fed up with doing it all

[beforesunrise]

i am so fed up with it all. i am 22 weeks pregnant, normal pregnancy as they go (save the back pain whcih is apparently pgp), just the usual crappy feeling. i have a 23 month old dd, who is gorgeous but really full of energy and hates sleep, so keeps waking up loads at night. i am working in theory 4 days a week, in practice every evening after dd goes to bed (late) and every weekend, and my job is megastressful. i have no family nearby. dh is a lovely man and a great dad, but he just doesn't get it.

i am at the end of my tether, so tired and stressed 24/7 i want to punch someone.... i never, ever, ever get a minute to myself, even when i go to the loo i bring my blackberry with me to squeeze in a bit of extra work. when pg with dd i did antenatal yoga which was brilliant, but nanny said she can't stay longer than 6 and dh can't be home before 7, so that rules it out. there's lots of work we need to do to get our flat ready for no 2, and i need to plan dd's birthday party, and i have to do the food shopping (inernet, but still), and generally think about all our organisational stuff like admin, paperwork, dd's clothes and shoes, holidays etc. i feel my head will explode. i wish for ONCE dh showed some initiative and did something unasked. fat chance.

i am ugly, unfit, i long to just have a day to myself and a good night sleep, uninterrupted. i have come to hate most other mums because they all seem to be better organised and more together than me, not to mention they have better skin, better hair, better eyebrows.

i love my family dearly, and i am passionate about my job. i want to take it a bit easier, but i don't know where to start.

while i am rambling i should also say that i am still really pi**ed off at dh's christmas present (a photo frame...), he earns 3 x as much as me and although i know he is a busy man it doesn't take long to pick up the phone and book me into a spa for half a day. which is what i long to do. but i can't afford it.

i should probably stop it here otherwise i am going to start rambling about every single aspect of my life and everyone will write me off as a loony....

the point of this post? i don't know. i really wish i was one of those delicate flowers who can't do anything while pregnant, and get people to do everything for them... rather than trying to do it all, all the time, without making a fuss of anything. yesterday it took me 2 hours to get home (standing the whole wway in packed tubes) and i still had to put dd to bed. then had a fight with dh because i was too grumpy....

i should add, for the sake of completeness, that last night i had a lovely erotic dream... about a colleague of mine. not to mention the fact that i will never be able to look him in the eye again, i feel really guilty that it has been cheering me up all day

good things happen to me, i suppose

You do sound like you have a lot on your plate. For me, this preg (and I have a 3yo ds and worked too) has been set against the backdrop of "OMG, how am I going to manage all this with two??!" which has left me anxious throughout.

You really, really have to take something off your plate. Taking your blackberry to the toilet is very interesting as it suggests you find it really difficult to give yourself permission to stop. No amount of ante-natal yoga is going to sort that one out.

It's also sad to hear you compare yourself to other mums, in a negative way too. You sound extremely capable so I'm sure it's just your negative head that is telling you the crap stuff. You could be a bit depressed - is there anyone you could talk to?

Why oh why is your husband not pulling his weight? does he intend to continue like this when you've had the baby?

I don't quite understand this. Are you saying that you are going out to work 4 days a week plus working after your dd gone to bed plus weekends?
Does the nanny only work 4 days?

Buy yourself some earplugs and tell the useless git that he's on toddler duty tonight and your not moving till the morning !

