I’m 43 years old, never felt ready to have children until several years ago. After years of turbulent, unsettled life, I met my current partner, we’ve built pretty good life together.
I felt I could be ready to have children with him. That we could give them a good, stable family, support and childhood I never had.
I thought I wanted children, I imagined being a mum, taking them places, reading books, taking care of them.
After a period of trying, we opted for IVF. First, fresh cycle didn’t work, and I felt disappointed. But I knew the odds.
When the time for a frozen cycle came , I didn’t expect good results. At the age of 43, the odds are not great.
What was meant to be an easy 3 week cycle (comparing to the fresh one), turned into 3 month ordeal, as my body kept ovulating, despite increasing doses of hormones.
The hormones were making me very, very tired and lowered my mood.
When I finally had the transfer, I just wanted it all to end. I didn’t expect positive results. I was in a ‘delivering a project to the end’ mode.
But to my surprise, the frozen embaby stuck. When I tested, initially I was pleased.
But then the disappointment came with force.
When going to the 6 week scan, I felt sadnesses to see the heart beating and the nurse saying ‘all good’.
I cried, I’ve been researching abortion options, and chances of miscarriage per month.
Since then, every time I go to the loo, I hope to see blood on my panty liners.
I’ve been miserable, tired, sad, nothing brings me joy, I lost interest in any activities that I used to like.
Now at 12 weeks, I feel guilty I don’t feel happiness. I didn’t even read the brochures given to me, I don’t make plans about baby clothes, announcement, baby shower… as if I was still in denial.
The scan we had today at week 12 was showing a healthy foetus, and was hoping it wouldn’t.
My partner tells me I’m hormonal and that it’s not unusual to regret getting pregnant due to hormones, but then to be happy. That I wanted a baby, so once the hormones calm down, I will be happy.
But it’s ultimately my decision to keep it - he wouldn’t pressure me.
Additionally, the pregnancy reactivated my body dysmorphie and eating disorders.
I’m putting on weight and I hate it. The nurse told me my BMI was 22, and didn’t believe her. Today another nurse said I’m slim, and I didn’t believe her either. I feel disgust to my body.
Am I making the biggest mistake? I don’t want bring a baby to this word, that would be unloved, unwanted.
If I don’t feel love, nor care nor bond.
I’m on a Facebook group ‘I regret having children’ and it evident that not all parents love their children.
Am I one of those people? Am I ruining
their and my life? Or is it only a hormonal phase?
Thank you for reading.