Balancing work and baby/young child no family support

[Poppypip1]

How do people do it? I had my first very young, studied, and went to uni whilst he was young then got a job whilst he was in school, very lucky to have supportive Mum who helped me with childcare in the school holidays etc. Hes now an adult, but it wasn't easy working full time and looking after him on my own especially after my Mum died when he was 8. Fast forward to now. In a relationship for a few years, both work full time, my eldest has left home. We have no family around to help and we're expecting, my partner is super excited and just thinks everything will work out, and not worried.

However I just keep remembering how hard it was working and bringing up a child and I just don't know how we're going to manage! It's not financially viable for me to not work or go part time and my job I can't work term time or school hours.

it's really worrying me and keeping me up at night, pregnancy wasn't planned but was something we'd talked about for a while so taking it as a "meant to be moment"

How do people balance bringing up children, two working parents and no family to help with childcare?

please no snarky comments I'm struggling at the moment and coming here to reach out for help/advice

I was/am in the very same boat and have no specific advice, we just… did it! Childminder proved cheaper than nursery for us, money has been really tight but you just have to make it through until they turn 3 and you get 30 free hours (which you can stretch so it’s less per week over the whole year but still makes childcare cheaper). If you’re on low income you would be entitled to benefits, we’re not but survive.

You pay for childcare, or change jobs to something with more flexible hours. If it’s possible for you both to do compressed hours, then that becomes two four day working weeks. When it comes to school age, you do childcare swaps, take unpaid leave, use holiday clubs. It’s blinking expensive, I’m afraid…

Recognising my privilege in being able to afford it, but the main reason we've survived thus far with no family support is having a nanny. She'll look after the children when they're poorly so we've missed minimal work. Friends with children in nursery do struggle with the amount of days they have to keep them hope due to illness, sometimes seems to be two or three times most months. I think it gets better in one sense when they get older and their immune systems are a bit better, but then harder in a sense with all the holidays. So a good holiday club is fairly essential as well.

DH and I both work FT with no support. We have 2 DC.

It is hard but it’s doable. The most important things for me are, I think:

Be stupidly organised, batch cook, clothes laid out the night before, packed lunches etc… Try not to leave everything to the last minute.

Plan your leave very carefully around the school holidays, know when there are holiday clubs available. Mainly take leave independently to minimise additional childcare costs.

Childminders are usually way cheaper than nurseries and you can pay by the hour (by me anyway).

Accept that your house won’t necessarily be as clean and tidy as your pt and SAHP friends. This was a revelation for me as most of my friends live in show homes! Get a cleaner if you can afford it (we can’t).

Once they’re in school make an effort with their friends parents. We have a fab group of friends now who all help out with taking to activities, after school when needed etc…

Most importantly, comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t compare yourself to others who have support or work pt or not at all. Don’t resent them for their ‘luck’ either.

It's really stressing me out, obviously I know we will cope and just get on with it, but because I'm low at the moment anyway I just keep thinking I'm stupid for getting myself into this situation.

Thank you for the info about childminder being cheaper than nursery we can certainly look into that. I know people say change jobs but I don't know any jobs that are so flexible that you can do all the school drop offs, pick ups and have school holidays off.

i know there's no perfect, or miracaks answer. Just interested to hear how other people manage it really

Nursery or childminder when they are small… then breakfast club, after-school club, holiday clubs and taking turns with my DH - sometimes you get lucky and find other school parents in the same position and then take turns for some insert days
we’re both work full time with no family around - honestly is easy (although expensive) while they are in nursery… once they reach primary school… you need to get super organised… its doable… you’ll also find other parents in the same boat and then if anything you get a massive amount of information on all the options - you’ll be fine, you seem to have a supportive partner - so you’re not alone, work it as a team, it’ll be fine

We have no family help, we’ve two DC, nursery full time for that youngest - breakfast and after school clubs for the school age child. Holiday clubs and annual leave during school holidays.
We both work full time, my DH has a 2nd job to help with out childcare costs.

Life is jugglying everything, house work cleaning cooking work nursery school etc.

Agree with PPs.
The tax-free childcare offer is good too, reduces your bill by 20%. At 3yo they get 15 or 30 hours funded which helps again.

Research schools to find ones with before/after school & holiday clubs too.

Yea partner is very supportive which is totally different from the first time around, thank you I need all this info of how others do it so I can work out what our options are.

Sorry I dont have any advice for you OP. This situation you describe is the final nail in the coffin of DH and I deciding we aren't going to have any kids. I'm not saying that to gloat, I'm saying it to confirm how bloody hard I think it looks without having family living nearby to help out.
There's not only the nursery and school runs each day, plus the expense of wraparound care, but also 13 weeks of holiday to cover.
Like others have said, you just 'make it work' I guess - and Ive never seen anyone NOT manage to do that - but 'making it work' often means the mum taking a massive downwards step in career, salary and financial autonomy.
It sucks - we need nurseries, schools and employers to be much more aligned with regards to their operating hours.

Thanks everyone, these replies are super helpful!

I have just one DD but a single parent since she was 3, always worked ft and my family live abroad. I used childcare vouchers to help with nursery costs ( tax free ) and DD had to be in nursery from 7.30am to 6.30pm so I could work. Once she started Primary School I used full wrap around care but also found a job closer to school as wraparound was only 8am to 6pm. I bought extra holiday at work as that was cheaper than holiday clubs but also had to still use holiday clubs as I could only buy a max of 10 extra days.I did get a UC top up which helped a lot.
When DD was ill I had to wfh as best I could and when I needed to go to assemblies etc my boss was very flexible and let me take it as my lunch hour or I caught up in the evenings.

We privileged enough that we have just coughed up for what I describe as ‘bullet proof’ childcare. We still pay as though DC are in full time care even though they’re both now at school and that means our childminder covers inset days and if they’re a bit unwell and need a day of Calpol and TV etc etc.

The cost is more than our mortgage and only covers term time.

But DH is a teacher so I also don’t fret about holidays (apart from where terms don’t match!) otherwise it would be even more expensive.

Yes to tax-free childcare - forgot about that! So helpful.

Same situation and not much advice. Just brace yourself for some few interesting years! It's incredibly difficult but doable at the same time.
We both work full time in demanding jobs, no family around. The little one has been going to nursery since I returned to work and, when he's not unwell, all is good.
My DH drives him to nursery in the morning and I pick him up after work. We both now work from home, with the occasional office days. This means we can manage basic housework and other stuff while he's at nursery (during our work breaks) and enjoy our time together in the evenings and weekends.
The real problem is when he's off sick..... We learned quickly that it's nearly impossible working from home with a baby/toddler. When it happens (often unfortunately) we take turns in looking after him while the other works. Or we take the odd day off if one of us really can't avoid work commitments.
Make sure to have everything planned for as much as an easy life as possible: cleaner if you can afford it, meal planning, regular supermarket deliveries, etc

I agree with PP that working from home can make a big difference!

Both me and DH work full time, I can do hybrid working where I work from home a few days a week. It makes such a big difference! I can do odd jobs at lunchtime/catch up on washing and it means we don’t have to pay for early drop off on those days. Sometimes I cook dinner at lunchtime to take the pressure off the evening.

Having a supportive partner I think is so important too. We split pick ups/drops off 50/50 and take it in turns to do sickness days too.

Thank you so much for all the replies really helpful to hear how everyone manages and different things you do. Will show my partner this thread and have a chat with him.