Vaginal trauma and birth plan *trigger warning - sexual assault*

[SquigsC]

Hello all,

I am currently 29 weeks as a first time mum. I had a chat with my wellbeing obstetrician yesterday, as I wanted to talk about birth options. Generally speaking I am a low risk pregnancy and so have been offered a midwife-led unit where I could have a vaginal birth.

However, I have experienced vaginal trauma which is making me nervous of it all. Essentially, I just feel my vagina is a giant let down - as a child I had eczema down there, every smear I have had has resulted in them checking for cancer, and I have also been sexually assaulted. This has resulted in me feeling very tense if anybody goes near that area.

Despite explaining this at my first midwife appointment, and to the wellbeing team, I haven't had a huge amount of support for it, and now here I am at 29 weeks! I have been told that another option for me is an elective c-section, which I am now considering.

I am wondering if people have a similar experience and have gone with vaginal or a c section and how it was for them. I am also currently watching a hypnobirthing course and I have a private therapist to try and help to see things in a more positive light. Many thanks in advance.

If your worried about when baby comes out you will tense up, trust me you won’t! When that baby comes you will push that pain away like you never pushed before! Let your body do what it’s designed to do. Millions of girls sadly get sexually assaulted but then go on to have children without an issue and I’m certain you can do that too. There is no real reason why you “cant” give birth naturally so go for it.

I think this is very much your decision and you need to think about what will give you the least trauma. Yes your body will absolutlely be able to push the baby out vaginally, I guess the main concern is where your mental state will be whilst this happeneds and after the birth.

Whilst never sexually assaulted, mental trauma for other reasons was why I opted for an elective C-section. I actually went in to labour early, a week before my c-section date and found the whole thing, particularly the examinations very difficult mentally as they bought trauma back. I asked to be given a C-section quite quickly after arriving at the hospital and was given one an hour or so later. I have no regrets as it was the right decision for my mental state. Recovery was not a walk in the park but it also wasnt particularly difficult. Having my mental health in tact was priceless as having a newborn is mentally very challenging in it's own right. I am now pregnant again and have asked for another elective as I now know this is the right decision for me.

For different reasons I was the same. Had elective section. Felt very in control and loved it. Bonded with baby right away and don’t regret it

Hi OP, I have a similar background. But, I have always known there is no way I can give birth vaginally, and I told my midwife this at the first booking appt, as well as what had happened to me. She didn’t even question me, just put it down straight away as a ELCS, and said the consultant will be in touch at about 36 weeks to talk me through it all, including the pros and cons, just so I’m aware.

You can have a vaginal birth with no midwife going 'down there' until you're pushing, things like using hands to check how dilated you are are optional, speak to your midwife if that's the type of thing you're worried about and remember you're in control, the midwives are there to keep you safe but this is your birth and should be the way you want it

You can aim for a very hands off vaginal birth.

I didn’t have any vaginal examinations, I gave birth in a pool which was brilliant at protecting the space around me. I felt very much in control of the situation. I did give birth at home though and the Homebirth midwives are very hands off by default which helped!

I can relate to feeling that your body isn’t very good at something. I have a disability but for me giving birth was actually quite healing, it’s one thing where my body did what it was meant to do when it was meant to do it!

You know your body is your own and you don’t have to consent to anything. That includes vaginal examinations. Yes really - nobody can make you have one.

keep talking to the midwife.

Also, if you do have a normal and ineventful birth then that’s a massive tick for the power of your vagina!

I do not have a history of sexual assault but can imagine that it is interference from healthcare staff (vaginal examination, stretch & sweep etc) that you are likely to find invasive/ triggering rather than the actual process of giving birth

You need a clear birth plan which states that any examinations must be absolutely necessary

Have a CS. If you're already struggling and feel 'let down' by your vagina you don't want possible tearing and incontinence thrown in too. You'll be more relaxed.
I lost my virginity to rape and have had life long issues with being touched and touching myself. I found having sweeps and being checked very stressful. I know people can say you can ask for 'hands off' but if something goes wrong and you need interventions that won't be an option.

