How to support a loved one - IVF

[countbackfromten]

I have the most wonderful sister who is going through a horrific time at the moment going through IVF and it looks sadly like it hasn’t been successful. I’m trying to think of ways to support her and things I can to to help - any advice is gratefully received. or anything I shouldn’t do?

I just wish I could take the pain away and hate that I can’t.

Hi, I would ask her what type of support she would like and give her some options e.g would she like you to regularly check how's she doing or would she prefer for you to not mention it or would she like to go do something nice or a mix etc. Also are there particular things she can't face which maybe you can help with - e.g particular family events with lots of children. She may find it helpful to have someone who can tell family what's going on so she doesn't have to.

After my miscarriage my friends and family were lovely, but I would have liked them to check in with me after the first few months. I don't begrudge them for not and I could have mentioned how I was feeling - but I didn't. However I'm sure other people would have preferred for it to be ignored.

Just wanted to bump this for you.

@countbackfromten ah, my heart goes out to your sister. I totally understand your desire to give her the comfort and support at this difficult time. If she can take it that’s great. I could not speak to anyone after my failed round. Everything just froze inside for me and I felt that speaking about would only make it worse. I was in a dark place. If she can talk and you can listen without giving any advice… There is no really one fit all solution. Just Ly her know you will be there for her when she is ready. Not sure this helps

Wishing her to find peace and strength to love on and move forward, to persevere

Like @Tryingat47 I was in a bad place after our IVF round failed. I couldn't talk about it, I was very sad and very angry too. A good friend used to send me postcards every so often that just said "love you" "thinking of you" and so on, and that helped. I spent time with Childfree friends (some through choice, others not) mostly. A weekend away at a spa was nice. I guess reminding her you're there without the expectation of a response is the way to go.

@LlamaGiles for me too, I avoided people with little kids or pregnant women, I knew it was not their fault but I just could not support their conversations that revolves around their plans with kids etc. Arrh that’s tough

Thank you all for your messages, I really appreciate it. I can’t imagine how hard it must be and I’m so grateful to you all for sharing your experiences.

I’m checking in with her but letting her lead the conversations and she knows I’m there for her 24/7. It really does help to hear from others. I love her so much and just wish there was something I could do to make it all better but I know there isn’t.

@countbackfromten I am sure for her knowing you are near is a bit of a relief already

After my IVF failures I had a phase of getting these:

www.blurtitout.org/buddybox/

You can give them as gifts, no need to subscribe.

You are obviously a lovely sister for taking the time to post this. Congratulations.
I think acknowledgement of her pain and grief will be important.
Infertility is a stress on par with bereavement. Spending time with her alone (especially if you have children) so she has your attention will be important, try doing something together that will distract her and bring her some joy. She needs to feel loved at time.
If you can offer to attend future appointments with her, check in on her during her future cycles that will be good.
Don't offer advice however well meaning you feel it might be.
Just offer to listen and be there.

You sound a lovely sister. I've been where your sister is and it's heartbreaking. It depends on your relationship. My friend used to send me a message once a week for months saying something like "just checking in so you know I'm thinking of you". I really appreciated that as I wasn't obliged to reply every time. My sister sent me a little care package of nice hand cream and chocolate. I didn't want to talk about my IVF failures with everyone, so try not to push her if she's not forthcoming with her feelings.

I would say try to avoid any false and popular platitudes "it will definitely happen for you / why don't you book a holiday / my friend's cousin's neighbour had success after X number of tries".

Thank you @CurbsideProphet and @hoping2021. I don’t have kids and am single, she often asks me for advice but I never volunteer it (I’m a medic and will always answer anything I can but I also am cautious about it). I love her so much and she is such a wonderful person, hard seeing her go through all of this but we are just trying to be the best support system we can be (very close family).

@LividLaVidaLoca that is a brilliant idea, thank you so much!!

@countbackfromten ah I see. In that case I imagine it might be easier for her to spend time with you and talk about it. My own sister would sort of forget and moan about her own children being naughty... which isn't helpful 😬 Being a medic you will also have a better idea of what IVF entails (or if you read about it you would understand the mechanics). My own family always kept saying "I don't know anything about IVF" and ask me questions. I would have really appreciated it if someone educated themselves about it. I had to, so I wished they would.

You sound so kind and you're making such an effort to support your sister through what can be such a dark time 💐