5 month old from IVF and naturally pregnant

[Tulips782]

Hi,
I have have just found out I am 5 and a half weeks pregnant and feel devastated and shocked.

We tried for many years for DD.Told I couldn’t conceive naturally and had multiple rounds of IVF. Spent all our savings.

It wasn’t an easy pregnancy, in and out of hospital.Had the worse SPD (which I still still have now) and was bed bound for weeks. Traumatic labour too and DD was born prematurely. Suffered with post natal depression too.

Now I don’t know what to do. We can’t afford the nursery fees for two children and I can’t not work as we won’t have enough to pay the bills. Was supposed to be going back part time in a few months and worked out with current DD could just about make that work financially as have a little help from family.

Don’t think I can mentally and physically take another pregnant right now (I am struggling to even pick up DD with my SPD) but also the thought of having an abortion makes me feel devastated especially as we tried for so many years to have a baby. I’m also in my early 40s which makes this pregnancy even more of a shock as was told less than 1% chance five years ago I could ever get naturally pregnant.

Just wondered if anyone been in similar situation and can offer any insight. Really having a hard time. Would be 13 month age gap potentially
Thanks

No words of wisdom, but a huge hug. It must be a shock. I'm in my early 40's and while I wouldn't want to start over NOW, if I had one small baby I would be inclined to weather it out and have baby no. 2 and try not to think about it too much because once the first 2 - 3 years are past, it's relatively plain sailing.

The short term will be tough, yes, but my 2 are very close together and it's completely fantastic. They really do entertain each other, and as the only child of older parents, I know first hand what it's like to be a small child with parents in their 40's and 50's. Having a sibling would have been a life changer for me - and for my parents.

I don't know your finances, but can your partner earn more to make it work for the first three years?

If you want this pregnancy then you can make it work.

it doesn’t sound like you do though or that it’s what your body needs.

i can see why after trying so long it would feel hard to end this pregnancy but at 5 weeks it’s really not a thing yet either. Some tablets and a bit of feeling sick.

adding a whole human to your life is a big decision that you just did already, no need to make your life harder than you want it to be just because nature played you difficult cards

Op you can make it work.
Plenty people have small age gaps. If you get back to work for even a day between maternity leaves your mat leave money starts again. So you could take the oldest back out nursery until they both go into nursery together. Will be hard short term but will get easier as they get bigger.

Congratulations!

@astoundedgoat not possible in his line of work. He career changed recently too so at the bottom of the ladder.
As it’s so early I’m taking a bit of time to have a think about things. It’s my physical state I’m more concerned with seeing as the pregnancy was so hard and I haven’t recovered. 😢

OP I had similar health problems after pregnancy and I think this is something people are missing. I didn’t have any more because I was scared id end up in a wheelchair. It’s your body. You need to be realistic about your health and whether you can do it. Huge hugs x

Can you speak to someone medical ASAP? Preferably the person you already see about your SPD and ask how a pregnancy is likely to affect your spd.

Since your dp is at the bottom of his career ladder, can you afford for him to reduce his work and care for dc? And for you to increase your hours at work?

@Bluebellsand @kerosene20 it’s the SPD I’m most concerned about. I saw a specialist two weeks ago before I knew I was pregnant and they said it would probably be worse with a second pregnancy. They said my body needed time to recover and heal. They put me on a four month exercise type program as my pelvic floor is also really poor. I’m worried I might end up in a wheelchair or permanently in chronic pain 😔

That’s a really valid concern. I have chronic pelvic and back pain since and have never recovered. Be gentle with yourself x

@kerosene20 same here almost a year of chronic pain now since I found out I was pregnant first time and I’ve tried a lot of things to ease it. Take care of yourself too

I can't help with the SPD I'm afraid but I did have a similar situation.

Not ivf but recurrent miscarriages before DS1 was born, when I was 41. I had gestational diabetes and a bit of a difficult birth which left me needing a debrief and a bit of space.

Found out I was pregnant again when he was a year old. The GD went wild, starting straight from bfp and was much, much harder to control and hard on my body. In all honesty, the birth was horrific and even if I wasn't ancient I'd never do it again! I could never have terminated after all the heartache with DS1 though now I wouldn't hesitate. You have to decide based on the health and happiness of all of you.

