Pregnant and scared

[BeeYellowMumma]

Hi, I don't want to go into full details, but I had a horrifically traumatic first birth nearly 4 years ago. I required Resuscitation and have suffered PTSD since.

I've had one birth reflections followed by an admission of error by the hospital I birthed in, and ever since being told to be grateful I survived and have a now healthy thriving child.

No one has ever taken my PTSD, trauma and struggled seriously apart from a woman's health physio. When I said to the consultant a few months after delivery I'm scared of intercourse, he advised me of a lube to use to help, missing the point fantastically.

I dreamt before my first child we would have 2 children, and relatively close in age. I've put it off through a very real fear of pregnancy/birth/death.

My husband is fantastic, he's been patient and supportive and both of us really wanted that 2nd baby. It got to a point that I contacted my local hospital (different to first birth) and asked to speak to the midwifery team about what would be the process should I get pregnant. They were so helpful and I took the plunge with my husband and typically get pregnant in the 2nd cycle.

I'm nearly 9 weeks and I had an early scan this weekend and saw a healthy looking wiggling baby. Its done no reassurance to me, I feel anxious, unsure and really now pushing my husband away and getting stressed and snappy quicker than usual.

I see the midwife tomorrow for booking in, I'm under shared care with her and the mental health team. I just am absolutely petrified and worried this was the wrong decision for me and I keep flipping between keep baby or have an abortion.

I don't have a reason for posting this, I just need this off my chest.

Please is there anyone else out there who can relate and tell me I will be okay?

I can’t relate but didn’t want to read and run. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things talking to people and to prepare yourself. Sounds like you had the most awful first experience and I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope you find a new team you have trust in to make 2nd birth go smoothly. Keep talking to people and sharing how you’re feeling. Good luck xx

Keep talking and build the relationship- it will take time

Would you prefer a Caesarean section? I imagine a planned one would be a completely different experience to your first. Thinking of you and remember your fear is completely rational and justified.

Thanks for your replies. It means a lot. I don't think anyone really "gets" it and doesn't realise how messed up my mind and thoughts are and just how low I am. I'm really good at holding things together and being the "strong" one, despite the family support, I still feel very alone and scared.

My first was meant to be c section as was a high risk (but not for any of the things that went wrong), I went into labour early and no one believed me until I started pushing. C sections scare me as well, and when my first ended up being an unplanned V birth I was relieved initially. This is another thing playing in my mind that I have a fear of a c section.

I said to the midwife who is booking me in tomorrow that if the support isn't 100% what I need or working I cant go through with this pregnancy. Just feel so sick and awful

I can't feel excited about this pregnancy and only 6 weeks. I also had a horrible first pregnancy and don't want to say but when baby here I can relax. I had a baby after and now they 15. But it's like I am so anxious had a scan last week they said they said definitely Pregnancy sac is there and yet to see heartbeat.
It's only two friends, manager and Partner that knows. My mum is here and had keeping it a secret..and she going Thursday now.

It sounds like you had such a bad time. It's understandable to be freaking out. I think maybe talk to someone about the anxiety. In fact got to a session tommorow for talking therapy not sure if I should disclose although might need to.
I would say take it day by day this what I am doing.
Talking to other people on here will help you.

Wish you all the best

Hi OP. I can relate, although I didn't have the terrifying trauma you did in your first birth. I'm currently about six weeks pregnant with my second. My first was born 4 years ago, and I suffered horrendous PTSD and PND after he was born. It was awful and I didn't think I'd survive it, mentally.
Finally took the plunge now and am pregnant again, but, like you, extremely scared at the prospect of reliving it all.
What is helping me is feeling more in control of various things, and doing things now to prepare. I know that I will need ongoing mental health support, so I've made sure I've got a referral to the perinatal mental health team before I've even seen a midwife.
I'm also looking into hiring a doula for the birth, to feel more reassured (a big part of my issues during the birth was that I didn't know what the hell was going on).
I also know that I don't want to struggle alone with this, so I've already told close family and friends- not everyone wants to, but for me, I struggle with anxiety particularly if I was dealing with this by myself.

