Hi all, this is my first thread - just joined the group today.
I'm finding myself to be in a slightly difficult predicament which isn't helping any of my hormones and mood swings recently.
To start off, I am a single 22 year old Law student who has found herself pregnant 2 weeks after the end of a 3 year long-distance on/off relationship, and my ex has no idea.
Me and my ex met in the winter of 2019. We hit it off right away, maybe we went a little too fast too soon, but nevertheless were very much happy together. In March 2019, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety as my family did not agree with a biracial relationship. (I am Middle Eastern, he is English). This put a strain on our relationship, and we eventually broke up at the end of April as he struggled to come to terms with the secrecy surrounded my end of the relationship, and my anxiety wouldn't allow for me to be happy with him. I was diagnosed with depression the day following our breakup upon a visit to the doctor. We remained friends, and eventually got back together less than a week later because I finally told my mom about our relationship. Things didn't get better with my family, one thing lead to another, and I was essentially escorted out of my family home by the police. My ex and his family took me in that summer and I lived with them. This put a strain on our relationship as we had only been together 4 months and I had no independence of my own. I had just moved to London and had no friends, no family, no job, nothing. Shortly after I moved out in September, we broke up again, as we struggled to find time to see each other, both being in uni. I reconciled with my family and moved back to Birmingham, and then 2 weeks later we got back together. My family kicked me out again(It got abusive) and I had to find emergency student accommodation. In November, we began fighting a lot again due to lack of reciprocation in respect of compromise. We had a 3-day ongoing fight, whereby I got hard blocked on everything. My mental health already being in the gutters at this point, I wanted to fix things, booked a coach, and went down that same night to 'fix'. This didn't work in my favour at all, and put his family off me completely. I went back home, completely depressed and gutted. I had no family. My friends had began distancing themselves from me after I moved to London. I worked a commissioned door-to-door sales based job from 10am - 10pm, and would lose more money than I was earning. I was living off Daim bars, because it was the only thing I managed to grab from my mother's house before getting kicked out. I overdosed on the 9th of November 2019. It was a chaotic day. In fact I don't remember much, but my ex seeing me after I was released from the hospital. We got back together and decided to keep the relationship a secret for a while because his family didn't think I was right for him anymore. December came, and his mom figured it out, kept saying negative things to him about me - in fact quite literally brainwashing him to breakup with me in January. Again, he blocked me on everything. I gave up and didn't try anymore. Exactly 7 days later, I woke up to multiple calls and messages begging me to pick up and speak with him. He sounded very regretful and was extremely worried. We made a plan and got back together. Everything was fine. We were extremely happy. He bought me a promise ring and a holiday to Italy for my birthday in March. Unfortunately, a week after my birthday, the world went into lockdown. Our relationship became strenuous, we lost the spark. We were both depressed and unhappy. Not with each other - within ourselves due to quarantine. We broke up on May 10th 2020. Again, hard blocked. I reached out to him once by creating a random instagram account during this time, as I had purchased him a graduation gift prior to the breakup and wanted to warn him. He threatened a restraining order and it got very bad. Didn't reach out to him again. June 6th I was admitted into hospital, due to a severe case of coronavirus which had somehow also given me a kidney infection. Word got around, and I received a call from him that night. We spoke for hours catching up. We was very apologetic, cried a bit, admitted to still being in love with me and we essentially decided to try again. Over that summer we were mostly fine - I seem to remember going on a break for a couple of days due to his mental health, but then we were fine. Around August/September, I couldn't take the secrecy anymore. We started fighting again, because I didn't like the fact that he was keeping me a secret from his family anymore. He didn't like being pressured into telling them as he feared their reaction. So we broke up. We met in person for closure, and decided to remain friends. Again, lasted less than a week and we got back together. I gave him until December to tell his family, otherwise I was done. Sure enough, he told his mom we were back in contact at the end of December, but his family weren't pleased with the news. In January, we went into another lockdown and I got very depressed and codependent. I wasn't dealing well with isolating. I wasn't dealing well with the long-distance. I am a social butterfly and thrive in social events. It took its toll on our relationship and I believe he was struggling with his mental health too at this time. We broke up at the beginning of February and I was blocked again. This time I was sure we were done. My flatmates helped me a lot, to get over the breakup. But 12 days later, he called me and said he wanted to break quarantine rules and come up to Birmingham to make it up to me. I told him it didn't guarantee us getting back together, but I was willing to listen. So he did. I heard him out. He did everything he said he would. He went public with us. Everybody knew we were back together. We were finally able to have the relationship we struggled with having. It took his family time to come around but eventually did. In september of 2021, I travelled alone to Turkey to have skin removal surgery(I lost 6 stone). I was alone for 3 weeks, with no support, no help, and this took a massive toll on me. I began feeling like a burden. I began feeling like I didn't belong with anyone. I felt like I was the only one there for myself. I didn't deal with my emotions right. From September up until now I have been struggling with this loneliness and depression. At the end of March, me and my ex got into the biggest fight we've ever had. We didn't break up, but I just couldn't deal with my depression anymore. I overdosed again. 10 hours after the overdose, he broke up with me and hard blocked me again.
A week after the overdose and break up, I found out I was pregnant. I am now 7 weeks pregnant, and he still has no idea. I don't even know how to reach out to him. I haven't been in contact with him for 31 days. I'm aiming for a no contact period of 45 days to give myself time to process the breakup and be in a better mental state before telling him. I have decided to keep the baby. I am receiving therapy every Friday. I have begun taking piano lessons and will soon begin driving lessons too. I am reconnecting with more friends. I am soon to finish my second year of uni. And I have a good job. I am finally doing something for me after losing myself for 3 years. But the hormones, the mood swings, the anxiety and guilt I feel for keeping this from him is getting too overwhelming. How do I even deal with a situation like this? How do I get in contact with him? How do I tell him? Do I reach out to a friend of his? Do I borrow a friend's phone? I no longer wish to pursue a relationship with him as too much damage has been done, for those of you who may think I am keeping it to keep him in my life. But it is getting to a point where he needs to know. Any advice anyone could offer? I am struggling a lot today.