Some advice please

[Kellog88]

Hiya, so I'm after some advice please. I'm 20+1weeks pregnant. Hubby and I both wanted to try for this baby but since being pregnant he's only once touched my tummy, talked to it and asked how I am .. yes once! Since then he doesnt do any of that, nor does he ask about what baby is doing .. you know like on the apps where it tells you about its development week by week, he rarely cuts me any slack as this pregnancy has been tougher than my first and he's generally just disinterested. So my 20 week scan is tomorrow. He knows it's the 28th June but hasnt yet asked me the time. So I feel I shouldn't have to be his secretary & remind him of something so important. No one is reminding me, it's all I can think of, I'm so looking forward to it! So do I just see if he asks the time/turns up or not? My gut is he wont ask and he'll forget and wont be there.

Hopefully it's nothing sordid. My husband was just a bit creeped about it all (I was prior to pregnancy) and wasn't too into the talking/belly things. Later on he got more used to feeling the odd kick and watching my bump move.

He's the most doting dad and loves DC. I'm interested to see how he is if we have a second. Might be the same again, might be a bit reserved again.

It definitely doesn't mean they're not interested. They just don't always connect the way you do by feeling the baby inside you and growing it. Some men don't feel it until they've held their child.

Tbh my husband never ever talked to my stomach or rubbed it or anything like that with either of my pregnancies. He's not that kind of person. He was supportive in other ways, such as practically when I was ill in first trimester, but honestly pregnancy itself isn't that interesting when it's not you who is carrying the baby. He's great when the baby is actually here, but it's an odd kind of thing when baby isn't in the world yet and men don't get the same kind of connection as women do, so it's almost like a hypothetical until they are here. I don't think he would have been overly interested in whether the baby was the size of a mango or not either!

Is he supportive in other ways and pulls his weight generally?

Sordid being the wrong word. I just mean I hope it's not a bad reason just a "I'll get my chance when they're here"

@startfresh 4 years ago with our first from day 1 he was so excited though, touching my tummy, talking to it, finding out week by week on the app what baby is doing, taking photos of my bump but with this one nothing. Its upsetting. I feel alone in the pregnancy. Other than my 4 year old he's so sweet always touching, singing, talking to baby little darling.

So it's a change. Maybe it's a "been there" kinda thing. Or maybe he was putting on the excitement as a first time dad.

I'd ask, if it was my DH, but I can understand if you don't feel able to/want to.

@Hugasauras he's always been active around the house pulling his weight yes and fairly good dad to our son and he also has a daughter from a previous relationship. With our son he did his fair share when he was a baby too but how different he is in this pregnany to our first I'm not sure he'll be so good this time :( hope I'm wrong.

Most men are not invested, and many just pretend to appease the woman. Honestly I doubt most would think the 28 week scan momentous.
once the baby arrives it’s often different.

@startfresh .. maybe .. we were very new when we got pregnant with our first, only been together 4 months so everything was exciting I guess and now 5 years on not so much. I suppose I'd just like a bit more interest from him but men arent always that way I suppose.

@fallfallfall .. I hope he's different once baby is here yes .. thanks

So peeps .. yes remind him or just leave it and see??

hope It’s nothing to worry about op. We’re pregnant with baby number 3 and I think the more pregnancies you have the less exciting the appointments and scans become because you know what’s coming and you’ve done it before, sometimes the excitement doesn’t come till the babies arrived…my oh came to my 12 week scan but then when I said “I have another scan on this date but I don’t know what we’re going to do about childcare I might have to go by myself?” my oh was just like “yeah then you’ll have to come back and I’ll have to go straight to work so I don’t get in trouble” where had it been our first I know his reply would of been “I’m absolutely not missing it!” ….i think men are a bit dumb sometimes and don’t always think or realise what we go through sometimes unless it’s shoved in front of their face…maybe just speak to him, I know my oh is super unorganised and forgets important dates all the time, I’m always buying his families birthday presents but I know that doesn’t mean he loves them any less xx

@Jaaxe .. thank you. My OH is the same I'm the organised one like you remembering birthdays etc. Like you say probs nothing more in it than it's his 3rd baby and he's just being forgetful but not meaning anything by it.

