I’m 24 weeks today and have my next midwife appointment on Friday. Some days I’m really struggling with anxiety. It’s bleeding over into my work, money, friendships, I just feel constantly panicky about everything. I’ve found myself up in the early hours checking electric sockets in case there’s a fire and hiding back up cash in my car in case I don’t have enough money on my card at the petrol station.
My pregnancy is high risk due to IVF and my own medical conditions and I’m worried about somehow failing at the birth, and I’m worried I’ll be a terrible mum. IVF was very long and emotional, and I’ve rather avoided people with babies and small children for several years because it just hurt too much. Now I don’t know ANYTHING about babies!
It’s all been compounded by a run of bad luck. House sale fell through, we lost money on it and can no longer afford to move, death in the family, elderly family member having a fall and going into hospital, one horse I was responsible for colicked and died, two weeks later another one colicked as well and only just pulled through, our front door broke, it’s just one thing after another and I’m crying all the time over everything.
Added to that we have a close family member who is very excited but very overbearing about my pregnancy. With so many crap things happening, and how shitty the whole IVF process has been, there were little firsts we were looking forward to. Little baby purchases and telling certain people who would be excited for us, but we wanted to do it on our own timeline, because of the fear of ‘tempting fate’. I know it’s silly and it doesn’t matter in the long run, but it’s really hurt and increased my stress levels to find out that this person decided we were being silly and made the decision to tell people and buy things before we were ready to do it simply because she didn’t feel like our timeline for doing it was ‘right’.
Ive thought about texting the midwife to tell her I’m struggling but then I didn’t want to waste her time. I’m crying all the time. I’m not sleeping. I’m worried about so many things.
Now I’m afraid I’ll get to the appointment on Friday and just burst. Am I going to look like an idiot?