Finding out I’m pregnant with Ex

[Hellomama5]

I have recently found out I’m pregnant, this has come as a huge shock and I am unsure what to do. The circumstances make it difficult and I would like some advice.

I split up with my ex late last year due to him being toxic and the relationship ended pretty badly. I started seeing him again a few months ago in secret and didn’t tell my friends or family due to them hating him so much for what he put me through. I have been taking the pill and that is why I am so shocked that this has happened. I had missed my period, took a test and it was positive straight away.

I spoke to my ex and he said he would support me with whatever I would like to do, I have spoken with him a couple of times over the past couple of days and he has said he would love for me to go ahead with the pregnancy and to be a family. He has said he would like for me and my son (age 6 from a previous relationship) to move in with him and that this could be the fresh start we need.

I feel as though he has changed and matured a lot since we first started seeing each other and his mindset is completely different but I can’t help being worried that he will hurt me again and this time I will be much more vulnerable. I am also worried to tell my friends and family due to their hatred towards him but the thought of ended the pregnancy is really upsetting for me.

I was not expecting this to happen in the slightest and I feel so unsure about what the best thing to do would be, things were going well this past few months without anyone knowing but this feels like I am being rushed into making a huge decision and I don’t know what to do, any advice is much appreciated

When you say toxic, do you mean abusive? Cheating?

If you want to keep the baby then you should, but do not feel pressured into continuing a relationship or moving in with someone who does not treat you well. Especially as it will affect your son too.

Having the baby doesn’t mean you need to be with this man, although unless there are reasons why he shouldn’t have access, he will be in your life to some degree.

If he is someone you feel you can now have a future with, then certainly don’t rush into anything. Take it slow and see how things progress over the coming months. If it was just immaturity and you feel he’s past it, maybe this is the chance for him to step up, but don’t be quick to start relying on him.

If you’re going to do this, you need to be able to do it without him as you may not be able to rely on him to be there.

You can do it, as you already are doing it with you son.

However, if you decide that ending the pregnancy is right for you, then that’s your choice. But don’t do it just to make a clean break.

I’m sure those close to you will just want to be there for you. Start by telling your most trusted friend or family member - they might not understand why you started seeing him again, but they should still support you.

I hope everything works out for you.

I wouldn't have a family with someone you describe as toxic.

Decide whether you want to keep the baby as a single mother, and if so, try to establish a good co-parenting relationship with your ex.

Unless you are older, you want another baby and this might be your last chance, I would be tempted to have an early termination and move on.

How was he toxic?

I mean, you’re an adult, you can date who you like. But if everyone who cares about you thinks he’s a dick maybe they’re right?

You have another child to consider too.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. It’s easy to pretend to be mr nice responsible guy for a nano second. No one ‘pretends’ to be toxic…. But they sometimes pretend not to be.

He will not change. In fact, the pressure of pregnancy will likely make him MORE toxic not less so.

Please don’t inflict this on your kids. Parental poor judgment can do so much harm. Please protect them from this.

I can see how him saying he wants to be a family must be incredibly enticing but try and look at things objectively for a moment. If he were to screw up again could you manage on your own? Do you genuinely want a baby right now or is it you being seduced by the idea of happy families?

If you continue with the pregnancy then obviously don't go rushing into anything. He needs to prove he can be trustworthy and responsible rather than just saying all the right things.

Thank you for the replies I feel this has been helpful for me, a bit more context to the situation;

I am 26 and he is 32. I did not want a baby right now at this part in my life and already being a single mother to 1 child I always had in my mind that the next time I get pregnant I will be settled hopefully married and be 100% sure this is what I want however obviously this is not the case.

We ended because he was immature and acted like he didn’t care about me in the slightest, he didn’t cheat as far as I’m aware but there were messages from girls asking to meet up and he was going a long with it. He also had issues with drink and gambling and this was all he seemed to care about. I do feel like things have been different this time around, he has knocked drink and gambling on the head and says the time we spent apart was a wake up call for him and he realised he wanted everything with me and therefore knew he had to give up the childish behaviour.

i feel like my gut is saying this is not the right time for us and I need to end the pregnancy until things are more stable in my life but every time I think about doing that I burst into tears and I’m not sure I can go through with it. I feel like I will always be wondering ‘what if’ and I do actually love him.

How difficult, I’m really sorry. It would be good for you to chat to someone who knows you, be honest with a friend you trust.

He sounds like an awful partner, please don't set up a family with a cheat, a gambler and a drinker, trust me I am talking from experience.
At your age I'd be having a termination and be choosing a better partner and future father in your next relationship.

Difficult situation !

You need to make two separate decisions ;

• Do you want to keep the baby ?
• Do you want a relationship with that man ?

Those are two very separate issues, even though they might seem linked. Personally I wouldn't want to be tied to a drinker and gambler for the next 18 years but I appreciate going through a termination is hard emotionally and you may not be able/willing to endure it, or you may be really willing to keep the baby regardless of who the father is. Just have your eyes wide open, whatever you do.

I would terminate the pregnancy and move on with your life. He will still be toxic but you will be trapped.

Listen to your gut.

Whatever about having a baby, that’s hypothetical for now, the fact that you’d even consider moving your 6 year old child in with man worries me.

Do not get tempted to go back to him. You have identified him as toxic. That won't change. You are feeling as though it would be cosy to be a family with him because of the pregnancy, but the warm glow it gives you won't last.

Your six year old deserves a better life than having a toxic stepfather.
Please protect your child, first and foremost.

Ending your pregnancy might be the right choice for you. If not, you know you can raise another child on your own.

Either way, don't go back to your ex. It will be a miserable life for you all.

I too would be worried for your 6 year old about moving in with this man. Would you be willing to have a baby living on your own ? Either way i think you need to keep your 6 year old and their stability and happiness as a priority regardless of what you decide . I hope you are ok and that things work out.

It's entirely up to you whether you keep the baby and whether you raise it alone or if you want to co-parent.

But please don't make your son move in with this guy.