Newly pregnant, very, very anxious

[Tur]

Hi, I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks ago, and the first few days I was swinging between shock and panic, and excitement and wanting to tell everyone. I have wanted and longed for this, and planned it for years, I made this happen because I was so certain that this is what I wanted and I couldn't bear the thought of missing out on this incredible part of human life growing my own child, I felt it so strongly, it felt like a deep ache coming from my womb. But after a couple of days, and since then I have felt completely overwhelmed with dread, and constant wishing it hadn't happened, it's tight in my chest and I feel sick all the time. Every time I am not distracted by work or conversation, and when I wake up, I remember again that I'm pregnant and I'm filled with fear, and sadness and dread, I just keep thinking I don't want it I don't want it. I am in Week 7 now, and have been getting the emails telling me what size the baby is, and I find it terrifying, I want it to stop growing so fast. I am SO sad that I am feeling like this, but I have even been hoping I miscarry, and even thought about abortion, - but I feel SO awful that this is even crossing my mind, when I made this happen myself, I was so sure that I wanted this. What is wrong with me? Where have all the longing for a baby feelings gone? I'm SO SO scared that I will never get those feelings back and this poor baby is going to come in to the world with a mother who is forcing herself to do it, out of obligation rather than out of love and wanting. That's what makes me consider abortion, because there are already too many unwanted babies in the world, and at this stage it doesn't feel like a person yet, perhaps it would feel ok to abort it to prevent this lifetime of sadness (for the child and me)...but it's getting bigger and I'm panicking, and I may also just feel awful and guilty forever if I aborted it. I know that the physical sickness is to do with the pregnancy... but I have never heard about people getting all these horrible rejection feelings - it reminds me of those I've heard talking about post-natal depression. Can anyone help? Has anyone else felt the same at the start of a pregnancy and did get better and how? I am desperate to turn these feelings around, and find the magic and excitement and wanting, and love for this baby, because I can't feel it now, I just want to to go away, and I'm really scared that I feel like that.

You poor thing. Do you have a DH/DP to support you, any family around?

I think this is normal. I planned for my baby and felt like this at the start worried I'd made a HUGE mistake. I hadn't. As your bump grows you'll start to accept it and feel happier. Read some happy baby books and try to stay calm. You do want this by the sounds of it :)

Thanks for replying. I don't have a partner (I did this by self-insemination, donated sperm - this is how much I previously wanted it to happen!!). I do have good friends and family who I am talking to about it, I have talked about the negative feelings, but perhaps not told them the extent (ie. wanting to miscarry) - they all say it's shock and hormones and sickness that's causing it.... But it just feels like I can't see or feel ANYTHING else than dread and not wanting it - all the wanting has completely gone, and no love has grown like it should. Surely pregnancy hormones should make you fall in love with the baby... I've had the total opposite, it makes me feel sick if anyone mentions it, I heard a baby cry today and it made me wretch and panic inside.

@Tur

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I feel EXACTLY the same. I'm 9 weeks and this pregnancy was planned. But I cannot help but feel an overwhelming sense of dread. I am really struggling too. This baby feels like an intrusion in my life and I am panicking that I am going to hate my baby and become a bitter person.

After all this time waiting to finally be in a place where I can have a baby I am totally miserable and worry I have made a monumental miskate.

I have read it's the hormones. I have read it will pass. But what if it doesn't? What if I were mean to be childfree? I never expected to feel this way. But I am ashamed to say that I do.

I have no words of wisdom for you other than you're not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes it makes you feel better knowing you're not alone in your thoughts. Especially when these kind of topics aren't spoken about because women fear judgement from other people. I'm still not sure I am doing the right thing and frequently consider a termination. Which makes me feel like the rost kind of human ever.

XO

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I have anxiety and I recognise some of these thoughts/feelings. Having a baby is a huge change, and you're doing it alone - no wonder you're feeling anxious. Your feelings are valid and understandable.

But you don't need to suffer like this. Please speak to someone, your GP, or does your maternity hospital have a maternal mental health team? They won't judge you, but hopefully you'll be able to get some help with how you're feeling.

