First time pregnancy but considering abortion due to finances

[Maisymoo]

Firstly, apologies if this is in the the wrong category not sure where else to get advice!

Bit of back story, I'm 25 and my partner is 32. I'm one month into a new job and my partner is currently not working but is actively looking for a new job. We both have a bit of debt between us, I have just under £5000 and I'm not 100% on what my partner has. So our financial situation is a bit bleek to say the least and due to that we live with his mum.

I found out that I'm pregnant a few days ago, at first I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. When I asked my partner what he wanted to do he said that due to our financial situation and housing situation, now probably isn't the best time to go ahead with pregnancy. He also said that whatever I decide he will be there regardless.

The past few days I have spent the evenings crying because I have no idea what to do, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow as I had originally booked it to try and work out what my lower abdominal pains were, so now going to go to it and asking for some advice as the receptionist was quite unhelpful when I called up asking if I should go to it or was there something else that I needed to do etc. Her advice was if we want to keep it, then cancel the appointment and get the midwifes number or if we don't want to keep it then don't cancel the appointment. She said we had some deciding to do which I thought I don't know what to decide when I need advice to help me make a decision.

I have done a bit of research into maternity pay to which I would be entitled to whatever the statutory pay is but I don't think I would get that given how long I've been at my new job. I've also been looking at what I could get from Facebook market place to help keep costs down etc. Our friend who knows has been a great help as she has a godson who she has helped out with a lot and has been given me some advice and has asked her friend some questions to help me out.

I feel bad for looking for ways to make it work when really I know it would be way too tough on all of us in the long run. My partner has said that he's scared, he's normally such a logical thinker and doesn't normally do well with the mushy feelings and stuff. I have said to him that if he wants to talk to one of his friends that have recently become a dad then he can I really don't mind, if it helps him with what's going on in his head then I'll be happy.

We haven't told my partners mum as we know that she wants a grandchild and would be very biased and wouldn't take everything into consideration properly.

There's probably a lot more that I need to put down but as a starting point, is there anyone who's been in a similar situation or has some none biased advice? I feel really lost and tired cos of the whole situation.

Thanks on advance!

You need to find out your dp’s exact debt. Is it £3000 or £30000 or somewhere in between? Has he ever worked?
Keep the gp appointment and discuss your options there.

Yes what @GrazingSheep said you need to know your partners exact debt first of all!
Also is your financial situation the only reason you are considering a termination? Have you and your partner spoke about children in general? Also, if you are working you would still be entitled to SMP I'm sure..
Sometimes it can never really feel like 'the right time' but it depends on other factors
You have to think about how a termination would affect you after also, stick to your appointment but ultimately the decision is yours.. it's good your partner is supportive either way and isn't pressuring you.. do what is best for you. All the best x

I will find out exactly how much it is!

We both feel like we're not ready as a whole as this year we wanted to get rid of debt and start saving for a house. We have both said that at some point we would like to have a kid but when we're a bit more stable.

My partner has had jobs and has only recently left his last job due to him wanting to move on in his career. I'm worried that SMP said something about having worked for a set amount of time in the same job before you reach 15 weeks so that's why I'm worried that I might not be entitled.

I already struggle with mental health so I am prepared that it will be tough on me if I do decide to terminate the pregnancy but I know my partner will be there to try and help make it easier.

Thank you for taking the time to respond!

Have a look at one of the benefits calculators online to see if you might qualify for universal credit.

Also for the debt look at something like Stepchange or Payplan who can help set up a repayment you can afford if needed.

I don't think there's ever a right time really, all the best with whatever you decide OP 💐

There are benefits available. You may not be entitled to SMP but you can apply for maternity allowance.
Is it active debt or overdue debt. If it's active, work out what you can pay to clear the debts sooner. If it's overdue, get some payment plans in place and ask for interest to be stopped.
Finances shouldn't be a barrier if you want a baby but based on your post you may have already made a decision. It's your body your choice, remember that.

Neither of you sound like you're in a good place to handle a baby coming into your lives. I know the line "it's never a good time" has already been mentioned but you really don't sound in a good and suitable place to be bringing a tiny baby into this world.

You've mentioned that you may not be entitled to SMP due to not working there long enough and your partner has left his job to further his career - this I really don't understand. He has debt, possibly significant, yet he left a job with nothing to go to. That is not furthering your career, that's being at best naive, and at worst plain stupid.

You're also living with your OHs Mum so no place of your own and struggling with MH issues.

Really think about what you are bringing a child into. Not just the immediate future but a couple of years down the line. Lots of people go ahead in your situation and that's fine but imo I think you need to get yourself into a better position, mentally and financially before you complicate your life even further. There's lots of support and advice out there to help you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

You might be eligible for Universal Credit which has a child element, the £500 sure start grant for baby items, child benefit, healthy start vouchers etc

I was in a similar situation when I found out I was pregnant, I sorted my debt out with a StepChange debt management plan and got in control of things. My daughters 1 now and I'm in a better situation financially, not great but she doesn't want for anything.

