OP here.
I'm still incredibly upset from the meeting with the two MH midwives on Friday.
I started by saying I felt what she had put was untrue and libellous, and she kept interrupting and saying "well I'm sorry you are offended as it can be a difficult thing to read about yourself, but it certainly wasn't libellous as what I put was true, so you need to stop saying that and move on."
I said I found it offensive she'd put that in the context of me disclosing a sexual assault and she just snapped, " you're being silly if you think I put that cos of the assault, it's because of what else you said when disclosing how the last few years has caused you to develop anxiety, a couple of things really jumped out at me."
- The fact that, ( pre-pregnancy), you said you were living in shared HMO accomadation with men you didn't know, that stands out as incredibly risky behaviour.
She wouldn't listen when I tried in vain to point out that A) due to housing expenses in the south east, HMO's are very popular with single under 35's as housing is so expensive, B) It was a registered, legal HMO, (landlady was actually lovely !), not some weird, seedy "sex for rent," agreement,C) I was living there cos I was new to the area for work purposes and wasn't able to buy a new flat until my previous flat sold, ( brought and moved into my currrent flat in Sept. 2021), D) I didn't specifically choose it as it was "full of men," but because it was very nicely decorated, clean and the tennants were all older/ working ( landlady let to workers only), as I didn't want to accidentally move into a student party house etc, E) The sexual assault happenned two years before I moved into the HMO and wasn't connected to shared living in any way.
I just found the insinuation that when moving into a new area for work, I was such a "risky," person that I deliberately chose to live in a house with unknown men as I "must have enjoyed the attention/ unsafe behaviour," incredibly upsetting.
- She then went onto say, "yes, and you told me how you'd been involved with a married man and that contributed to your anxiety, that was incredibly risky behaviour."
And I was just like, "did you not listen to the context of anything I told you about that incident !?" ( for the record, I would never knowingly get involved with a married man).
I'd explained to her, that shortly after moving to the area two years ago, I'd decided to give online dating a go, and had started using Bumble, ( a pretty mainstream dating site).
Obviously the man involved did not mention he had a wife. It turned out he was staying down south for work purposes, but had a wife 300 miles away up north, ( I'd visisted him in his shared housing down here, so it obviously looked like he was a single man living a single life). I found out when, three months after I'd started seeing him, I saw his wife commenting on his instagram, and instantly ended things with him and told his wife, ( his wife even told me she could tell I wasn't the type of girl to knowingly get with a married man, and that she knew I was genuine as Id'd told her the second I found out,and that he was on a "last chance," as he'd done the same thing with several other women similarly).
She then just kept saying dismissively, "yes, yes , you said you didn't realise," and rolled her eyes to indicate she didn't believe me. I asked if she'd like to see the instagram messages on my phone between me and his wife which verified what I said, and she just laughed and said no.
Her colleague, the other MH midwife, backed her up during all of this , and just kept interrupting and saying, " we've heard your opinon , we're not discussing this any further."
I asked if they were going to document in the patient records that they'd said previously living in shared accom with men I didn't know was a sign of risky behaviour, and she just snapped, "of course Im'm not gonig to go into so much detail." I said i'd like her to document it, but she refused, just writing, " had a long chat with OP about what she belives to be discrepancies in her referral to perinatal mental health team."
I just felt so judged and basically labelled a slapper, that I have been so upset all weekend feeling "forever judged," on my history.
She then just snapped at me, " well if you are not happy with the care from this hospital you can find another," but the other nearest hospital is over an hour away, and, " "being a MH midwife, I've had lots of training in MH, and can tell you that risky sexual behaviour is a sign of poor mental health so I had to put in on the perinatal mental health team referral to get you the help you need, i'm not gonig to apologise just cos you are offended by that."
She then kept repeating " you just show no insight into your behaviour, no insight at all," which was hurtful, ( I have anxiety, I'm not in a psychotic state without insight).
She also ticked the box on the perinatal mental health referral to say "I had no bond/ attachment to infant," ( not true). When I asked why she ticked that, she just said, " well you didn't seem that excited when I asked you if you were excited for the baby to be born," and just rolled her eyes when I said, "but when I met youlast, iy was a few days after my mother's funeral, I was very unhappy about everything."
Her colleague, MH midwife 2, then interruped and said "well I think it's a good thing you're bonded with your baby now, you obviously weren't when you met MH midwife 1 3 weeks ago or she wouldn't have ticked that box.
I said I wanted to complain via PALS, and she snapped "you can if you want, but I don't think PALS are going to be very interested in this.
I have complained via PALS this morning, but I just feel completely humiliated with the whole thing, and am now utterly dreading my standard 28 week apponitment with the regular mdiwife, ( she seems nice, but I'm surre MH midwife 1 and 2 will have fed back their version of events to her).