Pregnant with DC2 and don't know what to do

[summer1983]

A week ago I found out I was pregnant with DC2 and I have just been in a terrible place since. I am riddled with fear and anxiety and have been unable to eat.

Our DS is coming up to 11 months old, so still a baby himself. We were actually trying for a second, which is why I feel so stupid - but I think I just felt pressure because I have recently turned 39 and we didn’t have an easy time conceiving DS. I think I thought that it was unlikely we would get pregnant again but if we tried and it did not work out, at least I would have the knowledge that we tried.

I am petrified thinking of how I will cope with 2 under 2, when my DS is still a baby himself. We absolutely adore him and I am so worried that having a newborn when he is only 18 mths old will negatively impact his life, as neither of us will have as much time for him anymore. We are both extremely tired as DS does not sleep through the night and we are lucky to get about 5hrs, but other than that life is great as a 3 and we are just so happy. We are still able to live our lives and he comes along with us but equally I enjoy doing all the baby activities with him too.

I have been reading threads here on Mumsnet about the jump from 1 to 2 and the general consensus seems to be that life becomes incredibly hard and that whereas 1 child slots in with your life, 2 children become your life and I just don’t think that is the type of life I want for me or my family.

It is so tough as both my partner and I are close to our siblings and cherish our relationships with them. Due to my age this is not a decision I can make in a couple of years anyway, but I know I should have thought more thoroughly about it before getting pregnant.

I went back to work quite soon (working PT now) and so we are already in a great routine with childcare and I love the days I have off with him. The thought of carrying on with this pregnancy and having to start all over again next year and so many unknowns is causing me so much anxiety I feel like I am at breaking point. I need to make a decision about whether to continue the pregnancy as soon as possible. I am just so scared about regretting my choice either way. My partner has all the same worries but he is willing to take the leap in to the unknown and carry on with the pregnancy, although he said he will support me in whichever decision I make.

Any advice would be appreciated as right now I feel so lost.

My ds was just 12 months when I got pregnant again, and I had a lot of the same fears as you. And I was 38 at the time so also felt like time wasn't on my side.

It was bloody hard at times. I remember having to be very firm with ds about being gentle with me, gentle with his sister when she arrived, and worrying so much about the impact it would all have on him. He was my baby, and I was so scared this was going to just end up hurting him somehow, he would feel like he was losing me, we'd lose our bond, he'd feel pushed aside. I also spent the first six months or so shattered and feeling like I was being pulled from pillar to post a lot, trying to deal with a non sleeping dd, a slightly discomforted ds, and then a pandemic.

However. Dd is now 2, almost 3, and ds is now 4.5. They are an absolute little team most of the time. They play together, adore each other, get up to so much mischief together, and I don't think either of them would be without the other. I think both of their lives are enriched by having the other, and actually, they do entertain each other. I've got to the point that I can sit on the sofa for five minutes and have a coffee while they play together. Which is lovely. There is nothing nicer than hearing them both pelting from one room to another upstairs, playing some game they just made up together, and laughing like hyenas while they do it. They're so.close in age that they like the same toys and games more or less, so they play together a lot.

Of course they fall out and fight and don't share well and screech at each other for looking at them or whatever. But they still adore each other. And dd is the first person ds wants to see when he gets home from nursery, or gets up in the morning. So yes I was worried, and it could have all gone very differently, but for my ds, getting a sibling has given him a built in playmate and conspirator. And dd has never known anything other than her big brother.

We had two little boys under two at one point, (and a 4 year old girl) while it was tiering at times it was and is wonderful too. As I type the boys who are now 14 and very nearly 13, are sitting chatting loudly in their bed room about a Minecraft game they plan to have with freinds and a lego model the younger one finished today. They are so close, best freinds and share so many if the same interests, whether its ice skating, guiniea pigs, reptiles, boats, lego, mine craft, the skate ramp or the books they read. When either of them has a freind over they usally all end upbhanging out together. We've got four kids within 7 years of each other and they all have lots of fun together.