Her toys and clothes I get from Vinted and you can save so much money on there!

It's a totally personal decision OP so it's up to you but there are things you can do to make it better and I don't think there's ever really a "right" time to have a baby

Sorry meant what @Danikm151 said... if you couldn't get SMP there is maternity allowance.

Obviously it wouldn't be nice having the stress of money especially with your partner not currently working as well..

But there is a lot of help and support out there, but again just do what is best for you. Just consider all your options and make a decision once you are clearer on things :)

Either way good luck with everything!

People who want to "move on with their career" don't just quit their jobs with nothing to go to. Living with his mother is giving him zero incentive to get a job. If he hasn't been scouring the job adverts since finding out you are pregnant I'd say that that's a good indicator that he can't be relied upon long term and personally I wouldn't have a baby with someone like that. There are plenty of job vacancies around - unemployment at lowest level for 50 years. He really has no excuse.

Please don't comment things like this when you don't know the full story, I only found out I was pregnant on Sunday. He left his last job as the people there were mentally affecting him, he wants to further his career in a better environment. It just so happens that he left it before we knew that I was pregnant. He is a hard worker as he self taught himself coding for the past 5 years and whilst being in a coding job professionally for the past 2 and a half. He has been looking for a job since he has handed his notice but due to his lack of professional senior level experience, it has made it a bit tougher than he thought.

This has all been so recent that we didn't see it coming as it wasn't planned and would appreciate helpful advice instead of putting my partner down. I will also like to say that we have been together for 6 years so he is not unreliable at all.

When considering your options, To be on the safe side I would work out affordability and whether you would want and be able to raise the baby on your own.

I agree with what @breatheintheamazing said in that now that he has found out you are pregnant, has he upped his game to find a job? If not and he is being chilled about it while living with his mum, I would assume he may not be in the position to contribute. It is quite unusual to leave a job before testing the job market first but his mental health comes first I guess (considering he didn't know you were pregnant at the time).

Good luck with your big decision.

Not sure what comments you expect when you don't give the full story in the first place - we only have the info you give to go off

But my comments still stand. If you weren't living with his mother and had rent / mortgage to pay I doubt he would have quit before finding a new job to move on to

I don't buy into the whole "work affecting my mental health" excuse unless he was experiencing bullying or harassment - was he? You said he wanted to further his career not that it was affecting his MH?

If you being pregnant hasn't given him the push to take any job just to pay the bills, get your own place, support you then my advice is the same as my first post - I'd be finding out what his stance on this is first? If he can't find a job in his field then he needs to accept taking any job....

What about your job? You've got 9 months presumably living rent free / low rent - both of you working you could save thousands during that time. There is also no rule that says you have to take a year off on maternity leave?

Bloody hell, there's some harsh responses here!

Personally I work in maternity and see all sorts of people come through the door, some are in the ideal situation to bring a baby into the world, stable jobs, savings, home owners etc.

Some live entirely on credit cards and loans.

Others are unemployed, seeking work, supported by benefits but still willing and able to bring a child up.

There is no right or wrong.

You have to consider whether you feel you can support a child on your own if necessary as it does sound like your partner might not step up on the job front, but there are plenty of families survive on one wage or other help available.

Just because you are new in role doesn't mean you won't get support financially with maternity allowance and benefits. You could speak to citizens advice about what you might be entitled to.

I think it's really sad you feel you might need to make your decision based on finances alone.

I'd hate for you to make your decision and regret it, that been said, you can speak in confidence to your Midwife or gp and find out what support is out there in your circumstances.

Seriously though, where there's a will, there's a wa, y so do not feel you have to make any decision you aren't fully comfortable with.

Good luck to you and I hope it works out.

I had my first at 22, ended up single. Living on a terrible sink estate. 25 years later I have an amazing career, an amazing adult son. I live a good life. It took a tonne of determination.
The point is there is rarely a perfect time to have a baby.
That said, do you want a baby? Do you have a career in mind? It'll be harder but you can do it.
To be honest, and I say this from bitter experience, but people rarely leave a paying job to further their career. That doesn't work. Mental health or not.
What kind of developer is he? I'm trying to hire developers.
But that's off topic, do NOT become a mother by default. Make it a choice. That's the best advice I ever got. If you are not reasonably sure then abortion makes most sense.

It all boils down to how you personally feel about the pregnancy. Imagine if you woke up tomorrow and had had a miscarriage - would you immediately feel relief or sadness?

If you feel you would regret an abortion then the finances and job situation can be worked on and improved. You can do a realistic plan of your current and future finances and go from there. Baby things can be second hand, cheap or even free from local freebay/free cycle groups. You should be prepared to plan for you as a single parent in case your boyfriend really can't step up. I work in software development and I'm surprised he can't get a job at the minute. If he's unemployed and living with his mum he needs any job, not the perfect job. It's easier to further your career if you are in employment than not.