39 weeks pregnant and DH not speaking to me

SterlingStarling · 2022-06-14T17:34:59+00:00

Five days away from due date. I feel so upset. It was my birthday yesterday and he stormed off smashing things in the next room and went to bed without speaking to me, because when doing DS' bedtime routine he kept shouting at him so I took DS off me so he could go and calm down. He then followed me around snapping at me to hand him back. I thought I was going into labour last night so messaged him saying I was in a lot of pain and he messaged me saying why was I being passive aggressive as I'd put a full stop at the end of a message? He has been at work today and rang me to say I make him feel like his existence doesn't matter in this house (because I'd taken DS off him last night) and is back home now not speaking to me, hardly talking to DS just whispering etc. He does have depression but won't seek help for it, I try and support him as best as I can. I just really do not need this right now, I feel so upset, he knows I'm not well and in a lot of pain at the moment and have had a difficult pregnancy from the beginning. I am frightened of what is going to happen when I go into labour. Don't know what I want from this post really, just a rant :(

Hugasauras · 14/06/2022 18:42

He was smashing stuff in the next room with a 9 months pregnant wife and child? Oh OP, this isn't good, is it? Depression isn't an excuse for abusive behaviour.

ThreeLocusts · 14/06/2022 18:57

OP so sorry. Can you get a DH-independent support network in place? Someone to advocate for you during labour? Someone to take care of existing DS while you give birth? Someone to flee to if he's still breaking things while you're recovering from giving birth?

I don't think that being depressed is a cause of or an excuse for the kind of behaviour you describe, all the more if DH refuses treatment for the depression. I think you need to make sure that people you trust know that his behaviour has become abusive and that you may need help at short notice.

Sorry I don't know enough about how social services work to tell you which team to contact at the council or at your midwives/GP practice. But there has to be a team who can set you up with temporary accommodation if you need to get away from him with the children. All the best.

Original poster

SterlingStarling · 14/06/2022 21:43

Thanks both. I don't really have much of a support network, not much family just my mum who struggles with her health and was/is very emotionally abusive/neglectful towards me but she is aware of the situation and could watch DS for an hour or two. I don't really want to leave him with DH because of his moods. I just feel really down and lost to be honest.

OP posts:

Cakecakecheese · 14/06/2022 21:44

Can you and your child go stay somewhere else? I think you need to be away from his irratic behaviour. Who is your birth partner? I wouldn't trust him to be helpful during labour so if it is him can you ask someone else?

Ihatethenewlook · 14/06/2022 21:46

Your husband is abusing you and your child. You both deserve better than this. Please protect your children and call womens aid

Original poster

SterlingStarling · 14/06/2022 21:57

Cakecakecheese · 14/06/2022 21:44

Can you and your child go stay somewhere else? I think you need to be away from his irratic behaviour. Who is your birth partner? I wouldn't trust him to be helpful during labour so if it is him can you ask someone else?

I have nowhere to go, I only really have two friends and they both have newborn babies / toddlers with limited space. My dad is an alcoholic and my mum lives in a one bed flat. Maybe I can see if he would leave, I have spent ages getting the house ready for baby's arrival and all of toddler DS' stuff is here too :(

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 14/06/2022 22:03

This is abuse

It's not coincidence that he chose this time when you are so vulnerable and need so much support to throw a tantrum.

Forget 'depression'. That's not what's happening here. You are heavily pregnant. You are not focusing all the attention on him that he thinks you should. He can't handle it. So he threw his toys out of the otam and stormed around like a fucking gorilla, smashed things, and is now sulking because he's an immature and self absorbed manchild. Not because he's depressed. His 'moods' are his way of keeping you guessing how he's feeling, focusing your attention on him all the time.

You probably won't do this but you should - call the police.

Call doula services for support during labour. Rope in your mother.

When you're at the hospital and they ask you questions about whether you're being abused, tell them the truth.

You need to start thinking about getting away from this abusive man. I know this is the last thing you probably feel you're able to do right now, but please, as soon as you can, call Women's Aid for help.
0808 2000 247.

BluOcty · 14/06/2022 23:02

I'm so sorry that is appalling behaviour from your partner. Can you contact your midwife team and if you have a toddler your existing health visitor? My HV was amazing, worth her weight in gold. Reach out to any and all friends that you have. Sending a hug.

mathanxiety · 15/06/2022 04:28

Calling the police and reporting the incident (smashing stuff) is Step One in getting him out.

You can get an Occupation Order if you can provide a paper trail showing violence. Without a police report it's only your word against his that he has been violent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2022 05:16

Smashing things in the house is domestic abuse. You poor love it really is shit.

You could attempt to get a doula for a birth partner but it's short notice. And plan to leave. He will escalate and is not OK at all.

Original poster

SterlingStarling · 16/06/2022 05:49

Thanks everyone, I wasn't expecting so many people to say it's abuse and only posted for a rant really. I do have a midwife appointment today, so may mention it but am wary of unsettling everything so close to due date. DH had another shouty night at DS as he was hyperactive at bedtime, and was saying things like "you're making your daddy very angry / unhappy", shouting at him "you need to tell your daddy why you're not going to sleep" etc.