Hi BS, wow, I don't know how you are managing, especially being 22 weeks pregnant (so am I!).
Firstly, is there any way you can sort out your dd's sleep? Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing and usually impacts on the whole day. I say this because my dd2 was awful at sleeping and I ended up seeking the help of Milpool (I think it was called) which is a sleep clinic. It was about £100 which sounds a lot but believe me I would have paid so much more to get a good night's sleep. It worked within a matter of weeks. She was younger but only woke once, which was about right for her age, instead of every hour (I kid you not). I felt so much more human just for getting decent sleep and at the weekends my partner had the night time feed job. Does yours get up in the night or just you? If it is only you it is time to have a talk and point out how much this impairing your life.
Another idea is how about getting a childminder for, say, 2 hours on your day off so you can organise to do the things that you need to do, this may be organising dd's b'day party, doing a supermarket shop, running to the hairdressers or simply sitting in a coffee shop with a hot cup of something. When mine was just under 2 I started a childminder for 2 hours a week, it doesn't sound much but it really helped keep me sane. I would suggest that dh pays for this in the interest of your sanity!! He must realise something is up and maybe if you sit down with him and have some ways to tackle the problems too it may all be a huge relief to him to be able to help you without coming up with suggestions himself.
I so sympathise with you and remember having a similar thread to you years ago with my first and everyone pointed out I needed some 'me time', it hadn't even occured to me! Hope you find your 'me time'.

I am sure that men have no idea how draining it is being pg. They think because you dont look 'ill' you are exactly the same but just with a bigger tummy!
I am 35 weeks pg with no 2 at the mo and my DS is 27 months and VERY energetic. This week my DH has worked late every night and today when I have been feeling terribly tired and sick and achy (DS not sleeping too good either), DH has said he is going out after work, staying at a friends house and then going shopping tomorrow for new work clothes (we cant go with him cos he cant shop with company apparantly!!). He told me this when he left this morning and didnt think anything of it. I told him very firmly that as I am ill and pregnant, if I need him home tonight I will call him and I will expect him to come home! I also booked DS in for half a day at his nursery (he doesnt normally go today) this afternoon and told DH he is paying for it so that I could sleep for a couple of hours and feel a bit better before doing bedtime etc all on my own and the night time and tomorrow all day just me and DS!
Tell your other half that you are struggling, explain where you need help and what you'd like him to do. If you say it clearly then chances are he will step up and it will make a big difference. It would be wonderful if men used their initiative and did these things without having to be asked, but ime they never do, so ask!!!
Am a bit at your DH earning so much more than you though and not seeming to share it out equally! In my opinion, in a partnership (especially where you have kids), the money earnt is family money and if you desperately want and need a spa treatment and cant afford it, but he is rolling in the cash and wont share it around a bit then he is taking the p*ss!! What does he spend all his disposable income on if he is not sharing it with the family??

I think with some (most?) men, you have to kind of hit them over the head with it and just be very direct. My dh is absolutely fantastic, but I still need to look him in the eye and say, "I need you to do this at this time" and so on. It isn't lack of willingness, just general lack of awareness. Your dh prob thought that the photo frame was a great gift that you would really enjoy and had no idea that you were hankering after a spa day. Tell him you would really like one, and could it be next weekend, and could he look after your/his child for the day while you do that. Then book in a regular day / night when he will do childcare while you have time to yourself (and then discipline yourself to spend some of that time on you, not work!).

i think i have portrayed my dh a bit unfairly, he honestly does try to pull his weight, but dd is going through a massive mummy phase and only wants me all the time- probably because i am not around much (guilt trip...). he is also helping me lots by looking after dd at the weekend when i have to work (i know, this sounds crazy, it is, but i don't know what to do about it) so i think it is unfair to ask him to do a lot more than he does- he is also sleep deprived and he also has a stressful job and no time for himself, and it doesn' really help us if we both have to share a stressful job and childcare.

we took the decision that i was going to work less, earn less and take care of dd- it worked really well for a while until things at work kind of got crazy for me. so i still earn less, but i work a lot more.

it's bad luck that it's happened when i am pregant.

i suppose i rant at my dh because there's no one else who could help; but i don't feel resentful towards him, i think jennifersofia is right, it's lack of awareness more than anything else.

i could rant at my boss too- but he is working his butt off too, so it's raelly not his fault that things are the way they are. and i suppose i could raise my hand and say that it's too much for me and i want to quit- but i worked so hard to get where i am, and i would feel really bad quitting now..

anyway, i wanted to thank you for your messages, please don't think me too mcuh of a loony- just having a bad night...