30 weeks and DH has changed his mind

[Eek3under3]

I am 30 weeks and struggling. I’ve had very bad PND before, to the extent of being suicidal. When I fell pregnant this time we questioned what to do. DH was in favour of termination but for various reasons we didn’t.

I’m now 30 weeks and we’re basically acting as if nothing is happening. He’s just announced he thinks this is all a mistake and we made the wrong decision.

I don’t know where to go from here. What should be an exciting time just feels so difficult.

What does he expect you to do about it? He can announce anything he likes but the fact is you are 30 weeks pregnant.

How are you?

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. As someone who has also suffered with PND before I can sympathise with how you might be worrying/feeling. Have you reached out to your midwife or GP for support?

its sounds like he needs to go speak to his GP. Hes probably traumatised from the last birth and cant settle into enjoying it - worrying youre going to be ill
i do hope you get good support and can enjoy /be well this time around OP.

I think you need to reach out to a health professional asap and discuss your worries and seek support. If you feel you may be depressed or susceptible to PND, see what support they can put in place. Your partner needs to support you rather than make unhelpful comments. Do you know why he has ‘changed his mind’? I do hope everything works out for you.

I don’t know what he wants me to do….I think he’s been holding this in and finally exploded. I’ve been trying to discuss names/ find a time when we can think about decorating a nursery and pushed him on why he wasn’t interested.

I think he’s nervous about having to carry us through again (and rightly so). All of my previous MH issues are well documented in my maternity notes but I haven’t discussed how I’m feeling this time around. I do rely on DH in situations like this, and his latest revelation has left me feeling like I’m hurtling towards a black hole of PND again.

Thanks for all being understanding, it feels less lonely than it did an hour ago.

Your husband may have depression linked to your previous experience but that's no excuse. If he does, he needs to seek help, not put you in an impossible position. It is not on you to be made to feel responsible for a joint decision or whatever happens with your health or this pregnancy.

You deserve and should have uncritical support. If he can't give you that he needs to remove himself for a space of time until he can, and otherwise do everything possible to support you and older children to limit the impact of this.

I think it's really horrible of him to throw this at you so far in your pregnancy. Perhaps you're right, he wanted termination, but went along with what you wanted and has been silently regretting it and panicking.. but he has to man up thh, he left you under the impression you had both come to the agreement of keeping it. It's too late now, and if he's worried about PND, he certainly isn't helping your mood throwing this at you.

Maybe he is just in a bad mood / having a temporary panic? Something he has said in the moment. It's normal to have worries and perhaps today it just got the better of him

Sorry that you have to go through this im 11 weeks pregnant, I'd be devasted if my husband said this to me at 30 weeks.

I'd try not to worry for now, maybe he is just stressed.

WTF does he expect you to do at 30 weeks??

Well you are 30 weeks so he can't change his mind. He has to be supportive of you. Was he supportive last time, before the PND? Him acting like this is definitely not going to help. You both need a therapist and I think you need to consider if you might find this easier without him.

He sounds terrified. He is scared about having to hold you all together again, but this time there is already a child in the house. He went just be shielding a newborn baby from your PND, he'll have the older child and the baby. That is frightening.

This isn't your fault. You're not to blame. But neither is he. He sounds scared. The closer the birth gets, the closer the moment of you maybe falling apart and him holding everything together comes.

PND is not your fault and is awful for you. It is also awful for the family. You learn on him. Who does he lean on? You need to help each other.

He needs to talk to someone. He does need to be ready and be there for you, a

*and you need to be understand about how afraid he is for his family.

You both need to talk, make some plans. Speak to family so they're ready to step in. Have people in the wings ready to help you. Talk about it.

Was it a joint decision? OP didn't say that.

I had PND after my first (& anxiety) felt awful for the first two weeks of having my second but stared on anti depressants that had worked for me many years ago and it helped so much. I also spoke to my midwife - who stayed in touch postnatally. I wish I had started the medication in pregnancy (apparently it is safe to do so)
do hope you get the help you need. My anxiety got worse in my last trimester kind of remembering how I was first time around but it was different with the help.

Aw poor you OP, your DH is being a tube. He can flip flop all he wants, his baby is already part of the family! (and congratulations by the way!)

Ask him if he would give your older dc back, he will feel of course not and there is his answer.

I do really think you need to call your midwife and talk this out, ask her to talk to your GP too and get some counselling or better yet psychiatric help set up to see you through the next few months.

Tell your DH to call his GP and get some help but don't allow him to dump his existential crap on you for one more minute, he need to talk it out but not with you. You are to be looked after and protected from stress, that's his job and he needs to prioritise. If you have a sibling or bestie who can take him aside for a strong word then great but hopefully your midwife will do a bit of that too.

It's difficult because you love him and want him to be happy BUT you can't influence him. You can, right now, influence your own happiness and talk to your baby and focus on your baby's happiness and your other dc and think of how lovely it will be when you and your dc get to meet the newbie.

That. He's been trying to deal with it and convince himself that it will be okay, but he's suddenly cracked. Which really isn't surprising. He had to see you through suicidal thoughts last time. He'll be worried sick.
I get how hard it was to hear him say that, and it's awful for both of you.

You both need some help with this, so please do contact your GP and/or midwife. And try not to worry about PND recurring. It might very well not do, and anyway, people will be poised to keep an eye on you and be ready to help this time.

I always noticed my husband and brothers got irritable/ panicky in the weeks before a new baby’s birth. In DHs case it prob was because we had previous losses. My brothers I think we’re nervous about the birth and maybe the change in responsibility. I hope everything goes well for you. 🌺🌺

The people that are asking about his support are right. I’ve had lots of counselling over the years, and also learnt to be open with close friends. We had issues a few years ago because he has no one to discuss things with and was leaning only on me.

I had a really good counsellor at the hospital after dc1 was born so might get in touch with her again. I think DH could use a break and some time with his friends/ another outlet to speak freely. Whilst I have a good support network where we live, he literally has no one.

On the PND recurring, I hope not but at the moment I feel nothing. I’m so worried about having to pretend feelings again, I want them to be real.

That's great that you have a good contact you already know - call her as soon as you can.

Are you talking to your baby, rubbing your belly and reading stories or playing music? Does your other dc talk to your belly? These little moments are bonding and good for all of you.

It is completely normal to switch off or distance emotions a bit when you are worrying about the what ifs. You've had a difficult experience and don't want a repeat but this time is different because you know now that even if you were to become unwell, you have all the support in place and you know you will feel better again.