I feel like I am drowning

[AskingFoHope]

Not sure what I’m posting for really..comfort, a reality check, some harsh words. I’m not sure. I’m a mess.

I’m mid 30s and been with my partner a couple of years. Im pregnant and since I’ve known for the last few weeks, my emotions have been haywire. I’ve had dreams of leaving my baby in urine for days and not doing anything about it. I’ve thought about leaving DP and moving back to the place I grew up in even though I barely know anyone there anymore. My parents are there but that’s it, siblings left and so have friends. I have my own home close to family that I rent out and I’ve begged DP to go back there…he won’t and says our life is here and our jobs are here. I can work from home so it’s easier for me but for him it would mean back to the drawing board work wise as he’s in a competitive industry.

Everywhere we look at to rent seems awful and unfamiliar. I keep thinking about termination but I’m 9 weeks now and don’t think I can go through with it. I’ve also always wanted a baby and whilst this was a surprise DP is slowly being more supportive and practical, at first he just seemed scared and sort of froze. As he’s becoming more proactive I’ve become more terrified. I feel like this isn’t how it was supposed to be. We are supposed to be settled in a nice home that’s ours. We are supposed to be near friends and family. I want the baby to grow up somewhere stable and everything feels unstable at the moment. Not financially just in other aspects. I don’t even know where we are going to live.

I’m also wondering what I was thinking as DP works basically 7am - 7pm. I am going to have no help. I do have friends nearby but no family. I don’t know this city well enough. I feel so depressed and sad and worried. I am starting to feel guilty that this baby is having the worst start in life and it’s all because of me and this happening at the wrong time.

im also worried about the relationship because if I can’t bear being here we will inevitably break up eventually and will that mean I only have one child? Then I wonder should I terminate and start again but I’m already 34. I just don’t know what to do anymore I am so sad.

I hear you. It can be overwhelming. But you are on the path to being a parent now. You need to knuckle down and solve your problems before the baby is born. Take active steps to fix whatever issues you have. There's no law that says you must own the property you bring your baby home from the hospital to. There's no law that says you must be surrounded by friends and family when the baby is born. You have made these things up, probably on the basis of what you know best. You're 34, you've made choices in your life that have lead you to where you are now (which is a rented property far from your family and friends), and now you have to make the best of them FOR THE CHILD that you're bringing into the world.

Termination isn't an option to be thrown about willy nilly, especially not by me as I've never had one. But again, there's no law that says you can't have one.

Take a moment. Calm your emotions. Think with your head and try to sift out what's hormonal, what's emotion, and what's intellectual. Make lists. Work through them, go at them. Find solutions, make compromises. Work as a team with your partner. Take control of your situation, don't let it take control of yourself.

You can do it. Things are not as bleak as they may appear. There's joy in there somewhere as it sounds like you do actually want this baby.

I sounds like a good time to speak to your GP as if your feelings (e.g. about whether or not you want the baby) are not what you expected then pre-natal depression could be a thing. I'm no medical expert but some of the thoughts you've expressed sound familiar and there is an element of "catastrophising" there (imagining the worst and basically setting that as your baseline) which is indicative of anticipatory anxiety.

I had pre-natal depression. This sounds similar. Speak to your midwife/doctor. They can help you.

Pregnancy hormones can be wild so take a minute to breathe, its all alot to take in.

I had several moments during early pregnancy where I panicked. I knew having a baby meant leaving my job (I've worked nights at my job for 9 years but my shifts overlapped my partners so it wouldn't work for us) that meant I would worry about money, paying bills & having to start a new job after my maternity ends. My partner works long hours and we have no family available to help so it was also hard knowing I would be doing most things alone with no help

My boy is 8 months now and to be honest as soon as he turned up it just felt like nothing else really mattered, you just kind of make it work and things just falls into place

As long as baby is loved and cared for they will not have a 'bad start in life', it sounds like they will two loving parents, both financially stable with a roof over their head, it's already more than some have

You say you dont have lots of family & friends around you there (i also dont and things have been ok for me), could you look into mum & baby groups? They are so nice for meeting other mums. Also maybe look into nursery if you can afford it, even if its just a couple of mornings a week, they have baby rooms so baby can go and interact with others in a safe place and it will give you some time to yourself to do things that you need to do

I understand OP. My first pregnancy wasn't even technically a surprise as we were trying, but it absolutely floored me to see that second line on a pregnancy test as I'd taken a couple of tests prior and both were negative. It ended in an early MC for me, but for the couple of days I thought it was happening I spent the whole time in tears and feeling utter dread.

Ultimately I can't know whether I would have come round eventually as I didn't have the chance, but during the time I was stressing the only thing that truly helped me feel better was being honest with my DP about how I felt and talking realistically about my worries, and getting his take on it. He reassured me about what he'd be able to do, and how we'd manage and stay together, and I really did come away from that restaurant (which took place in a restaurant with me in floods of tears) feeling better.

I don't think you should necessarily assume anything is wrong with you, sometimes it's just such a huge shock and very difficult to get your head around. It's OK not to be thrilled, it's a huge thing to comprehend.

OP forgive me if I'm wrong, but did you post about this on Friday? I read a thread which was very similar then, and was full of wonderful advice and support.

Hi @LolaJ87 no I’m new to mumsnet and signed up just for this in sheer panic!

thabks for all the help. My main worry is that we don’t actually have anywhere to live and that’s absolutely making me feel like I’m having a meltdown. I’ve always been quite sensible and risk averse so this situation has floored me. I am constantly panicking and I am increasingly feeling frustrated with DP.

You say that you are looking for somewhere to live but everything looks awful and unfamiliar, so where are you living at the moment? Would it not be possible to have the baby where you live now?
You also say you thought that you would have a baby near friends and family but you say there’s just your parents left in your home town as your friends and siblings have left, so that couldn’t happen.
Try to look at the positives, you have friends in the city where you live, one or some of them might be supportive when the baby arrives. I had no help from any family when I had mine, I had one lovely friend though who helped me out now and then.
And, your baby won’t have an awful start, they will have their Mum and Dad to love them and do you know, it’s not all as hard as you’re imagining.
At the end of the day, all a baby really needs is to be loved, to be fed and to be warm.
You’ll be fine Op!

Just seen your update, that you have nowhere to live, does that mean you are in a house share?
Your main worry seems to be somewhere to live but as I asked before, we here are you living now, and why do you think you can’t have a baby there?