Do I actually want a child?

[Eliza667]

I’ve spent hours reading similar topics on forums and I’m getting myself in a complete muddle whether this is just my hormones playing up or if I really have just changed my mind.

When I was a young teenager, I thought I’d get married and have a child, as I got older I decided a definitely didn’t want children, I just didn’t feel maternal at all and having not had a good experience with my own mum, I figured I might not be a very good mum either.

Skip forwards and I’m newly married. About 6 months ago (pre wedding) I started thinking about babies… a lot, it felt really strange to me because I’d never had such a strong desire for a baby before, I figured it may just be my hormones and that I would wait until after the wedding and see if I continued to have those feelings (my husband has always said he doesn’t mind either way about kids). The feelings have been up and down over the last 6 months and are stronger than ever right now.

I love spending time with my husband, going on holiday, going for walks, meals out, etc. lots of things that would have to stop if we had a baby. We have no family support network nearby, and as the higher earner I just can’t imagine how we’d cope while I was taking maternity. I would prefer to have become the stay at home mum rather than pay for childcare, but returning to full time work is the only way to make the bills work so if we had a child they wouldn’t be brought up in the way I’d choose to if money weren’t an issue. So my “list of reasons why a child is a bad idea” is huge with a lot of logical things on there. I didn’t even think I liked kids, and was afraid of childbirth… until all of a sudden it sounds like quite an exciting experience. I’ve become obsessed with reading all about pregnancy and childbirth and when I’ve daydreamed about the journey I’d experience with my husband I get butterflies.

There are so many different things that come to mind about why I might be feeling this way and I’m really struggling to know what to do. When the conversation came up briefly with my husband, he said while he didn’t mind either way, if he found out I was pregnant he’d be over the moon. I’ve seen how he is with his nieces and he’d be an amazing dad, and I feel like there’s something missing from his life even if he doesn’t want to admit it, so am I subconsciously feeling like this because I want to make him happy?

I’m also not satisfied in my career; I have a good career and have been quite successful so far, it’s just not the motivator for me having a fulfilling life. I work to live. We’ve just got married, so is part of this just my brain looking for a logical next step, new goal in life? Am I just freaking out that life as I know it now is how it will be forever with nothing else new, and a baby is really just masking my desire to have a new joint goal with my husband?

Im quickly heading towards 30 and the reality struck that I am going to have to make my mind up really soon, my husband is also older than me (early 40s) so I don’t have the luxury of waiting till my late 30s and seeing how I feel.

I just feel like there is so much I’d love to do with my husband, and maybe in 5 years I’d be ready, or if we had a lot more disposable income so we had more control over how the child is raised and how much we can afford to spend on childcare for when we want time to ourselves. I don’t know if I want to give up all the personal time with my husband, for walks, the cinema, travel and holidays away for just the two of us, and alongside that I just don’t know if a child is worth potentially damaging my body for. And most importantly, I just can’t figure out if this feeling is my hormones trying to trick me as I approach 30, and once my body has tricked me in to a baby and my hormones go back to normal, will I end up severely regretting it?

But if I don’t have children, when I’m on my deathbed and look back at my life, will I be as unsatisfied as a career focussed goal is making me, or will looking back on all the memories I’ve created just me and my husband be enough?

Did anyone else ever go through this?

Hi, I think this is quite common. I know for friends and for myself we didn’t feel ready to have children till later. I know quite a lot of people who when they turned 35 decided to try to get pregnant. They weren’t completely sold on the idea but felt like they would regret it if they didn’t try. They are now very happy mothers (and some have no support near them). For me it was the case I was with the wrong person. I also found my priorities started to change in my mid-30s which meant wanting children felt more natural.

It is really difficult as you just don’t know what your fertility will be like. You could wait till late 30s and have no issues or you could try now and have issues. So it’s not all down to age. I guess the benefit of trying earlier is there is less panic. You and your husband could always get some private fertility tests done to see where you are and that may help you to think about options. I would say don’t panic too much as you still have time.

Thanks, I know things might become clearer over the next few years I just worry it might be too late for my husband then as he’s already into his 40s. I know men don’t have a body clock in quite the same way but I think by choice if we don’t have kids in the next 2 or 3 years he would rather not have kids much older than that.

I think I kind of just want to be selfish and keep him to myself and the fear of losing that is definitely one of the many things stopping me wanting kids. I just wish I knew where this sudden desire is coming from and whether it’s just hormonal and will go away again or if I really am changing my mind..!