Hi everyone. I'm 38+5 weeks pregnant today and am due to have a planned c-section on Weds due to baby being breech. I'm not excited. In fact, I feel pretty miserable about the whole thing - the c-section, the birth, recovery, looking after the baby, the lot.
The truth is, I haven't felt excited about the birth at all, even before I discovered I'd be on track for a c-section. Neither vaginal birth with all its uncertainty nor c-section appealed to me. With the exception of the baby being breech and a failed ECV, I've had a textbook easy pregnancy. Very little at all to complain about - no real sickness, no complications, I've been active and sleeping okay throughout, and I'm still able to do quite a lot. We did have some stressful stuff happen during the pregnancy (moving house twice) and I struggled then, but we got through it. I've had bouts of depression in the past that I've been medicated for, but not for years, and I'm wondering if my low mood and general negativity now might be a sign that things will also be rocky when baby is here?
I'm also not particularly looking forward to introducing the baby to anyone. My in-laws are coming to stay for a long weekend about two weeks after the birth, and then my mother for a long weekend, the following week. I'm dreading it mostly. Despite warning them it would be a little while before they could come and visit (we live in London, in a small house, and they live hundreds of miles away so have to stay), and them saying they understood, they somehow both organised it so that those weekends would be most ideal for them. My mum struggles to get time off work, so she went ahead and booked holiday without consulting us that she can't change (and we have to pay for her train ticket because she can't afford it); my in-laws run a holiday cottage on their property and have livestock, and they went ahead and blocked out that time, but nothing else (and are booked solid) for literally a couple of months.
I have a good relationship with all of them, though things can be complicated with my mum, but I've felt pressured and my gut is telling me I'll need and desperately want space. What's annoyed me is that I made my feelings clear to all and said 'we'll let you know,' but it's like they've decided independently that two weeks is all I'll need, and now I have to process my own guilt if I put them off for longer. I know that's on me, but it's just who I am. I also know it's tricky to plan trips and I do understand them wanting to meet the baby, but I just wanted to wait until she was here to see how I was coping before confirming dates.
I'm not even a mum yet and I'm tired already by how intrusive all of this baby stuff has been, from people's expectations, to strangers talking to me about my body in the street. I just want everyone but my partner to fuck off and leave me alone, to be honest.
This baby was planned, and we suffered three awful losses last year before this pregnancy stuck, so it's not the 'shock' of an accident, or something that wasn't all the way wanted causing this. I've spoken to my midwife about how I'm feeling and she told me it was normal and to keep an eye on things post-birth, but I'm not so sure it is normal to not feel anything positive about this. My partner is excited and he's very, very supportive of me and how I'm feeling, but I also sense he doesn't quite understand just how absent the excitement and joy are for me. What's there in its place is mostly a sense of resentment and impending doom about how hard it's all going to be.
Would you say I'm at risk of postnatal depression? I feel pretty hopeless to be honest and I'm not sure what to do to turn things around. Any advice on how to look on the bright side would be so welcome!