Sending lots of love, it's very hard when you've had a bad experience with the first. Your past trauma should definitely be a top priority for the mental health team, and they should be able to offer good therapy to treat the PTSD.

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up for feeling scared- it's completely natural.

Hi @BeeYellowMumma , so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time emotionally. With PTSD after your first birth it is so natural to be feeling this way. It sounds like you need some really good mental health support to help you heal from your previous labour and birth, and also to help you get through the pregnancy one day at a time. It sounds like you DO want this baby, so I think in your heart you don't want to terminate. I have always tried to live by the ethos of not acting out of fear. It's easier said than done, but decisions that we make due to fear are rarely the right ones for us. Of course this depends on a lot but I think ultimately if you are able to get the support you need, this will help heal the trauma and fear for you and you will absolutely be able to birth this little baby that your womb is currently growing 💗 you may not get the right level of support from the NHS, can you afford to go private? A therapist trained in trauma could really help, or a birth / postnatal doula who could help you process what happened. Also for your upcoming birth, it may help to hire a doula so you have someone there looking out for you and in your corner. If you want a vaginal birth again (or at least you'd prefer this over c section) then it may help to get clued up on the physiological process and do a hypnobirthing course. The birth Books by Milli Hill are great. You may have done this stuff already so apols if so but just wanting to provide some info if helpful.

I had a traumatic first birth too, although for some reason I was able to process it and didn't feel lasting trauma (at least I don't think so). It helped me to know a LOT about the physiological stages of labour, my rights, the risks to certain interventions etc. I nearly lost consciousness due to a huge bleed and had to be given oxygen, away from baby for 4 hours, among other things. I am hopeful though that a second birth will be more straightforward as they so so so often are. Our bodies know what they're doing a second time round, right? Since trying for number 2 I've had 3 miscarriages in a row so I'm currently struggling from a different sort of heartache, and would give anything to have a little baby grow again. I'm hopeful I'll get there soon.

I don't know the details of what happened to you but my advice is to stay strong and get the support you need. It's out there and you are stronger than you think x

I hope you can see the heart beat soon and glad you're getting support. I hope your sessions go well and wishing you the best too ❤

We actually have just told husbands parents today, and my best friend has known that we were trying so have had some support.

I self referred today for IAPT as the midwife recommended it. I know I'm scoring high. She said due to being pregnant I'd be at the top of the list for support, not sure what that is. Reluctant to pay for therapy, money is a bit tight but I don't have recommendations and I don't want to keep sharing if it might not work

Thank you, I hope you get all the support you need too. Seems like youve taken similar steps to me earlier on too.

I've been referred to MH midwives too formally today, although seems I won't hear officially from them for a few weeks so feel a bit in no man's land, as had hoped for something a bit more immediate. I know, wishful thinking.

I had a full on panic attack and floods of tears going through it with the midwife this morning. I'm absolutely exhausted from it. She seems so lovely and was reassuring so I am grateful for that. I just have to hope that the words turn to action, and I mean that respectfully

Unfortunately for me, I am a heslthcare professional and knew everything that was happening and understood (a little knowledge and all that...) and that makes my anxieties worse this time as people failed to react and listen to me and I wasn't able to best advocate for myself and my husband had no clue and I couldn't raise my issues to him on my behalf. I lost control, and I'm someone who is always in control which doesn't help

I really feel for you OP and can relate to a lot of your post.
I had my son 4 years ago and also suffered a traumatic birth which led to me developing post natal psychosis as well as PTSD that I'm still having therapy for.
I just think sometimes people can't understand. Yes of course I'm grateful my son is healthy and I'm now physically ok but the mental scars run deep.

Before having my son I always thought I'd have 2 kids but I now think I can't face going through it again. Despite extensive therapy. I also was afraid of intimacy with my husband as I was afraid of falling pregnant.

I sometimes think maybe I could do it again and maybe it would be different.

But then I also constantly look up how to be sterilised to make sure I couldn't get pregnant again.

Sounds like you're getting good support and I'm glad to hear your husband is supportive too.
I don't have many wise words of wisdom except to say you're not alone in the traumatic birth and feeling like going through it again would be hard.

