How long should a first time Dad ideally take off work when the baby is born?

[BHCU1343]

How long should a first time Dad ideally take off work when the baby is born?

Three days as just started new job so no entitlement to paternity leave and had used accrued leave on holiday a couple of months earlier (change of job unplanned but had to leave previous one)

A few days when I came out of hospital then had a month off (2weeks paternity and 2 weeks holiday) when she was about 5 months. Meant we could do more out and about as a family. Did the same with our second.

I had loads of family and friends visiting and helping for the first month or so so didn't 'need' my DH to be there.

Mine was off 4 days with my first, which was a complicated long labour and birth -ventous and episiotomy. 3 days with my second, natural birth, no complications - was home in 6hrs. Day 1 - 10 hours after he was born, I made lunch for my in laws whilst they cuddled baby. I was doing the school run with baby on day 4 (was only a 10 min walk). Thankfully my mum helped a lot.

DH took just over a month, in an ideal world he’d have had 6 weeks but the month was good. He used annual leave and paternity leave.

I think it will depend on what other support you have and what type of delivery.

DH had 2 weeks with DS1 and one week with DS2 but l had easy labour's.

How does that work when paternity leave is a statutory right? What do any pregnant women do in his industry?

My partner is self-employed so there's a lot of flex but it's all dependent on how broke we're feeling! We've got 2 weeks in our heads but I guess we'll play it by ear. He's just about to finish a long, pretty intense job for a client and doesn't have anything else lined up before baby is due on 3rd July. I'm hoping he'll have work throughout most of May & June so he won't feel he has to take work in July. We don't have family nearby, but his mum has very kindly offered to come and visit for a bit. I love her but I'm also quite private and conscious of how much I need my space when I'm feeling shit/tired etc., so I think I'd prefer it to be just us until we get the hang of things a bit.

A month or even two together would be nice. His help and support aside, I love hanging out with him! 😊

My DH plans to take three weeks holiday when the baby is born.

He is also very lucky and gets 6 months paid leave even as a secondary caregiver but won't be taking that until baby is 5 months. Great that his company is giving men the opportunity to have family time with baby and take an equal caring role from the beginning.

We were lucky enough to live abroad for DC 2 and 3 and DH was able to take 4/5 months off each time which was brilliant honestly. It really helped him be involved and ease into things. DS1 has a different dad and I think he took a week!

2 weeks paternity leave plus a weeks holiday seems to be what a lot of dads do? Then another week annual leave after a few weeks.

DC1 he took the first 4 months off. DC2 he took first 6 weeks and then did 3 months starting from when she was about 5 months old.
Both worked well but I preferred what we did with DC1 because it meant we shared all the nights 50/50

With our first, DH had to go abroad for a few months (well, back to the UK leaving me in the foreign country where he normally worked!) When DD1 was 8 days, old, with a few weekends at home with us. He's in the Army, so it was pretty non-negotiable.

With DD2, he didn't come home until she was 2 weeks old. But then had lots of time off over the next few months.

You adapt to what happens if necessary. There's advantages and disadvantages to having them home longer. Longer paternity is nice, but if it can't happen for whatever reason, its usually manageable (health issues aside)

The important bit is what happens when they are around... balancing night wakings, housework, nappy changes etc.

Mine took 2 weeks when baby was a month old. But I'd been lucky to have my Mum stay for the first 2 weeks. At a month old baby was a bit more alert and awake, I'd recovered from c section so we were able to enjoy the time a lot more

DS was born in half term, so DH had that week off- but I wasn’t allowed out of hospital until the Friday. However, he was allowed to WFH (17 years ago, so long before this was a thing) during his school’s activity week which was about 3 weeks later. It worked well as it allowed me to establish breast feeding, have all my MW appointments with privacy etc. However, my mum took some time off to be able to support me at home and my PIL did the same.

I'm so surprised by comments like this. Having a new baby can be really hard, especially if you have birth injuries or a section. I had a section and ended up with a nasty wound infection. Having DH around for support was invaluable as I really struggled to move for quite a while and felt horrendous. We live rurally so I couldn't get anywhere without him driving me.