I had an induction by drip with constant monitoring of my daughter by a belt on my stomach. No one went near my vagina until I was pushing and I didn't care by that point. The memory that stands out most for me giving birth is the feeling of my daughter leaving my body. It's a complex mix of pride, relief, love and fulfilment and it's what I think of when I think back to my daughter's birth.
I think you should opt for whatever method of delivery that feels best for you. Bearing in mind that it is rare for anyone to have their "ideal birth" (no birthing pool for me). A vaginal birth can be very positive, but it has the potential to be traumatic. Only you can weigh up all the possible outcomes, and decide what you want to risk.

I read the Milli Hill Positive Birth Book before I had my DS2 and I loved it. It really made me question my rights during childbirth and that you don’t have to have all the examinations and intervention etc. It has a couple of pages about childbirth after sexual abuse and how that can make you feel. It also discusses the options you have when having a C Section if you had wanted a natural birth but it wasn’t possible, how CS can still incorporate some of your wishes so you can try to have the birth you want.

I opted for an elective and it was wonderful. The room was so calm and everyone made me feel extremely special. I took 30 minutes all in and that included the time it took to be wheeled back to my room. My baby was born in five minutes, which the doctor said was him taking his time.

It was the opposite of traumatic. Whatever you decide, know that it can be a positive experience.

different circumstances but I had an elective c-section and couldn’t recommend it highly enough. I went through all my options and the only one that may have put me off is the risks to the safety of future pregnancies- but this was not a concern for me as I don’t want any more children.

I echo the others here. Do what's best for you. I suppose the biggest mark against a CS is if you want several kids (more than say 3) as that might make future pregnancies and births difficult.

I have a family friend who had elective c sections for both her kids as she'd recently done a rotation in maternity ward and it made her too anxious to do a vaginal birth herself. She found the process very calm and organised and very little issues with recovery.

I've also spoken to a couple people who had both and found recovery from the CS easier, but that is a small sample size.

Think there also might be some old posts on mumsnet with people talking about their experiences with CS and recovery (i got told a while ago i might need a CS so did a little research).

Continue talking about your concerns with MW and don't be afraid to ask for things to make your birth easier for you. You might also benefit from hypnobirth tracks on youtube and apps as heard a few people really banished their anxiety surrounding giving birth by giving them a go.

I have sensory issues with that area. Don't even use tampons due to it, and no penetrative sex (luckily i'm asexual so no loss there). I had to have a smear test in order to start ivf and the nurse just shoved it up there. I still can't think of it without feeling sick at remembered pain.

Following that with ivf i had a wand stuck up there so many times. Those nurses were so much nicer and really tried to make it not hurt. Even them just apoligising for discomfort helped me feel better, so for you the MW / doctor being aware and gentle might help. I also became an ace at deep labour type breathing which does wonders to make those muscles down there relax along with some basic meditation techniques.

And if you do decide you really can't do a vaginal birth, don't beat yourself up for not being able to do it the 'natural' way. It doesn't matter how baby is delivered, just that you and baby are as happy and healthy as possible.

Oh and for those mothers i've talked to who had a vaginal birth. Epiduals are apparlently the best things ever invented and to definitely go for one to make birth a nicer experience.

Thank you all so much for your responses! You've definitely all given me a lot to mull over.

I think this is a really personal decision.

I've opted for a c section because of previous traumatic experiences. I really don't want to be put in a position where I have to consent to having a traumatic forceps delivery. I think I would struggle with managing wound care in such a private area if I tear. And I don't want to risk the (admittedly small) chance of getting such a severe birth injury that it comprises my ability to exercise, because that's an important way I manage my mental health. I also don't want the first weeks of my baby's life to be overshadowed by trying to come to terms with a birth experience I found frightening. But that's my decision for me, taking into account what I know about myself.

Also - I'm 36 weeks now, so haven't actually had the c section yet! I may yet rue my decision!

Honestly, go for a c-section if you're given the option, I can't recommend it enough. They have to talk you through all the risks (which they don't for vaginal birth, even though there are risks for both). I had my first by elective c-section due to a phobia and had a much better experience than friends who have a vaginal birth.

The after care was better, the initial 3 weeks of recovery were difficult (no bending or crouching, so no clothes washing or unloading the dishwasher) but you can get help during that time. You can build up your walking. Within a month I could walk a mile, which was more than my v-birth friends. It did take about a year for my abdominal muscles to completely recover, for example to do sit-ups. The main thing was that I didn't have to go through hours or days of agony just to have a c-section at the end anyway, as some do.