Financially worried about another child

[LemingtonPolly]

I have one DS who is nearly 2 and have always said I don't want another child due to the bad experience I had with my son in the newborn stage.

DH is open to having another but is fine not to actively try either.

I always imagined myself with 2 children however I am so concerned that financially we would struggle to have another child.

My husband works full time and I went part time after my son was born. We both have well paid jobs, our own house, car etc however I always feel like we are just 'making it by' every month.

We have debit and my parents help us A LOT!

They practically bought all my sons large baby items for us as a gift such as pram, car seat, nursery furniture etc.
I gave all my sons newborn things away as I was sure we wouldn't be having another.

If we were to have a second id be starting all over again.

Our house is big enough but not ideally set up for 2. We would probably need to extend.

And lastly, I struggle with my DS just now and think I still have lingering PND.

I know there's no right or wrong answer here but do I not have another and be the best mum to my son and be 'ok' financially.

Or will I regret not having another?

My husband always says we would be fine and we would make it work but I think I'm just more realistic.

It's a no from me.

Enjoy what you've got.
Enjoy your son.

I wouldn’t have one just now if my parents were already having to help us financially. I would try and sort the money problems and revisit the decision in a few years. If you both earn well, then it can be sorted.

I also think if you feel your PND is still impacting you and you struggle with ds, adding another in could make it worse.

again, does it need to be now or never? Maybe now just isn’t the right time for you.

We both have well paid jobs

Where is the money going? What are the debts?

It's hard to understand why 2 adults with well-paid jobs require so much assistance from parents - regardless of having a second DC, you need to prioritise sorting this.

And yes, unfortunately, you are not in a position to have a baby at the moment.

@EarringsandLipstick

Money is going on mortgage, car, food, council tax, bill and paying off previous debt.

@Andromachehadabadday

I think in a few years we would be too old and I wouldn't want to start over again. We said ideally we would like children close in age if we were going to have another.

I totally agree though. My parents help us a lot and I also dont think it's fair to ask them to look after another child either when I'm at work.

its not feasible to have another child in your current circumstances. Presumably you would need your parents to buy all the big items again? Would they be happy to provide childcare for 2?

@GrazingSheep

Yes most likely! Don't get me wrong we never asked them to buy for my son either. They offered as a gift. We also don't ask them to help us. They offer.

My parents are religious so as much as they are happy with my DS and would love him to be the only one to spoil they would of course look after another.
They are almost 70 though so I don't think it's fair to ask them to look after 2

I don't think I would in your circumstances, but I'm not you - only you can really decide. Maybe talk it through with a close friend or even a counsellor. You need to look deep and work out how important it is to you.

I think you need to separate the financial from the other stuff; it’s probably fairly simple to work out if you can afford it if you and your DH sat down to work it out but your other worries are clouding that.
I suspect now might not be the right time; you could perhaps put a deadline on deciding within the next 2 years then if you don’t feel ready in that time put your focus into being happy with that decision

Well that's most people isn't it? And most people don't rely on their parents A LOT.

I'm not being snarky; I just mean that to me, the first step is to address your unsustainable financial situation. You need to work out a plan to address debt and rely less on your parents.

Then you can see whether financially you feel another DC is possible.

For example, working full time may be an option for you - but I understand if PND sill an issue, maybe not.

Either way, you need to address finances sharp-ish. You must have a lot of debt not to be able to manage on 2 salaries & 1 DC, and parental support.

On the one hand, your DH is probably right, OP. If you did go ahead you probably would find a way to make it work. That's what people do! But, whether that would make you happy (and your relationship/health/finances would weather it well) is another matter altogether...

If you're in a precarious financial situation and you're not confident about your mental health and relationship with DS, I'd shelve the idea for right now. Just decide between you whether, if all circumstances were ideal, you would like a second child. Then, if the answer is honestly yes (because your family feels incomplete, because you both truly want it and you want it for your DS, not just because we're 'supposed' to have two), set yourselves a manageable deadline for working through financial issues, and getting stable in preparation. You may well feel a lot stronger and more able to cope financially and mentally when your DS hits primary school, so timing a pregnancy (as best as anyone can) to suit that schedule might be a better option. 4-5 years is a fine gap, I think. My little nephews are 14 months and 5 years 8 months and they're best of friends! It's very sweet. How old are you? Unless you're 37 or over right now, I'd say not to give in to that particular age pressure and to wait a few years.

@LemingtonPolly just some thoughts on your situation. I would have loved a 3rd baby a year ago. But hubby was not on board. Now my 2 are the best of friends and I'm sure a 3rd would have upset everything so I'm glad now he stuck to his guns. My mam minded my kids for us when they were small (they are now 6 and almost 9). She would have been 70 this time around so was not going to undertake that again. So it would be a hard ask for your parents I'm sure. I know you only have one but if you wanted to you would make it work but it would require planning before you fully decided.

In relation to your financial situation my parents have helped us pay off a lot of debt in recent years. But its long term debt (our mortgage and home improvement loans) We both work full time and are well able to pay our day to day bills. If you are relying on your parents for day to day things you need to sit down and work out where you can make savings. A second child will only add to the financial stress your under. My 2 do a lot of after school activities and would cost us around 80e per week for these. Clothes, camps during the summer, etc...kids cost a good bit so it's definitely something to think about!