Even if you're breastfeeding there are still loads of things dads can help with, whether that's skin to skin and bonding with baby to give you a bit of a break (the early days of breastfeeding can be really intense), or cooking and cleaning etc. Yes if baby needs breastfed they will need to be with mum a lot but they will also be happy with cuddles from dad which can help give you some much needed space. And it's their baby too!

I totally get that finances mean it might not be possible for the dad to take much time off and that might well be the deciding factor, but if you can afford it, I'd say as long as possible. Using annual leave is a good way of getting time off without losing pay.

Love how this is truthful and ... men can be a bit shit type of thread.

So fed up of the usual MN stuff "he actually pushed with me while I was giving birth and also chest fed our baby" type crap 😂 , it just makes other people feel bad.

Do what you can, it will be fine. Newborns spend most of the time feeding anyway so it's really just a hand with life skills like eating and showering. Do you have any other help?

That sounds perfect as baby will be older.

But do what ever you can OP. Might be an idea to save some annual leave for when baby "does more"

The lack of paternity leave sets the tone for the mum becoming the main carer, always the first called when the kid is sick, always the one compromising their career for childcare. So more paternity leave actually benefits women.

Paternity and maternity leave should exist in tandem and for equal amounts of time- a minimum of a year. That’s a long way off at most companies but I would say a minimum of 6 months full paternity and then 6 months part time work is reasonable and best for baby. That’s if we’re prioritising our society and well-being. If you’re prioritising shareholder’s profits then women should give birth in the workplace toilets and both parents are back at it after two weeks for mum and two days for dad with baby is daycare with strangers 12 hours a day like in the USA.

I think i would have gone crazy if DH has been at home all the time with us for a year after each birth. It doesn't take two people to care for a baby...

I agree men should get more paternity leave as standard though. Is it one of the Nordic countries where some of the parental leave is reserved for the father?

18 years?

Surprised - well not really surprised but disappointed - that everyone's saying "oh he's only allowed two weeks" when most employed parents will be eligible for Shared Parental Leave. The parents I know who've used shared leave have found it really beneficial and rewarding, but a lot of people don't seem to even realise that this is the law, which is such a shame.

My DH had 2 weeks paternity but ended up taking another two weeks wfh/annual leave which was so helpful for first dc. Second dc he was back at work after 2 weeks but I felt better able to handle myself and knew what I was doing.

This time he has 6 weeks paternity which he will be taking in two goes so we are looking fwd to that. 3 weeks of that will be in the summer holidays so he can entertain and take out the older kids 😅

How much is ideal really depends on your circumstances, the birth and your recovery, and what number dc is it etc. If your DH can’t take off loads of time you can also ask family or friends to stay with you to help out (if they will be helpful!)

I'd love to know how much time people wish their partner had had off, rather than how much they did.

I was hoping to do shared parental leave (9months/3months) but I took a career break after a 15year career to pivot, and of course got pregnant in that gap! So that's not on the cards for us anymore which I'm gutted about.

We're in the UK so he only gets the standard 2 weeks leave, but we will use some holiday to extend it full time or part time and would love to hear others hindsight on this so we can take learnings from it...

(Due in Nov and don't have a lot of friends / family nearby for support. May need planned C Section which I imagine makes a diff...)

What a weird comment. They have 2 hands, it’s their child too. They can change nappies, walk up and down for an hour with crying baby, take baby for walks, shop and cook meals, clean up meals, do washing, make cups of tea, hoover….

DH only had 2 weeks with our first, didn’t feel like enough as I was still recovering from my section and I know he really
missed DD. My mum came round on her lunch breaks for a couple of weeks to help me out! Next one I would like to use SPL so he gets 6-8 weeks.

@Softleftpowerstance my husband works internationally so they have no employment laws what so ever covering them for anything. Often in places like Africa, Middle East . If they don't like something, it's tough luck go home and some else will take your place. They get well paid but it's dangerous and dreadful working conditions.