Going to go against the grain here...
Second time around and fiancé couldn't be more interested- sorry don't mean to sound harsh or boast because that's not the aim of my post but if that was me I really wouldn't be feeling very happy about it.
Admittedly my fiancé hasn't attended all the scans and only actually one antenatal app but with his work it's impossible and my nhs ones have been very last min, one ringing on the week of?! I'm under a consultant so have had more scans - growth scans etc

So when he's missed them then we've always had private scans so he could be part of it
We didn't care about the cost I love the additional scans, made me so reassured and it was a good thing for us
I was anxious at the start when I found out
5yrs TTC and 4 rounds ivf doesn't make you feel very confident

Maybe as you get bigger he may be more 'interested' as in terms of helping
Because without my fiancés help I would very much be struggling (I'm 36 wks and very big and uncomfortable and find some tasks very hard, I'm tired and have very low blood pressure and have been told to take it easy) I've also had a few reduced movements and I've found some of the pregnancy quite stressful
I've had endless thrush on and off and 2x uti and it's been one worry after after
Now can't sleep due to bladder, back and hip pain ! So he's been amazing helping around the house and doing things I can usually do with ease
I feel they should be very much part of the pregnancy as possible as I can appreciate it is hard but that's exactly why they should be getting involved where they can!
Why should you remind him? He should know or he asking you in my opinion
BUT that's just my opinion
The other advice you have been given is fair enough but it sounds like that's fine with them also. Which is great if that works for them - Your post doesn't sound like you are hence you posting
Can you talk to him?
I know and can tell that mine and finances relationship has completely changed!
Our sex life is non existent- mainly due to the thrush but now there's no way I feel comfortable to, I don't feel sexy in anyway shape or form and that makes finance feel the same about sex because of how I feel even though he used to say 'when you're pregnant....' but it's soooo different (so he doesn't want sex with me either but always said things wouldn't change for him, they definitely have! ) we have a huge maternity pillow blocking us in bed so we miss our cuddles and closeness, he's doing so much more around the house after long shifts himself, ok admittedly he doesn't let me do anything and gets cross with me but that's another matter ! we are both tired, dynamics have completely changed already
BUT we communicate and both feel our relationship is at its best (madness considering what I've just listed!) and have set things such as date night when baby is here to have a glass of wine and eat what we like (we went on a no drinking no sugar full of fibre diet for almost a year to help with our fertility issues) it's been a long old journey
So we talk laugh and joke about it
I've had a couple of emotional days where without his support which I think is very much needed then I would be struggling
He does talk and run my belly but I guess that's doenst mean he isn't interested/ hasn't bonded
What helps is that he has the app so there's so excuses
We often read the weekly updates together
He doesn't like reading on the next week but I do ! So I have a little peak and he always wants to wait
Could this be something you do together ? Just a suggestion
Sorry for the long post didn't realise it would be this long! Xx

And I just want to add, I'm the organiser in our relationship too - nothing would get done otherwise! I buy cards and pressies for all his side of his fam, always have done
I think I've listed and purchased everything we need for baby which he hasn't been involved with, but I've made him pick the cot and we went out looking for a pram together and made him involved with that ! He actually hates shopping too! So yes that was a bit of a task but my point is what you've listed is about him being involved and how it's made you feel

So no he hasn't been involved in all of the above but where it matters he has if that makes sense, only you can know if it's enough x

My DH was never bothered about talking to the bump or anything like that. He occasionally puts a hand on it in bed but I think he goes for a cuddle and that's where his hand lands! He's also ambivalent about scans since, in his words "you can't actually see anything".

He does ask how I am though, and pick up the slack when I'm struggling physically. He always asks how appointments have gone. He's been a wonderful day to our DD1 from day 1 and I'm certain will be with DD2. If you feel he's letting you down then tell him, and be explicit about what help he needs. You're right though - don't be his secretary.

I've told DP the date and time of our 20 week scan about 3 times when he's asked and no doubt I will tell him another 5 times 😂 this is our first baby and he is wonderful but also very typically male in forgetting dates and times 😂. Being pregnant is so high on the list of things going on in my mind due to the body changes etc but it's probably not so at the forefront of his mind as he doesn't feel the physical feelings I feel. He's excited but I doubt it will be real to him until we're in the delivery room!

Thanks ladies x