I thought I was in labour last night as was in agony with pains, and when I told DH he said what was I expecting him to do, then sat there huffing and saying he'd been in 30 degree heat all day. I will probably give birth alone but then that means leaving him with DS, I don't know what to do for the best as we just don't have anyone to rely on for childcare. My friend is aware of situation but has a newborn and toddler of her own and as she said to me yesterday, once it's out in the open with midwives I'll have to leave, obviously, which is fine but I don't feel up to it so close to giving birth. 🙁

OP posts:

Weatherwax13 · 16/06/2022 06:05

Please tell your midwife and the police exactly what's been happening. He's abusive OP. You need to get him out before he gets worse and you'll need support to do so.
He's smashing things in the house and being so aggressive to your child you're afraid to leave them together and you're due to give birth.
Your friend is of course right that once you tell people it'll be out in the open. But if you get help from the police it won't be you that has to leave - it'll be him.
I'm so very sorry you're going through this. He thinks he can get away with anything as you're so vulnerable right now. Prove him wrong.
Start making phone calls as soon as he's out of the way. Best of luck love.

lostinwoods · 16/06/2022 06:16

Sorry this is happening to you, OP.

I agree with others, you need to tell your midwife. You can't live with this man.

ittakes2 · 16/06/2022 06:20

I am so sorry what a nightmare for you but you can not leave your child alone with him. You clearly need him more than ever now and he is behaving like that...you yourself have said you can't leave your son alone with him - I think you need to call a woman's shelter. I am very sorry I hope your midwife can help you - please tell her what you have told us. Especially how he is speaking to your son.

AbbiL0u · 16/06/2022 21:12

I just want to give you a big hug. Lots of love OP, there’s lots of advice here which sounds useful, but I just wanted to say to keep talking and get the support you’re entitled to, it sounds really tough at any point never mind so late in your pregnancy!

Queenie6655 · 16/06/2022 21:15

ThreeLocusts · 14/06/2022 18:57

OP so sorry. Can you get a DH-independent support network in place? Someone to advocate for you during labour? Someone to take care of existing DS while you give birth? Someone to flee to if he's still breaking things while you're recovering from giving birth?

I don't think that being depressed is a cause of or an excuse for the kind of behaviour you describe, all the more if DH refuses treatment for the depression. I think you need to make sure that people you trust know that his behaviour has become abusive and that you may need help at short notice.

Sorry I don't know enough about how social services work to tell you which team to contact at the council or at your midwives/GP practice. But there has to be a team who can set you up with temporary accommodation if you need to get away from him with the children. All the best.

Sweet god yes to all of this

My bastard abuser was abusing me even in the delivery suite

Get out now

Queenie6655 · 16/06/2022 21:18

OP womens aid will help and can help with removing that bastard

Social services can step in and maybe help to get someone to look after your son for a day or two?

I'm so angry reading this

Poor you

Get the police involved
Get this scum out of your house he is awful

Total abuser
And it will get worse how dare he speak to you and a child like this

Wish44 · 16/06/2022 21:21

💐 sounds awful OP. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are at your most vulnerable and he is behaving in the exact opposite way to how a good man would. He is a bad and abusive man OP. You have my deepest sympathy as getting away from men like this is so hard at the best of times, let alone when you are just about to have a baby. Dig deep. Xx

fitnessmummy · 16/06/2022 21:22

I agree with what everyone else said. Can I ask has he always been this way?

felulageller · 16/06/2022 21:35

Go to women's aid from hospital, don't go back to his house.

You and the DC's aren't safe. It's only a matter of time before his verbal abuse becomes physical.

Queenie6655 · 16/06/2022 21:57

As pp said

It is so so hard getting away from a man like this

But you must

He will get worse

You think of a happy life without him
I did it and many wonderful people here guided me

Sometimes I. Came on here and they had to spell it all out to me
I had no idea how badly I was being abused

Summerwetordry · 17/06/2022 08:06

I've been through similar. XH smashed up the DC's bedroom because one DC had chickenpox. Wardrobes, chest of drawers and bunk beds thrown around the room.

When I was in labour with both DC he was abusive. With DC2 midwife was so upset for me that she was hugging me and stroking my hair to give me some comfort during unmedicated fast labour.

I put up with it until DC were 6 and 9 and we jointly agreed to leave. Older DC remembers his behaviour. Younger one claims he doesn't.

Get out before they can remember. There was no help in my day. Even police refused to help with DV. There were no charities or Woman's Aid etc. I still managed to get him to go eventually. It wasn't easy, but worth it to not expose my DC to any further abuse.

Queenie6655 · 17/06/2022 11:46

Get out op

Keep posting here and we can try to signpost and support

It is hell
I know it
But you need to let police know too

Have as much evidence as you can gather

Woman's aid are amazing
They helped me in so many ways