Thank you @katmarie. It is really great to hear other similar stories. It struck a cord with me when you said that you were scared having another would hurt your son somehow, and tha he would feel like he was losing you and your bond. I love my son so much and I can't bear for that to happen or for him to feel like that - so I know the first few months/year will be so hard.

I just feel that I have the beautiful, happy healthy baby we dreamed and prayed for when I was pregnant last time and I wonder what is the point in risking all that to go on a journey in to the unknown again :(

Thank you for telling me about how special the relationship between your two has become though. It is such a huge consideration.

If it's any help, we had a much bigger age gap and still had a lot of the same doubts. I think it's totally normal!

OP, my brother was 7 months old when I was conceived. There isn't much between us in age. It was hard for my mum, there's no doubt (my dad was very much around but worked full time), but she managed a newborn, a toddler, a double buggy and several days worth of groceries on a double decker bus which had steps rather than a dropped floor so the buggy had to be folded. I couldn't do it. She says she had no choice so just got on with it and got the bus driver and passengers to help. This was in the early 80s.

Lots and lots of children have younger siblings when they themselves are still very little. It's BECAUSE they are little that they adapt.

I have a 2 year old daughter and am nearly 34 weeks pregnant with her brother. She understands something is happening but she doesn't realise the impact it will have on our lives once we bring baby home and he becomes an integral part of our family and routine. My daughter has additional needs and is significantly developmentally delayed so is really still a baby herself. I fully expect she will struggle at first - she's always been the centre of our worlds and had our undivided attention. She will have to adapt to that attention being shared. For me it's all about making her feel secure, loved, as important as she always has been (and always will be, of course) and getting her involved in caring for her brother, even if it's very low level stuff like passing us a clean nappy or helping get him ready for a bath etc until he is big enough for them to play together.

My partner works and I have significant health difficulties so yes it'll be extremely hard at times but we wanted another child. I'm a few days off my 40th birthday so it was now or probably never. The joy our daughter brings us far outweighs the bad days and I know having another child will complete our family. The baby and toddler days are hard. They are relentless and draining BUT extremely precious. You cannot get that time back and IMO they don't stay tiny for long enough.

You said yourself you both wanted another child. How would you feel if this turned out to be your only opportunity to fulfil that dream? If you don't continue with the pregnancy, you might always ask yourself "what if...?".

I don't want to sway you either way. What I will say though is that my closest friend has twins who have recently turned 3, and a baby who has just turned one. The twins were only just two when their little brother was born. Some days she jokes that she wants to take them to the park and leave them there (she never would, don't worry). But, her husband works very long hours and she's practically raising them all single-handed 5 or 6 days a week. I absolutely cannot work out how the hell she does it, but she does. She doesn't have people in and out helping her either. Not only does she "do it", she is such a good mum to all of them, adores them all, takes care of their every need and way beyond whilst also taking very good care of their three dogs and their family home. She is my inspiration and I think if she can juggle three plus all the extra responsibilities, I can manage two.

Sometimes it feels as a parent of one young child that your head will explode if you don't get a break. But... those breaks rarely or never come and you get up tomorrow and do it all again - because you have to. And because you love them.

The really tough days don't last forever. Your son will be FINE.

Wowza I could have written your post exactly. Had my IUD removed, got pregnant immediately and absolutely panicked. Took 18 months and two miscarriages for DC1 so did not expect first try to be successful. My DC is 3.5 and I’m still not sure life as a 4 is for me. Unfortunately I miscarried so I didn’t get to decide but I was very unsure I would continue with the pregnancy. I felt bad because we were trying, but in the end not bad enough to go through with something that I thought would make me/our family unhappy for years. I then got pregnant immediately and am pregnant still. I feel much less freaked out but I think that’s partly because this pregnancy is following the same pattern as my previous MC. I am giving myself until the 8w scan to see how I feel if it turns out this is a viable pregnancy.

Give yourself some time to think about it, whatever you decide would be ok, irrespective of whether or not it was a planned pregnancy.

