Partner saying I'm stupid for anxiety

[isitreallymeor]

I'll start by saying I've been referred to perinatal mental health as I've really struggled with anxiety and ocd this pregnancy.
I'm 24 weeks with a very very loved and longed for baby. It's taken 7 years of ttc, clomid and ivf and also a loss after ivf in November. I fell pregnant naturally. My dreams came true. But I have been so incredibly anxious. I've been to the hospital several times due to spotting with no real cause found. They diagnosed a cervical erosion but the last time it happened the erosion was gone
.
When I first found out I was pregnant the ivf clinic I was under discovered through blood tests I have protein s deficiency which is a blood clotting disorder, that obviously made me more anxious. I inject blood thinners everyday.
I've been doing well (I think) the last few weeks with feeling baby move. I have a couple of times been seen for reassurance due to feeling she wasn't moving as much.
I've now been told I have group b strep which has seemed to set me back again. I'm also high risk for gestational diabetes due to pcos. My pregnancy is consultant led.

My partner last night basically had a flip out and told me I'm stupid and that 'he's not having this again' because I was upset about the group b strep. Basically shutting down me being worried about it in anyway.
Tonight we've ended up arguing and him telling me all those times I was checked out with spotting was pointless and stupid because there was fuck all that could've been done. He claims he does care but has a different mind set than me and that I need to just chill out.
It's not that blood easy though when you have an anxiety disorder.

I guess I'm just posting because he's made me feel like an idiot for worrying and I just need to vent. He's made me feel stupid and told me I am For going to get checked out when I've been worried.
He keeps mentioning a leaflet we was given about first trimester bleeding and how unless you're filling a pad every two hours not to worry. I've tried to explain it's different once you're past the first trimesters
I kind of wish a midwife or something needs him spouting this and have him a good speaking too! It feels so cruel.
Am I overreacting ?

Sorry typos it was a rushed post.
I'm really upset and had a Braxton hicks tonight which I think is because im so upset . He's a bloody stubborn arsehole sometimes

Can you ask for an extra appointment with your midwife so that you can talk through all your concerns one by one?

if you have clear information about all these different and important questions you won’t need the reassurance that your partner can’t or won’t engage with.

Oh he's also said he's going to 'tie a knot in it' as he's not going through this again and dealing with the hormone imbalance. Just made me feel so bad about myself like I'm crazy

I am seeing her tomorrow so will mention again how I'm feeling

Personally babe I don't think your over-reacting,this is nothing against men but something I don't think they understand how important this is for a mother and how worrying it all is, he's probably worried as well but men have different ways of showing emotions! I have a 3 month old now and I still worry all the time I don't think it will ever change! You've just got to stay strong for your little bean that's growing inside you!

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that, but if you are always venting to him about all of your worries, I can see where he's reached his limit. He's stressed out, too, and he can't be your therapist.

I understand he gets stressed too I really do but it's the fact he's told me I'm inconveniencing him when he's taken me to get checked out that hurts too. The last rheee times I've gone alone

I'm coming at it from the flip side here. My husband has been WAY more anxious than me during our pregnancies (high risk because of my various issues), that said my anxiety was awful during the first two- it wasn't until my third that I developed coping strategies that worked for me so it wasn't until then that I could see how anxious he was too. His anxiety presents differently to mine- he gets sharp, disengaged, buries his head and just doesn't want to know- if I try and talk to him about whatever is stressing him pregnancy wise when he is like that then it leads to arguments. I can see why your partner may be getting frustrated (having been that person in the relationship) BUT that doesn't mean how he has lashed out is the right way for him to talk about it or even remotely helpful.

It's really good that you're getting referred to the peri-mental health team and I hope they can give you some coping strategies and also include your partner in it. You've both had a long slog to get to this point so I really hope they can help you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy together. Having gone through infertility I understand how anxious you must be feeling about everything. I know when my anxiety peaks I tend to catastrophise and the only thing that remotely helps to snap me out of it is research- for my last pregnancy rather than let my anxiety get the better of me (I wanted a hba2c) I read absolutely every scrap of research I could and I found that knowing all of the information really helped me to get some perspective and relief. In terms of gbs- please take a look at Sara Wickham's book. It might help put some concerns to rest which can only be a good thing for you. I had gbs with my second and Sara Wickham's book and website really helped me. We were fine. I also have pcos and didn't develop diabetes, yet my sister in law did- without pcos. The positive birth book by Milli hill has an excellent take on risk- it might be worth a read to try and ground some of your concerns.

Best of luck- push hard for that appointment. You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and your partner needs to support you better to do that. X

www.sarawickham.com/topic-resources/group-b-strep-resources/

He shouldn't be belittling you or shouting at you. You have anxiety, if it was as easy as just "chilling out" then no one would have anxiety.

I would speak to him when he's calm and discuss that you need to be a team when it comes to the baby and it doesn't help anyone for him to belittle you. If he is finding managing his stress difficult then he needs to find someone appropriate to talk to. Many many men are capable of expressing their emotions without being cruel to their partners. He doesn't get a pass for this behaviour because he has XY chromosomes.

Also- MIL is a midwife. She always says that it's best to get checked rather than wait and see. That's what they're there for. Get checked whenever you feel something isn't right. You're the one growing your baby and you're the one who knows what's normal for you and what isn't. Even if he's right in that "nothing could be done" he's plain wrong to not get checked.. X

You're not stupid for having anxiety, but it can also be very difficult for a partner to cope with effectively as it very wearing to be on the receiving end . But Is this in character for him, or very much out of character?

If he's been negative and critical in general before that's not a great sign and suggests he doesn't respect you. If he's otherwise supportive and respectful then it may just be everything getting on top of you.

I think you need to let him know how it made you feel, and that using words like 'stupid' is going to make the anxiety go away. Of course you don't want to feel this way but he needs to understand it's hard to control.

I think you're having a natural reaction after all you've been through. I felt similar too. Hopefully counselling will help, and discussing worries with your midwife.

If it helps, I have PCOS and didn't get gestational diabetes. They also told me that group B can come and go and there's no point in treating it early on as it could come back again, so they treat it with antibiotics during labour. They weren't concerned at all, and in the end I didn't have it when I gave birth.

Thank you for understanding. It's so hard and I'm half considering going on tablets which I really don't want to do ! I know I need to try and help myself and I do try my best but sometimes it just takes over and I can't cope. I've never been so worried.

My partner is a very blunt and to the point man. He's not all bad at all but he's very sharp. And I am very sensitive, I always have been. I'm convinced I'm autistic (my son and sister are) I really struggle to cope with things and obsess over things too. So him being sharp and blunt really upsets me.
But I don't think I'm wrong on this. I've always thought you can never be too cautious... that's what the midwife's say don't they. I just wish he'd see it from my perspective and not make me feel like a drama queen !

I will look into the thing about gbs. It's really freaked me out and just made me feel I have something else to worry about now. I just wanted abit of reassurance and support off my partner about it but I haven't had any he's just told me I'm being stupid.