looking for support from her. I felt quite upset that she didn’t want me to provide that support when she had worries about the pregnancy. In my eyes I viewed her not telling me in two ways

1. she thought I’d be jealous which shows how little she understands about me in all the years we were friends

2. she clearly didn’t think I was a close enough a friend to want to share the low points of her life.

In hindsight maybe I was a bit harsh to expect her to want to share everything like I did. I did go on to have a baby. I told her at 12 weeks like I did all my other friends. She couldn’t be happier for me. Came to visit a couple of days after I got back from hospital. I have to say though, as much as I am still glad we’re friends the dynamic has changed quite a bit. I have kept my distance to some extent and don’t share much anymore. It’s really sad as I feel I have lost a close friend who I could share anything with. We’re still friends but its just not the same anymore.

i hope that helps

I’m really pleased that you went on to have a baby and that all is well. I didn’t even tell family about this pregnancy till 20 weeks as in pregnancy 1 we nearly lost the baby at 16 weeks, and had no guarantees after that things would work out (miraculously they did). I didn’t tell any friends till 25 weeks - I think I just held off because I was still so worried but I was also finishing therapy (mainly linked to the trauma of previous pregnancies) at the time and had a lot to get my head round. My friend knows about the past problems so I don’t think she would have felt hurt that I wanted to let her know in my own time, but it’s an interesting perspective and obviously I don’t know what she’s feeling right now.

You could send her another message saying you're worried you haven't heard from her and hope she's ok. It will create another opportunity to open communication.