Struggling

[Mistysmom]

Looking for some advice - I am currently 19 weeks pregnant with my 3rd, previous pregnancy was ectopic.

For the last few weeks I have really struggled. I'm crying one moment and the biting someone's head off the next.

I have no interest I'm anything - got a family wedding tomorrow and the thought of going is making me physically sick.

Very few people know about the pregnancy, only close family and friends so rocking up with a pregnant belly, would mean 1000 questions and comments.

I'm struggling with my eldest at the moment who is 17 and who we think may have asd but going through the process of having him diagnosed. He does what he wants with no thought about anyone else - he has zero respect for others in the house, plays games til stupid o clock, is extremely loud and the meltdowns are unreal when he doesn't get his own way.

Sleep is non existent - lucky to get 5 hours a night and then I can't concentrate in work. Making loads of errors 😑

I suffer from depression and anxiety and have been on and off medication for years - I have been off them since I found out I was pregnant and really don't want to take them due to not wanting to hurt the baby as the Dr has advised me of what could happen.

I really don't know what to do for the best.

My DH is so supportive but I can't rely on anyone else - he is baby's dad but not my other two children and I have zero support from the ex and his family.

Hey @Mitsysmom
Sounds like you are really struggling, I'm sorry. I would encourage you to speak to a doctor again. There are many women who take medication during pregnancy and there are options if you have benefitted from antidepressants in the past.
Sounds like the wedding tomorrow is causing you a lot of stress and anxiety too. What has your husband said? Would it be the end of the world if you just removed this stress and focused on getting better and doing some things for yourself?

I phone the Dr's and then persuade myself that I can cope. I managed to do it on my second child. I just don't want the baby suffering from any side effects and that's causing me to worry even more. The Dr said it can cause issues in the 3rd trimester with low birth weight and jitters. I also want to breast feed which they don't recommend being on medication either.

My husband has said he doesn't mind not going. It's a wedding on my side of the family - they already think I'm being funny as I didn't attend the hen party (again anxiety and didn't have £50 to spend on a prosecco brunch drinking only non alcoholic beverages).

Hopeful bump x

Be kind to yourself. You have l
good reason to feel the way you do. I would honestly not go to the wedding, answer 1000 questions and feel so anxious.

If they are already funny with you, then it seems like they aren't very considerate to you. Seriously save yourself the anxiety and stress and just relax with your dh. I would do that too.

Wedding - say you all have Covid or D&V, don't attend, it's not worth the stress.

Mental health - ask to be referred to perinatal mental health services. You will get access to therapy, support and clinicians who really understand mental health medications. There are thousands of women who take their mental health medication through pregnancy because otherwise their mental health will deteriorate. Your mental health conditions will impact your baby both during and after pregnancy if they are not well-managed. Talk to professionals who are well-informed. Your GP is not an expert in this field.

Eldest son - can you while things are feeling really tough just go with the flow with him with the things you can? But the noise late at night is unacceptable so you probably need to hold a boundary around that. When he is calm can you talk to him about that particular element? What does he respond to? Would a written agreement he can refer back to be useful? Is his dad on the scene and he could go there once a week?

Sleep - sorry, it's so hard to sleep well in pregnancy, especially when you are worrying. Is it getting to sleep initially or not being able to get back to sleep when you wake in the night that is more of an issue? I have pregnancy insomnia and have found various things helpful - lavender oil, changing to brushed cotton bed sheets, a hot water bottle, loads of pillows for sore hips, even cuddling a soft toy helped one night 🙈 my friend with chronic insomnia found that saying to herself 'I accept that I am awake' and actually trying to accept it really helped, ironically.

@Mally100 I've decided not to go, my dh is going with my youngest ds to be there for company for my mother - thats why I've been feeling so guilty. The wedding is on my mother's side of the family.

I'm not having a better day today tbh, I've ready burst into tears in my sons swimming lesson this morning x

@darceysmom I made the step to phone my midwife yesterday and say I need more support so she said it will take 2 weeks for the referral to go through with perinatal mental health services - she is sending out mindfulness tasks for me to try that too. She did say I should contact my Dr's which I am going to do first thing Monday.

