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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Undecided but pregnant w #3

9 replies

lydiangel83 · 16/07/2022 08:09

Please no haters, I thought DH and agreed to a third baby but now I am pregnant and he says he doesn’t want it. History is complicated, we had a significantly traumatic north with DD1 and medical issues with her that she’s thankfully grown out of. Took us a long time to have DD2 because we were scared of how bad it could be, difficult pregnancy and planned c section to avoid making my previous birth traumas (including broken coccyx) worse, and we thought we had done the traumatic baby thing. DD2 came out totally lifeless, spent a month in NICU and was diagnosed with a life limiting genetic condition and is registered highest level of disability. Therefore you can understand DH apprehension about #3. DD2 condition was just a fluke at conception and would be tested for/ won’t happen again. If I had another child with disabilities I am convinced I wouldn’t cope and I guess he feels the same about ourselves. Our marriage has taken a total battering. As a mother and woman I feel I could cope with three kids but he doesn’t think he can. I really feel I need a third to complete my family and give DD1 a ‘typical’ sister, But I am nearly 40 so time is not on our side!

OP posts:
Hamserfan · 16/07/2022 08:27

Your situation sounds very tough. What would happen if this pregnancy resulted in a boy - you mention a typical sister not brother. Can you explain more about “ thought he agreed to a third baby, was he not clear that you were going to start trying to conceive?

Original poster
lydiangel83 · 16/07/2022 08:54

Sorry I meant brother or sister, I have always said I just wanted them to be healthy. I did know we were TTC but reality seems to have changed his mind

OP posts:
Pleaseletmeconfirm · 16/07/2022 09:15

Are you very early on in the pregnancy? Did you actually have a discussion about having a third? Did he know you weren't using contraception?

It sounds very difficult and I'm sorry you had difficulties with your first and second.

Jaaxe · 16/07/2022 10:02

It sounds like u want to keep the baby? Perhaps it’s just scared him and brought back all the trauma of the pregnancy/births/diagnosis of your other children. Did u have any therapy /counselling after these? It sounds like you will be happy so long as the baby is healthy, is that the same for him or does he not want a 3rd full stop?….if he’d be happy so long as it’s healthy too they would test for these things during pregnancy and should something come back that there is a problem with the baby then you could cross that bridge when you come to it and weigh up whether this is something you could cope with or not at that time? X

Original poster
lydiangel83 · 16/07/2022 13:08

I do want the baby it’s very early 5-6 wks but I do get his perspective. Plus I think I’d be suicidal if we went through again what we experienced with DD2. We had so many private and specialist scans and even Harmony tests but didn’t detect this rare condition. I never wanted 3 kids we always agreed on 2 but life is so different to what we expected. Statistically it’s unlikely to have another child with genetic condition but my age isn’t in our favour. And the thought of it is unbearable. We are having counselling but not enough and he’s just angry a lot of the time at life. He knew I was in my ‘window’ a few times we DTD and we only loosely discussed it I guess he didn’t think it would really happen :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
lydiangel83 · 16/07/2022 13:10

I think DH feels like he couldn’t cope with a third which I probably agree with - he’s on the edge already. I can handle it so it’s what to do now. I feel like this is our last chance given my age

OP posts:
Jaaxe · 16/07/2022 13:19

It sounds like you have thought alot about what could potentially happen and the “what ifs” and worries if you kept the pregnancy. Have you thought about how you might feel if you terminated?

I can’t advise you on what’s best as you need to do what’s best for you and your family as it will impact you but from the way you are speaking I feel like you would regret the decision to terminate, it’s clear you want this baby.

GoT1904 · 17/07/2022 09:07

Do you really feel as though he couldn't cope? You describe him as on the edge. It sounds so difficult. :(

I hope you find an answer that works for you and that you guys find peace x

Northernlurker · 17/07/2022 09:54

I think he's probably just panicking but it's too late. You are pregnant with a child you want. You both agree a child with additional needs isn't right for your family so if anything comes up in testing you are likely to be on the same page with wha5 to do but for now you are pregnant. That's the situation.

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