Newly pregnant - so conflicted

[Bowie11]

Hi everyone.
i found out I’m pregnant yesterday (not planned) and it’s very early along. I had a miscarriage a few months ago, which was sad, but a few weeks after I started a new job (my dream job!) that I’m settling in to at the moment. One of the reasons this new pregnancy is freaking me out is that I’ve not been in the new job long enough to qualify for maternity leave covered by my employer. There’s around 3 weeks between my first anniversary at the job and my prospective due date and this is causing me major anxiety I.e what if I have the baby too early, what if something happens etc. I know it’s so silly but I can’t help feel incredibly guilty I am pregnant so early on in my role and worried I’ll be putting my career on ice, and worried what my boss and rest of company will say and how they will see me. After my 1st miscarriage my partner and me decided to not try again for a while and to give it a bit more time. My partner is very supportive but I know he really wants this baby. Any advice or has anyone else had similar feelings about this? I’m beating myself up for not feeling the ‘right’ emotions. Thank you

Hi OP.

Please don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling. There isn't a right way to respond to a pregnancy, even if its wanted, its still an uncertain and scary time for lots of women.

When I was pregnant with my first (planned, much wanted) I drove myself crazy with worry about work/ whether it was the right time/ whether my life was over. I wanted it all to be perfect, to have the baby at the perfect time, and to feel secure in my career so that it didn't feel like I was throwing it all away (and throwing away 'me' I guess). It also made me feel guilty, because 'good' mums aren't supposed to feel this way (apparently!). But I felt consumed with anxiety about the future.

In fact I've just got pregnant with my second and even now, after everything, I still had a bit of a tizz at the weekend. It's normal, and natural I think.

But with the benefit of hindsight, I would say this. Yes, it helps to have a secure career/good maternity pay of course it does. In the event, I lost my job while pregnant (a massive stress) and all sorts of things went wrong.

But this is life. Nothing about the process of having babies is usually easy or straightforward - literally no one I know has had things all go to 'plan'. They've had losses, infertility, mental health issues, traumatic births, poorly babies, babies who won't breastfeed, losing jobs, moving houses, divorces. It's a minefield! But equally, they've all got through it.

I think my point is - nothing about life can be depended upon, it might not feel like the right time to have a baby (and that's completely your choice). But the right time doesn't exist, it really doesn't - the best laid plans and all that... Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. FWIW, my son is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me (though I didn't immediately think so!)

Hello!
Gosh I can’t begin to tell you how it felt to read your message. Thank you for your kindness and sharing. I’m so sorry to hear you also experienced such anxiety around work. It just feels like such a heavy decision and you feel so guilty for not feeling the way everyone expects you to. I have found myself going back to your message several times today, to re-read and I think I’ll do this for the next few days and weeks while I get used to my feelings. I can’t thank you enough. X

It’s completely ok and normal to feel like this. So don’t feel guilty that you’re not over the moon. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, that will come in time.

I’ve certainly been up and down during my (planned) pregnancy. I’ve not felt ready, but I’m 40 so couldn’t keep putting it off. I’m lucky I managed to conceive naturally. Have settled into it much more now though.

As PP said, there’s never a perfect time for this to happen so you have to weigh it all up. Ie how old are you and how long did it take you to conceive the previous time? (So can you be confident of conceiving again in future?) Can your partner support you both financially while on maternity leave? Things might be tight, but can you get through it?

Dont forget, even if you haven’t been at your company long enough to qualify for maternity pay, you still have rights. They can’t discriminate against you for being pregnant, and they have to offer you your old job - or equivalent - when you return (unless, for example, the business closes your department down - but they have to tread carefully). You don’t need to tell them for a while either.

Whether you return full or part time, or not at all, will be up to you.

Inevitably having a baby will impact your life, but once LO is here, your priorities will change anyway.

Wishing you the best - I hope everything works out for you.

Thank you so much for your helpful words and guidance, I can’t tell you how much this means. I haven’t shared this much with my family or friends, mainly because I saw how sad they all were after the miscarriage we experienced previously, and I wanted to make up my mind before I confide in anyone. So this means so much to have this space. I think weighing it all up is a really good idea and something I’ll keep trying to do (with my partner too.) As you both have said life is never perfect to have a baby and I think I really need to let that thought go. Xx

@Bowie11 im so glad to read your post and not feel like the only one feeling this way! I am in exactly the same position, dream job and pregnant straight away. Although we did want to try this year, this ones come a bit of a shock.. I guess now i get that contraception is only 99% successful 😂. I have cried and worried myself but after an honest talk with my partner i feel better and ready to do this. I Hope u are doing well now too 😊