I'm the first to say that if you don't want to be pregnant, it's completely fine to have a termination, no matter the circumstances of how you fell pregnant or anything.

However since you did want a second dc at one point, I'll tell you about my experience. I got pregnant accidentally about the same time as you relative to my dc1. I had similar worries, but it's actually been fine. Dc1 adapted quickly with no jealously. Within days he seemed to have forgotten that she wasn't always there. A few years later they play together all the time and always say they are best friends. It isn't necessarily all doom and gloom.

Sure it will be tough. Mind are a couple of years apart. But what I would say is I the long run 2 are much easier. They play together, support each other and if you work it’s a huge bonus as you’ll feel much less guilt leaving 2 for a couple of hours or sending 2 to grandparents or 2 to do their own tea. All way off I know but that time period is much longer than the first few tough years. Best of luck.

I actually found going from 0-1 harder than going from 1-3 (!) - you know what you're doing and often you can just get baby in a sling and carry on with your day. I think a lot of people actually find second babies easier, ime.

@summer1983 we read this book to my DS when I was visibly pregnant, to help him understand what was going to happen, and why I was tired all the time!
smile.amazon.co.uk/Theres-House-Inside-My-Mummy/dp/1841210684/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2QJ03Z0JXOK3D&keywords=theres+a+house+inside+my+mummy&qid=1657699807&sprefix=theres+a+house+inside+%2Caps%2C344&sr=8-1

I get what you're saying about going into the unknown though. DH and I have often thought about having a third baby, but we feel like we rolled the dice twice and wound up with two amazing kids, and we've got this lovely, happy little family unit. Having another one could chuck a grenade into the middle of that. The risk of something going wrong goes up as I get older, and it's possible that we could end up with twins, or a child with additional needs, Or it could be just fine, who knows? We've parked the conversation for now, and that might naturally park it permanently, I'm 41 in a few months so it's unlikely now that we will actively try for another one.

My relationship with DS has changed a bit. But that's inevitable as he's gotten older anyway. I was always 'his person' though, and I still am. DH is a wonderful, hands on father though, and what has been lovely is seeing his relationship with DS grow and bloom. DS often goes to him first in the night now, if he wakes up. But it's always me he comes to when he wants a cuddle on the sofa, or he's feeling poorly. What was odd, is that despite me birthing her and breast feeding her and all that, DD basically decided that DH is her person, rather than me. As she's got a bit older that's evened out a bit, and she and I have an amazing relationship, but for a few months between ages 1 and 1.5, she was very much DH's girl, and only wanted me if he wasn't around. That was hard. But I kept telling myself that I'm her mommy, of course she needs me, and as I say, things have evened out now.

It's not always easy, and it would have been a lot harder if DH and I hadn't been on the same team. But we often divide and conquer, and very much share the load between us. We alternate bedtimes, so I do DD one night and DH does DS and then the next night we swap. That way they are both used to being put to bed by either of us, if for whatever reasone one of us isn't home. DH does nursery pick up, I do drop off etc. When DD was tiny, if I was up with her, DH would manage DS if he woke in the night. You need that team work to get through the early days especially.

In terms of day to day life, I will say it got a lot easier when DS was potty trained, and we didn't have to haul two tonnes of stuff with us every time we went out. We also invested in two sets of rotating 360 car seats, one for each car, to avoid having to swap car seats in and out. They are still in use now, and will be until then kids are big enough to move to booster seats. We also have two booster cushions on dining chairs, and they both sit on those now for meals. DD gets a lot of DS's old tshirts and joggers and stuff, she doesn't care what colour they are, and she loves all things dinosaur, so that helps. They play with all the same toys, and tbh whatever birthday and christmas gifts they get end up shared. Example, DS's wooden play kitchen is currently in DD's room. DD's cuddly unicorn got adopted by DS, and is now on his bed. They currently go to bed at the same time, and are at the same nursery, so their routine is very much the two of them doing the same things at the same time. It will all change again in a few weeks when DS starts school, but we will adapt I'm sure!