Oh sweet :( I feel for you. I think this happens to a lot of women but because it’s so shocking to the mother (and the risk of judgment) it’s never spoken about. This is a worry for me too if I do get pregnant because I have an anxiety disorder that puts thoughts like this in my mind. Would you consider having an early scan? That way you can see what is scaring you so much and have time to let it sink in, should you not want to continue? Sometimes it’s just putting a visual on what’s causing the anxiety can make you feel clearer. And maybe speak to your GP? I hope you feel better soon xxx

@Sox80 That it is a relief to hear someone else feels the same, thank you so much for sharing! But what do we do now???! A friend reminded me tonight to try to just sit with the feelings, allow them, hating ourselves for having these feelings doesn't help... accepting them might help. I can see this could be more calming... but my hesitation is that if I am going to terminate this pregnancy (I can't believe I'm even saying that), then I need to do it soon - that sends me back in to panic... Anyway, if I find any wisdom I will let you know.. Sending lots of love xx

Thanks for the other messages too - I will look in to counselling...

Don't be too hard on yourself! Don't we all have some kind of regret with making big decisions - no matter how sure you were? And this is a really big decision. So it is normal to start panicking about whether this is right or wrong. Particularly doing it on your own! But it does sound like you would find having a good talk to someone about it, you gotta get lots of support for these big things in life x

@Tur I think what you are experiencing is completely normal. I planned and planned my pregnancy and I got pregnant in March 2021. As soon as it happened I was terrified. Crying, constantly stressed, wanted to miscarry etc. In the end I told my parents the news and they were thrilled. As the weeks went on I started to feel better about it. Even booked an early scan. We were then told we had lost the baby (missed miscarriage) and my world fell apart. I realised how much I wanted it. I've had 4 miscarriages since then... Currently pregnant with baby number 5 and things seem to be going well. However I still had that feeling of crap what have I done. The doubt etc. Talk to someone xx

@Tur , as a PP said, this is actually quite common - even for women who have longed for a child, planned a pregnancy and hoped everything would work out. It's just that because the woman thinks it's a hugely shameful thing she's thinking and feeling, it's not often spoken about publicly.

Pregnancy hormones fuck with your head, and don't ever underestimate how much they can influence your thoughts and actions! Pretty much everything is changing in your body including your brain so it's no wonder that, sometimes, people feel adversely to hope they hoped and expected to feel.

Even the most longed-for pregnancies which at times have taken years of planning and trying can leave a person thinking "I've messed my life up - what the hell have I done?!" and I genuinely believe it's pregnancy hormones and these physical changes which trigger these feelings of pure panic and confusion.

Just because it's 'natural' for a pregnant women to be utterly thrilled with her news when it is planned and wanted, it doesn't mean it's unnatural to feel the opposite. You haven't CHOSEN to feel like this. Your response to finding out you're pregnant feels out of your control at the moment.

As it happens I've been in a similar situation in the past, a long time ago. Not through self-insemination, but that's not all that relevant at the moment.

I advise you take matters into your own hands by taking a proactive approach and considering doing the following:

1. Make two lists. One list of reasons why you wanted to become a mum so badly that you decided to go it alone. Write down all the reasons why you believe you could be a good mother and do not put ANYTHING critical on this list. On the second list, list your fears and all the reasons why you're worried, scared, freaking out etc. You can be as critical as you like here. Then, when you're ready, look at both lists and see which resonates more. Even if the list of negatives seems to resonate more at this stage, it doesn't mean you shouldn't go ahead with this pregnancy. Tuck the lists away for later.

1. You don't state your age I don't think, but consider depending on your age roughly how much time in your future you may have left to potentially conceive again. If you have many many years ahead of you (and of course there are no guarantees with fertility at any age), ask yourself how you might feel if you end this pregnancy and never have another chance to be a mother. How would you feel if you DO have another chance later in life?

1. It'll hurt like hell, but you could look at photos of newborn babies to 'test' your brain's response. I know you said when you hear a baby cry it evokes a panic response - this is completely understandable, but you could try to gradually expose yourself to images of babies to guide your brain a little and see if it slowly starts to change your thought process over a period of time.

1. If you can, book at least one counselling session. You need to look at all your options even though they may seem obvious. A counsellor can help guide you through these thoughts and feelings and help you work out what you want long-term.

1. Book a termination for some time in the future. Honestly. It allows you time to think this through and gives you plenty of time to cancel the appointment if you decide to proceed with the pregnancy. 7 weeks is still very early days and you DON'T have to make a decision right now. Having that 'safety net' of having a termination appointment set can offer your racing mind a little comfort and a rock to cling to in a stormy sea of emotions. Like I said, you'll have plenty of time to cancel the appointment so you don't need to worry RIGHT NOW whether you'll actually attend that appointment and go ahead with the procedure. It may well calm you to know you've taken some control and have things in order IF you want them a little later down the line.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Somehow this will all work out. You didn't choose to feel this way so don't beat yourself up for not being flooded with airy, loving maternal feelings. They may come, they may not, but taking some control of the situation will give you some power over these overwhelming feelings.