I was on fluoxetine 20mg before I found out I was pregnant. Scared it'll be harmful for the baby if I do but I know I can't carry on like this.

I've tried speaking to my son but he keeps saying I'm not being loud, yet when we can hear him 3 floors down (we have a townhouse), then I don't think we are being unreasonable. The night always causing friction as my youngest ds has a set bedtime and whilst eldest ds is playing games and talking really loud, the youngest can't get to sleep then. Explained that we can't go on like this when the baby arrives but we are the petty ones.

I will have to try those insomnia tricks - they are really helpful. last night I had trouble drifting off til gone 11pm and then was awake between 2 til 4 - woke up at 7pm. Other times ill fall asleep fine and just get the 2am racing thoughts and that's it then.

That sounds so hard with your eldest son, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that on top of other things.

I don't have any children with SEN so this may be a totally unreasonable suggestion, in which case I apologise, but do you think his noisiness is part of his SEN traits or is it something he can reasonably manage, but just won't? I ask because if it's the latter then you could conceivably play hardball with him - turn the wifi off, confiscate the console, confiscate the headset, unless he's prepared to abide by your house rules?

An alternative suggestion - is the noise made worse because he's on the top floor? Can you switch the bedrooms? It'll be a less noisy for your younger DC if they are above rather than below the noise I think. White noise in their room? Obviously this isn't going to solve the underlying problem but sometimes temporary solutions are helpful.

Really well done for contacting your midwife. I hope your referral comes through sooner - mine was surprisingly quick. Fluoxetine is considered one of the safer antidepressants to take during pregnancy, and the NHS website says the studies show the risks are low and side-effects for the baby temporary. But the perinatal mental health team will be able to advise you properly. It sounds like your GP is not very well informed on this so if you do see the same one please try not to be influenced by their opinion on this, some have very outdated views and this is not their specialist area. The specialist team can advise better.

Do you have any extended family help? Because it sounds like you really need a break! What's work like, any chance of getting signed off for a bit to allow you to rest?

No it was a good suggestion, I'm not sure tbh, he's always been a loud talker and we always knew there was something unique about him since he was in juniors. But it was never picked up until comp when they said he was on the autistic spectrum. Then we had some support and it got better. Now he's getting to that adult stage, it's got worse as he thinks he is too old for house rules.

The only reason I'm pushing for a diagnosis now is I'm scared for him
We've tried switching off the Internet or taking away electronics and it causes a full blown melt down.

We have a spare room downstairs which is currently being used as an office. We were planning on moving him back down there once the baby is old enough so the baby has his old room.

I hope it comes through soon too- the midwife was lovely when I spoke to her yesterday. Thank you for all your advice, I think the best thing is for me to get myself better and if that means going back on the fluoxetine, then I need to do it.

Work is mental atm, I'm snowed under with work. So making mistakes is too easy currently. I've only been signed off on the sick once before for my mental health as normally its an avenue to distract me from it

Thank you so much for your advice, I will take this on board xx

Well done for taking some steps @Mitsysmom and seriously, sooooo many women safely take medication through pregnancy. It is more than likely safer for you to be taking it rather than not at this point. Good luck and make sure you always reach out like this when you need to x

I was on sertraline during my first pregnancy and my daughter was born perfectly healthy at 7lb 6oz. I also EBF her while on sertraline for a year. I’m not sure I would have coped without it… that being said I’m not sure I would do it again with another pregnancy so I do see where you are coming from. There are options available to you! I hope you can find somebody who can help you ❤️

I've read that anti depressant is another good one to be on whilst pregnant and during breastfeeding. Will be phoning the Dr first thing tomorrow.

Last night wasn't good, picked up dh, mother and ds from the wedding and got upset at how drunk dh was. I miss the feeling of being able to have a glass of wine to wind down and a nice few drinks on the weekend. I ended up going for a drive at gone half 9. Ended up worrying dh and mother - I really need to get myself sorted 😔 x