It's a small gap. That's tough in your 40's but actually, not that tough. I'm tired but it's a different game to my 30's, when I had my first child. I'm more patient, tougher, more confident. Now they are almost 2 and 3.5, I'm really seeing what a wonderful accident DS2 was. He's bloody adorable anyway, but they make it SO much easier being together. My DD wanted my attention 24/7. Watch me, help me, play with me. These boys do the same, but to each other as much to me.

Can you ask to speak to the specialist again? Get as much info as you can to make the right decision for you.

If it's not right for you, terminate. If you decide to terminate, you can focus on your health and the child you already have. Don't feel that you should have a child through guilt or any other feelings.
I've re read your post and it seems like a massive challenge for you in every sense.

I think you've just answered your own question.
Good luck

She can't make it work if she's in a wheelchair. (Not without significant problems)

oh Op you must be in total shock now. Of course only you know your body and what you can manage. I just came in to say I have two children 13 months apart. I was 43 and 44. If you choose to do that is is doable and actually lovely as they grow older.

Can't comment on the SPD but can say that a majority of the couples I know who have artificially conceived twins (can think of several sets) also have an unplanned younger singleton. So let's assume that natural pregnancies occur fairly often when you're no longer worrying about not getting pregnant! A good friend with IVF twin daughters and then a naturally conceived son 14 months younger laughed at me, when I assumed that her small age gap was planned! "What, with two 3-month old babies in the next room?! Ba-ha-ha-ha!"

If the cause of infertility was "worry", @Cuckoo48, it would be a lot simpler (and cheaper) to cure!

Unfortunately not a positive story but I have found the SPD and pelvic girdle pain notably worse with this second pregnancy, and I did recover fully after my last pregnancy. I've barely been able to walk more than a few minutes or sit on anything comfortably in months. I'm really hoping I go back to normal after I have the baby. It's extremely debilitating and has had a massive negative impact on my mental health. I don't think people really understand the agony of being - at best - in discomfort, all day and night for months on end.

I had zero spd with my first and then really quite painful spd with the second. Two under two is tough even without remaining spd problems. No one can tell you what to do but it will be a huge challenge. The practicalities around lifting will be very problematic. It doesn't really sound like you want that challenge and I don't blame you.

Re SPD I had it much easier with my second than my first. Actually my whole pregnancy was easier less sickness too.

I thought I might be having the opposite sex but no.

Gosh what a tough situation. Obviously, nobody here can really tell you what to do as it's so personal. There isn't really a right or wrong choice you can only look in your heart for what you want to do. Whatever you choose, you'll end up with a lovely family whether one or 2 kids so it's not all bad.

That said, I'd be inclined to think you should keep the baby. The first few months of having a child are so difficult and horrible, I would hate for you to wake up one day when your LO is 8months and think 'it's all so much more manageable now, I can't believe I aborted the second one.' I don't know anything about this SPD thing though so take my advice with a pinch of salt. That absolutely sounds like a valid reason to stick at one child.

OP it's your decision to make but could the - understandable - shock also be making you catastrophise a bit. It is not actually guaranteed that your second pregnancy would be worse than your first. Fwiw I found my second very healing in many respects after a difficult first pregnancy and birth. It is also an absolute delight having two children and seeing them together. It must be such a shock getting this news so soon after giving birth but like PP I also wonder whether in 2-3 years time you might be really glad it happened this way and you have two close together. All the best either way

Write down a list of pros and cons. Speak to your GP/consultant and look at options with your partner. Could any family help with childcare if you continued the pregnancy?

Friend had years of MC's and failed IVF and told they'd never have children. Fell pregnant naturally, then when baby was only 3mths old- found out she was expecting twins!!! 3 babies under 18mths! They made it work- but, she didn't have your health concerns and had alot of family help.

you have plenty of time to come to a decision so my advice would be to not rush it.

fwiw I had severe spd/pgp with my 3rd pregnancy to the point I was on crutches for the last 3 months. My following pregnancy a year later i only had the odd twinge towards the end. It’s not a given that it will be bad!

Hello @Tulips782, I just read your thread and I really felt for you. I hope you're doing okay.