To try again? I’m so scared

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I have always wanted three kids, I panic about giving them each enough time coming from a larger family but we have a big enough house and money. My heart feels I would be complete with three but I could stick at two.

I had HG with my two DC and fell pregnant last year (3rd pregnancy), i was so incredibly sick with HG. I was bed bound and in hospital 4 times before 6 weeks pregnant. I also had covid which maybe made the situation worse as I never had it that bad with two older children. I ended up with a doctor saying they couldn’t guarantee my health and we could consider a medical termination. By 7 weeks we chose to have a termination, it was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but my blood tests showed damage to liver / kidneys and my heart rate was 90-110 so increase risk of heart attack etc.

I have to live with that guilt but I do believe it saved my life and my current DC have to come first. After the situation it took 4 weeks for me to gain back my strength, for 1-2 weeks I couldn’t walk further than 20m without being tired and heavy legs.

Just had the all clear that we can TTC again if we want. But I’m so scared, I don’t think I can do that again. I’m also not sure I deserve it. However I’m clinging onto it was covid and HG mixed together. Not sure what I’m after here, think I’m mainly venting.

I keep thinking about all the negatives of having another child and not excited (deep down I know I want another), my friend said it’s a normal trauma response. I’m just sad that’s it.

Hi it's so nice to read your post as this was me and I had a termination last week. I'm distraught. I was so I'll and bedbound...I honestly couldn't see a clear road ahead.

I do want to try again when my health is better. I've decided I'm going to take charge of my hypermesis. How are you feeling? Honestly it's so nice and comforting that there's someone whose been there just like me. I didn't want to terminate but I felt I had to due to I'll health.

Sounds like you've been through a lot OP.
I had horrendous hyperemesis with my son. (Lost my first baby through miscarriage before him). I spent the first 5 months in and out of hospital and very poorly. The whole pregnancy and birth was a nightmare but hes my little miracle and 2yrs old now. I told myself I wasnt finished but gave myself time to heal and researched into HG. I got a peer support person from pregnancy sickness support and they told me about a medicine called xonvea. When i was 5 weeks pregnant my GP prescribed it me and honestly it was life changing. I felt nauseas but nothing compared to my previous pregnancy i could function with a toddler and didnt need daily hospital visits. I did have a lot of other complications in the end but thankfully baby is all healthy and happy and nearly 4 months old.
I originally said i wanted 3 but cant do it again. The thought of dying and leaving my two kids with no mummy is too much but my complications werent completely pregnancy related. .

Can you ask about xonvea as that may help you with #3 and not being so unwell. Ive heard its working amazingly for quite a few women. And also look into peer support. It helped me so much.

Completely understandable that you are scared to try again, that's an awful lot to have gone through

@heartbroken22 im so sorry you have had a similar experience, it’s by far the hardest thing I have ever been through. I took slight comfort in the PSS group saying it was classed as a TFMR which comforts me slightly. I wanted my baby so much and gave horrible guilt over it.

You aren’t alone, Sending you a big hug!

@abbs1 thanks for advice, I did try xonvea but it didn’t do much unfortunately. This was off the charts compared to my other HG pregnancies. still hoping it was due to covid. PSS are amazing!!

I think YOU and PARTNER need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR Family. It's easy to sit here and give our opinion. What you've been through sounds really tough, have you had any counseling to cope? That may make things clearer for you x

@SouthwestSis thank you, I haven’t told many people as I’m ashamed / guilty / worried people will judge me so I really appreciate your message

Oh thats gutting it didnt work. Maybe covid was the issue but please please don't be harsh on yourself. Going through HG is the hardest thing ive ever done and until youve been through it no one can fully understand how horrendous it is so please don't feel guilty. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. You do whats right for you and your family.

I hope you find healing and you get your little miracle.
If you dont know already the hyperemesis support page on here is amazing and got me through my pregnancies.
Sending hugs 🤗