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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

When to tell everyone

8 replies

DeeDee88 · 09/06/2022 11:46

Just off the back of another thread I just read about when to tell people, I see a lot of people not telling now until 20 weeks. Can I ask why people would wait until then?

I am currently 11 weeks pregnant with my first, and have not yet told anyone. I feel very protective of the news, and rather vulnerable. But I am struggling to hide it and feel like I am lying to people, which I do not want to do. My partner and I decided we would tell people after the 12 week NHS scan, which is tomorrow. So he is keen to tell our families this weekend and seems very excited.

But there are just some people that if they knew, would make me feel uncomfortable. These people are all on my partners side of the family. Unfortunately, for want of being fair, I feel we cannot tell my family if we are not telling his. I haven't even told my brother, which has been a big struggle for me as we are extremely close and I know how happy he will be for us, as this is a very longed for pregnancy. However, I really dislike the idea of his mother and sisters knowing and asking me personal questions. They are all quite opinionated, and overbearing. His mother is very much head of the household and will instantly try to tell me what I need to be eating, doing etc. Even the thought of it is overwhelming. This will be my first child and I want to feel confident and ready, whereas I feel they will make me feel inferior and small. His sisters all have children already and they are all highly critical and judgemental of eachother, so I imagine would be even worse towards me.

Has anyone else felt like this? I know I can't hide it from them forever, but I am just so reluctant to include them in something so special. I know in my head I need to set boundaries, I just don't know how to build my confidence to do so.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
NotAnotherUserName5 · 09/06/2022 11:54

It’s an individual decision. Some wait due to previous loss, wanting to know things look ok at the 20 week scan, additional tests, or because they are private people, or they are not ready etc

Can you manage to keep those annoying family members at a distance?

I have learned through parenting you need to shut out the opinions of those who are judgey. Don’t give them any headspace and don’t let it bother you.

Suzi888 · 09/06/2022 12:18

I waited until five months for everyone else, but I told my DM and MIL straight away.

You DO sound like you want to share your happy news though, you just don’t want to be dominated by your DH’s side of the family? The three month scan is normally when most people share their news.

Can you listen, nod along and then ignore completely? That’s what I usually do.

Congratulations by the way 💐

DeeDee88 · 09/06/2022 13:02

Thanks both.

I do try to distance myself. We actually live quite far away, which helps as we don't see them face to face very often, but their entire family is scattered about the country so there are always a lot of family zooms, WhatsApp's, FaceTime calls, planned events etc. I find them exhausting. They all feel the need to be in eachothers business 24/7.

I am excited to tell people, I know my family will be so happy for us. I just can't shake feeling apprehensive about telling his family. I know it is my own insecurities that are to blame, and I shouldn't care what they think. But they are all so vocal and critical, it can feel a little scary putting yourself out there in the middle of it. We have struggled over the past few years with fertility issues and they have made some rather cold, insensitive comments in the past so I guess that is why I feel so vulnerable now.

Nodding along and just ignoring them is exactly what I need to do! I am far too sensitive for my own good.

OP posts:
HSKAT · 09/06/2022 13:07

All down to personal preference tbh.
We done ivf and have had two losses, told immediate family and close friends straight away. Everyone else 12 weeks.

There is always someone with an opinion or something to say. I had someone at work.
I just used to say yeah I know and change the subject.

It honestly doesn't even stop when they are born you just need to figure out what way is best for you to shut the conversation down really.

This is a happy and exciting time for you and your husband, don't let what other think people ruin it for you.

Congrats!

DogsAndGin · 09/06/2022 13:08

You can tell your side of the family whenever you wish, and you can tell him family when you feel completely to do so. It doesn’t have to be at the same time. You need your support network - and it doesn’t sound like that includes your in-laws.

DogsAndGin · 09/06/2022 13:08

feel comfortable*

CoalCraft · 09/06/2022 13:25

I suspect that you will get unwanted opinions from your in laws regardless of when you tell them, so waiting till 20 weeks for they reason is only delaying the inevitable, really. That said, if you feel you want to keep the secret longer and think that you actually can hide it (I couldn't have, I was showing pretty clearly by 18 weeks), then there is nothing wrong at all in doing so.

Cakecakecheese · 09/06/2022 15:00

If they get too much then your partner should step in. It's in his interests as much as yours and the baby's for you to have a low stress pregnancy.

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