I don't know if you've ever tried EMDR therapy. It's something I've been doing with my psychologist to tackle the trauma.

Wishing you all the best xx

Thank you, i hope you can be successful with number 2 soon, i can imagine that must be so hard. Sending you love and luck ❤. It sounds like you also had an awful time, I admire your resilience with this and optimism for next time.

I don't think I'd want a doula etc, I done hypnobirthing with my first and didn't enjoy it, just wasn't for me. I tried birth reflections and had a doula provide hypnotherapy or similar post natally but i couldnt get on with it.

I'm scared of a c section, but given the damage below and complications from number 1, the risks of another that route come with greater risks than a c section. So that's something I need to also mentally prepare for, and hope it goes to plan. Hopefully that support happens timely. 🤞

I literally relate 100% with what you have said. Even down to sterilisation. Unfortunately haven't been so lucky in getting mental health support. I still feel the same as you, and can't believe I am doing this now. I hope you can also get the support to consider a second baby when the time is right. I'm putting a lot of blind faith in professionals who let me down before (different hospital though) and so far, so good.

I asked about hysterectomy or sterilisation at delivery today, as since the trauma I cant even use tampons and means I miss out on swimming with my daughter, something so many don't get.

I really wish you the best in your recovery and thank you so much for sharing xx

Really frustrated to hear that where I am mental health nurses will see you in person, but psychologists via video call only. I really feel uncomfortable with this. The nurse said she will ask the psychologist but since covid it's been online only, but then why is it acceptable nurses see patients physically? I'm so annoyed and more anxious now as don't want to go through the nitty gritty of it on a bloody video it feels so wrong.

It's horrible having to do it my video calls. I really hope they see you face to face.

I'm still anxious even though last week saw heartbeat. I am not feeling well and I am 7 weeks now. I probably won't listen to baby heartbeat until 10 or 11 weeks.
When baby is born when I can relax until then each week will just be on edge.

It's good you saw a heart beat, but totally get that. I found heart beat this week with doppler I had from when I had my daughter, I can't describe how I felt but I haven't tried to find it again. I think I'll relax too when baby is here, it's just to constant fear of being let down and something going wrong again. Its so horrible.

Have to say, the perinatal mental health team were good, she called me back and said the psychologist has agreed to do a home visit with me. It might be fine for some people to do via video but it didn't sit right with me and I'm so relieved it is now f2f, although have to tidy my house.

Hey op, how are you doing? Please be as open as you can to your midwife about this, there's a large support network around that would really help you work through your history and future worries. Your first birth sounds very traumatic and it's very understandable you're feeling this way.

Very unmumsnetty hug

Thank you, I've never struggled with my mental health like I am right now. It's been so much harder than I thought it might. I'm thankful that the 2 midwives I'm under are lovely, they gave me extended and extra appointments already to allow me time to go through things and I've been 100% honest even though it was hard. They've been so quick at getting me referred to things I need.

I thought posting here anonymously I can get things off my chest and find others who have also had struggles when it came to this.

@BeeYellowMumma

I am feeling so scared and just don't want to think of the pregnancy no more. I thought I had food poisoning and then constant cramps but due to constipation. Every little thing like got a right sided pain freaking out. I had slept but must of be so tired need to wee bit must to held my bladder. I have to keep reading posts from here for reassurance. I can't wait for midwife appointment and scan. I really feel something wrong. This why haven't told many people including my parents.
I don't remember being like this with my teenager who is 15 now. I am thinking it's because I am nearly hitting 40 and so much risks.
Just can't be happy yet.

@scorpio8 how long until you see the midwife? I did make contact pre pregnany and was given contact details of mental health midwife, perhaps you can contact the day ward and ask for details and additional support? I made that initial contact via PALs though as had no idea who I could call and what services existed.

I get how you feel though, anything that reminds me of being pregnant I get palpitations and anxiety. Trying to think I'm about a third of the way through now and I've made it. Still the thoughts of if I don't feel supported or listened to I can't continue keep coming but I've been honest about it and have so far received everything I think I need and feel listened to and validated.

I really hope you can get this experience when you meet your team soon. Thinking of you