Just found out mum won’t travel down to meet her grandson

[Samthenanny]

so I live in London have done for years, family is up Liverpool so not the other side of the world. Mum hasn’t been down in 5 years, it’s always me that has to travel to see them.
my sister comes down with her children, anyway i always thought my mum would make the effort to come down once her grandson is born to meet him but she’s said she doesn’t want to come alone via train will only come with sister and if that doesn’t happen she’s expecting me to go up with a newborn 🙄 apparently I can jump on the train with just a suitcase no need to drive as she has a travel cot, pram etc!
to say I’m shocked and massively pissed off is a understatement.
mom die beginning of oct and wouldn’t dream of heading up until Xmas time so they potentially wouldn’t meet him till he’s about 2.5 months old or older if he comes early.
anyone else been in this position with family expecting you to take the baby to them all to meet??
and sorry for the moan

I have a 6 week old baby and one of my parents lives 2hrs away and is far too busy to visit. It's rubbish but they are the ones missing out. My LO has plenty of people to love her. It's frustrating but honestly, it's their loss!

It must be very disappointing for you but at least you know now not to expect her and can plan your time with your new family and look for support elsewhere.

She may even change her mind once LO arrives.

She may be menopausal but it's more power trip, I think. My family rarely visit me as I moved away. It's almost like a unspoken punishment.

You have no idea how you'll be, wait & see but I would not be getting on any trains until you & babs are both really happy to do so.

if that doesn’t happen she’s expecting me to go up with a newborn

She can expect what she likes, it doesn’t mean it will happen! She’s going to lose out though.

Feel your pain. I have lived South for 20yrs. My family are Northern and have only visited a handful of times. Yet they have money and time to travel overseas a few times a year.
I spent thousands of pounds driving up and down the motorway to see them. Since covid I have barely visited them.
However another family member moved south last year and they have all been over to visit them several times.

I just let it lie for now - in all liklihood she will change her mind if you don't make a thing of it. If you start saying you won't go either she will dig her heels on. Don't let you sis stir it up either a breezy "oh well we'll see what happens" would be better in my view.

My MIL is the same. Refuses to visit. We drag ourselves there with the toddler (100 miles away) occasionally but I do resent it.

Leave her to it, I wouldn't be going until after she can makes the effort to come to you

I hope your typo isn’t a prediction !

Ds is 2 years. My parents have never come to see him ‘due to covid’.
We flew over to England twice to visit. During those trips they managed to not be in the country as had gone on holiday…( covid only happens on flights to visit family, not flights to the beach apparently). Their loss

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you not to go to Liverpool with the baby and also perfectly reasonable for her not to travel all the way to London to meet a baby. She is unlikely to be annoyed about you not travelling as if she was bothered about meeting the baby she would travel herself. It doesn't matter if she doesn't meet the baby until they are a bit older as they will just be a newborn baby. They can meet at another time.

Perhaps ask why she doesn't want to come alone on the train? I love south of London and I think living here for years we take it for granted how to travel across london etc.

I had older parents and I wouldn't expect them to get across London on their own. We always met them at the major station. Often drove to Euston to pick up from north kent.

Would she do the coach? My mil much prefers the coach for some reason

Stay at home for Xmas. Time to create your own memories at Xmas time. No way would I be travelling up north to ensure my mother had her ‘family’ Christmas when she couldn’t even be bothered to travel to meet her grandchild.

I don’t see my family often as I am the one that moved however my mother has always arrived to meet each of her new grandchildren and spent the week helping me.

For a healthy 58 year old who also lives in a big city? Really? OP, I would just say, OK, so it'll be about six months before I feel confident enough to travel up to you with baby.

DH’s entire family lives 5 hours drive away. My extended family 4.

PIL refused to come and see DD (first GC) when she was born if they couldn’t stay with us. It was a very traumatic delivery for both of us and I just couldn’t deal with having virtual strangers in the house when I was so vulnerable. They eventually came, for the day, when she was 2 weeks old.

We travelled up to visit a couple of weeks before Xmas that year (DD born in Oct). Stayed in a hotel. Did so every 6 weeks for 2 years to try and establish a bond with them. Put them all (8 adults, 2 toddlers, 2 babies and 1 massive dog) up for DD’s 2nd birthday party/naming day. Discovered they basically couldn’t be arsed unless we made all of the effort so stopped it all.

We went up for the first time in 5 years last month for a special occasion. (DD is 11.). She hasn’t had a birthday or Xmas present from any of them for 7+ years. (They spoil the 6 other grandchildren (and 1 step grandchild) rotten. They’re all local.)

58 is young. She simply doesn’t want to/feel she should visit. There’s nothing you can say and do about it. Are the in laws nicer?

I'm 55, very similar age to your mum. I am menopausal, and have been shocked at how anxious that, combined with covid, has made me. 4 years ago I travelled alone by train across the country every week, to look after my grandson. Now I am struggling. Crowded places are overwhelming, the thought of sitting on a busy train raises my blood pressure. Maybe your mum is going through something similar?

I'm sure your mum will be desperate to meet your baby, just like I was with my grandson. She should also understand that you won't want to travel so far with a newborn baby.

You must feel very hurt and you have every right to be.

Im sorry you’re in this situation and I hope it’s resolved soon.

Would I be taking the baby to my mums? No. But then again maybe I wouldn’t be strong enough to live with the consequences.

just tell your mum she should be beating your door down to see you and the baby and leave it at that.

It can be a bit daunting but very doable if you take your time and get your surroundings. I’m in my 60’s and always have a few days in London on my own when I fly to the Uk before going to my final destination. It gives you a spring in your step being able to do it whether it’s Paris, London or Rome.

Perhaps this, and aftermath of covid has made things worse for some people - i..e maybe she thinks London is all crowds.