Good luck!

I felt the same when I read your post. I think your friend is right. We need to sit with them for a while to try and figure this out. I'm trying to understand the route cause to my feelings and all I can think about is that it's fear. I'm not very good with change. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I've also suffered with mental health problems in the past, but am glad to say I have worked through and am now out the other side. My mum had a hard time being a parent and I think she resented me sometimes. I don't remember her enjoying it all that much. All I can think of is that I might be worried about history repeating itself. I think my past experiences have left a mark and that's why I'm scared. So I'm just going to try and work through it and remind myself why I did it in the first place. And that I am completely out of my comfort zone.
Maybe make a list of why you're so worried and what it actually is that is causing you to feel this way. What is your worst fear about being Mum?
Hope you figure this out soon lovely. Sending lots of love back xoxo

Tried for dc for 6 years, fell pregnant, then fell down a hole. Cried and cried, could not articulate or understand how scared and sad I felt. It all suddenly was so real and I had sat uncomfortably but safely in my trying bubble. I did sit with the feelings and accepted them and they eased in the end. Ds is now 15 and fab, I love him so much.

Thank you for taking the time to write all this! I find to do lists useful - so this is perfect to help me navigate the mess, thankyou! It all seems to make sense what you say, but could you just let know where this comes from - have you had experience of this or are you a professional counsellor or this is just what came to mind? xx

@Squiff70 that was for you!

Thanks everyone else... its strange, it is some relief to hear people felt the same but the feelings changed and they wanted their pregnancy... but then I find it really hard to imagine these strong feelings changing, and wonder if they won't change for me, I mean we are all different...

You're welcome. As I said, I had a similar experience in my mid-twenties. Although my circumstances were quite different from yours, a lot of the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing now are very familiar to me and I used one or two of the ideas I put in that list for you. The rest were ideas of what I might do now if I was in a very similar situation to yourself.

You'll find a way through this. Be kind to yourself.

I recently has a similar experience and aborted the baby. I have adhd too and over thought the whole thing way too much. I now regret it and feel like I want a baby again but scared I'll feel the same. Did it get easier for you? What did you do in the end?

I went ahead with the pregnancy and I'm so incredibly glad I did. I was scared. The realisation of having a baby was too much and I was scared that I was going to be a terrible mum and that I was going to have a challenging baby that I couldn't cope with or bond with.

And it all couldn't be further from the truth. A few weeks after I posted on here, something clicked in place and the fear diminished.

The moment my daughter was born, the capacity for love was immense. I couldn't imagine life without her. I love being a mum. I'm even thinking of having another one soon.

I can only speak from my experience but it has been the best life changing experience I've had. Sometimes you've just got to take a leap of faith.

Normal! Even when planned it's a huge life change. I'm 29 weeks. For a solid week after positive test I panicked wondering what I had done (previously told wouldn't be able to conceive naturally so was a shock too). Nausea hit at 6 weeks, I didn't have HG as I could keep liquid down but it was severe enough I lost over a stone and had only just reached my prepregnancy weight at my 28 week midwife appointment. 2 days into the nausea I was swearing I was never doing it again.

I had a lot of early complications of bleeding and pain shortly after and I was a nervous wreck, simultaneously terrified of the pregnancy, wanting the feeling so horrendous to stop but also terrified of losing the baby or there being something wrong! There were lots and lots of tears, lots of DH trying to reassure me. 12 week scan came and I thought would help me relax but it didn't. Didn't start telling most family and friends until 16 weeks. Had 20 week scan etc, realised at 27 weeks I needed to get a move on planning as complications meant I may need to be in hospital from quite early. I sobbed for hours when we ordered the pram, car seat and crib, convinced I'd jinxed it and I'd wake up next morning in a pool of blood.

It's tough, and even now I sometimes think wtf have I done, I have a crisis of confidence about my ability to be a mum, but I'm also terrified of my baby not being ok and the rational part of my brain is like 'hey idiot, you love this baby already, why else do you think you're so upset and worried about the prospect of them not being OK!'

Be kind to yourself, you'll get there x