Please tell me i havent hurt my baby

[user1484644662]

Im 18.5 weeks pregnant and feel like such an idiot. My partner keeps going back to drugs despite trying to stop, empty promises, its heartbreaking. Yesterday i lost it. Like, full on, out of control, lost my stuff. Screaming, shouting, worse. Going on for the whole evening to the early hours. Im really not proud of myself at all but ive had enough. Today i was exhausted. The morning started bad again, but I went to work which was good as it took my mind off things. Since ive come home im just avoiding him. Im in bed resting and hes making me something healthy to eat. Yesterday i threw up everything i ate.

Im so so so worried ive messed everything up. We tried so Hard for this baby and I feel like ive taken advantage. I lost two before this and we are still struggling from the losses. I know how lucky i am to have made it this far. Can someone reassure me? Tell me what to do? Im open to all advice but please be gentle with me as im very fragile right now. Please help 😪

Some of the comments here have only made me feel much worse to be honest. Im not saying weed is okay, not at all, thats WHY we are having so many problems. The addiction really after the babies were lost and this pregnancy was accidental, straight after an ectopic. Im already pretty traumatised by my own situation which is why i posted. Theres been some really judgemental and unnecessary comments from people who havent got the slightest clue what ive been through. I was up Last night as im in anxiety for various reasons and reading through all these just made me feel so much more low. I just thought its good im not really on edge or suicidal. Stuff like this could be the final straw for someone.

Think before you speak. Ask yourself if its helpful. And if not, keep it to yourself.

Some of the comments here have only made me feel much worse to be honest. Im not saying weed is okay, not at all, thats WHY we are having so many problems. The addiction really after the babies were lost and this pregnancy was accidental, straight after an ectopic. Im already pretty traumatised by my own situation which is why i posted. Theres been some really judgemental and unnecessary comments from people who havent got the slightest clue what ive been through. I was up Last night as im in anxiety for various reasons and reading through all these just made me feel so much more low. I just thought its good im not really on edge or suicidal. Stuff like this could be the final straw for someone.

Think before you speak. Ask yourself if its helpful. And if not, keep it to yourself.

Some of the comments here have only made me feel much worse to be honest. Im not saying weed is okay, not at all, thats WHY we are having so many problems. Not that I should have to explain, but the addiction really came in after the babies were lost and I didnt know he was smoking until after i got pregnant this time. Since last August ive had a missed miscarriage and an ectopic. Im already pretty traumatised by my own situation which is why i posted.

Theres been some really judgemental and unnecessary comments from people who havent got the slightest clue what ive been through. I was up last night as im in anxiety for various reasons and reading through all these just made me feel so much more low. I just thought its good im not really on edge or suicidal. Stuff like this could be the final straw for someone.

Think before you speak. Ask yourself if its helpful. And if not, keep it to yourself.

We are frustrated because we’ve seen this a million times. Women getting pregnant, in your case repeatedly, with useless men, who have shown you who they are but you bury your head in the sand and bring a child into an unstable set-up. It’s not fair.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. You haven't done your baby any harm but your partner has the potential to do so.

If he can't get his act together and stop spending family money on drugs now then it's unlikely he ever will, sadly. It's much easier for you to end this relationship now than after the baby has arrived.

This!

This. You'll be back in a year wondering why he doesn't help with the baby and spends all his money on weed. Do not give the baby his name, or put him on the birth certificate.

OP, if strangers’ opinions of the man you chose to have a child with are causing you so much stress, then maybe it’s not the opinions that are bothering you, maybe it’s having to face reality?

You’re choosing to bring a baby into a volatile situation with someone who prioritises drugs over relationships.

Crying that everyone is mean to you might make you feel better, but you surely have to know that you’ve made some very shitty decisions here?

I rarely post, but I just wanted to say that the responses to this thread have made me really sad and the closed-minded attitude of a community of women who are supposed to be supportive has really shocked me - so I’m not surprised the original poster has felt upset by the responses.

Obviously I agree that a partner who smokes loads of weed is not a great situation to bring a baby into, and the poster clearly feels this way too since that was the source of the whole argument.

However, I don’t think smoking weed necessarily makes him a ‘druggie’, a ‘junkie’, a complete waste of space, or any of the other completely offensive names that posters have decided they’re entitled to place on someone they don’t know. Yes, he’s chosen an inappropriate way to try and cope with their previous loses; but these sorts of mistakes are human, unfortunately. Plenty of other men (and women!) turn to alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, and all sorts of other legal but equally damaging coping strategies that we don’t judge nearly so harshly as a society…. And plenty just spend ‘family money’ on these habits as part of regular life and, again, don’t get judged in the same way. It’s not quite the horrifically shocking and terribly damaging situation that everyone is making it out to be - unfortunately it’s pretty normal!

I agree that before the baby arrives this needs to change and it sounds like he needs some support to deal with his issues in a more healthy way, but harsh judgement isn’t going to help anyone, especially when that change is already what the poster is trying to achieve.

Ultimately, I think the poster is doing the right thing to be facing the issue head on and demanding a change before the baby comes, and all she wanted was reassurance that the stress caused from arguing won’t have caused any damage to the baby!

Keep communicating with each other, get some support in place for both of you so that you can deal with the grief of previous losses in a healthy way, and I hope he can sort himself out so you can look forward to the arrival of your baby as a family. If he can’t do that and he needs more intensive support, I hope you can get some support for you and baby and you can take a step back for the sake of you both, if need be. Either way, take care.

Great response, exactly what I was thinking - word for word.

@hannknitted good response, putting it into perspective there.

@hannknitted you're right, of course. But unfortunately the OP started with this:

My partner keeps going back to drugs despite trying to stop, empty promises, its heartbreaking.

And because so few people bother to read beyond the OP of a thread, the assumption has clearly been that she meant more serious drugs than weed - with the implication that he is an addict.