How to share your good news sensitively?

[Cocobeau]

I'm currently 9+3 so we're getting excited to tell our friends and family once we've had our 12 weeks scan. We have a set of friends, "Chris" and "Dan", who have been trying (via surrogate) to get pregnant for a year or so with no luck so far. Chris is my husbands oldest friend. They have the sort of relationship where they don't see each other loads but consider each other best friends - you know, would trust them with anything and do anything for each other. Through their friendship, I have become friends with Dan who I see for brief periods once every 2/3 weeks. I know from chats with Dan that he finds it hard to constantly meet women who share they are pregnant (his clients are all women so happens quite a bit). So I'm really stuck with how to break our news to them. I could just casually try and drop it in next time I see Dan, but I feel my husband would really like to share the news as a couple with Chris. However, because we don't see them all together very much, if we were to arrange a meal, etc and then tell them it might seem like we're trying to make a big deal of it - which could just be more painful for them.

If you have been Chris and Dan in this position, what would you suggest?

I know they will be happy for us, but at the same time I'm sure it might feel like a kick in the guts and I don't want them to feel worse about their situation. Would really appreciate any advice.

I struggle with this too. A close friend and her husband have a daughter but we're desperate to give her a sibling. They tried for years and suffered several losses. When I conceived last November I waited until after 12 weeks then next time I met up with my friend when her daughter wasn't with her, I told her calmly that we were expecting a baby. There seemed no easy or 'nice' way to break the news and I felt however I did it, whenever I did it would be painful for her. She was genuinely happy for us but I expect she will have had her own private thoughts after she left and that's okay too.

I wouldn't just drop it into conversation like it's a minor issue but it doesn't require some grand reveal either.

I think you may have to accept that telling them (however and whenever feels the 'right' moment for you) may hurt them and they are entitled to feel however they feel, however other people are allowed to have, enjoy and share good news even when others are suffering.

You've got time to think about the most tactful way to tell them but their response may surprise you in a good way too.

Congratulations and good luck!

As someone who was struggling with chemicals and TTC in general for a little while, I really appreciated it when my friend who fell pregnant (first time both times!) sent me a text instead of telling me in person.

It allows the person hearing the info to react in the way they need to, then come back with their congratulations etc (which I'm sure would still be heartfelt, but you're right in thinking your news could also sting a bit). Would this be an option maybe? You could perhaps explain a bit that you understand that they might need a little bit of time out to digest the news etc?

PS - huge congratulations ❤️

As someone who was very infertile for a few years and has just been through this with friends who are still trying with my own pregnancy - do it by text message/WhatsApp.

It is so much harder to deal with when it’s dropped into a catch-up or phone call. Text lets you sort out your own jumbled feelings in your own time (happy for them, sad for you), and you can arrange a meal or drink with the air cleared.

And yes, big congrats ❤️

Congratulations.

I've been on both ends of this.
I've been told over text which I found so much easier than being told face to face. It gave me time to gather my own thoughts even though I was genuinely happy for them.
And I've told once I did fall preg over text to a friend who was going through infertility.

To be honest there's no sugar coating it.

I think sharing your news and saying you understand if some time is needed on their end.

As pp I totally agree that whilst we all go through our own journey this is an exciting time for you and I would try not to dwell on sharing it.

Call or text and tell them the news. That way they have time to process the complicated reaction in private. Telling them in person means they have to plaster on a happy face for the remainder of the visit and that will be really hard. You didn’t mention this scenario, but telling them in a larger group scenario would be cruel.

Definitely text them. Preferably before you let anyone else know who might drop it into the conversation.

I really appreciated a friend doing this when I was undergoing fertility treatment x

I tried to tell people who may be trying through text. Means they can process the news privately and react however they want to before giving you their best wishes.

I think your husband should message Chris. Chris may not be struggling in the same way Dan is and regardless will be best placed to tell Dan sensitively. If Chris is struggling too the message will give him time to process before responding.

I had this, my SIL had a miscarriage recently and we've just hit 12 weeks. I sent a very brief text that we were pregnant and when we were due. Our friends video called us when they were announcing and we'd just had a miscarriage, it was agony keeping a smile on for the whole conversation. I'd say send a text every time, allows them to process their feelings and then respond when they are ready. Definitely don't do it in person where they have to keep their emotions hidden until they get home

Congratulations. The fact you're considering the feelings of your friends will mean a great deal to them. Having experienced a tricky fertility journey and full term stillbirth, I will echo what has been said above and say that it's been most helpful for me to receive the news of pregnancies via text. It gives time to process and be able to think about your response - I'm always genuinely happy for people but especially prior to having our 'rainbow' baby, struggled with some difficult feelings too.

Congratulations OP

Agree with others above, as someone who had fertility treatment delayed due to lockdowns after a long time TTC, getting the news by text was by far easier. One friend video called me to tell me, which I'm sure she meant well, but it meant an awkward 30mins convo about how work was going afterwards when really all i wanted to do was run off and cry.

Although the week that FOUR of my friends told me they were pregnant, it didn't really matter how by the 4th one because i was so fed up for myself by the end (although happy for them of course!).

Be prepared that they may need to step back from the friendship for a bit. I did this and really only felt emotionally able to reinvest once i fell pregnant myself. Not everyone is the same of course, but it might be the case for them.

Text is better. Allows the other person to have time to process and gather their feelings.

Always let those who are struggling know before any mass posts or announcements.

If you do a social media announcement- don’t use a scan pic, if you really want to, put into a collage post and let them know it’s in there. Highly triggering for those who have miscarried or had to TFMR as for many scan images are used to determine that the pregnancy will not progress. So I wouldn’t send or show my scan pics to anyone unless they ask for them.

Thank you so much for all your advice everyone. It hadn't occurred to me that the best way to share it would be via text as it seems so impersonal but having read all your replies I absolutely see that's the best way to do it.
I think we might do as @Okeydoky has suggested and have my husband text Chris when I know I'm not due to see Dan for a week or two, then he can choose how much he feels like discussing with me when I do see him.
Thanks again for the great advice x

Another one saying text - we had a long time TTC our 2nd and lots of miscarriages. There was nothing worse than people inviting us somewhere to make a big announcement and you have no opportunity to privately process your feelings. I much preferred a text and then meet up another time when I can be genuinely happy for them without the shock.

I'm not in the exact situation as them but I am goi g through infertility. If I were you I would send them a text message with he update and compassion. Acknowledge their feelings and that you want to be mindful of them so thought via text was best. Gives them time to process it privately she will likely have very complex
Emotions about it. Depending on where she is at they might be short lived or not.

Also moving forward I have asked my friends to ask me if I'm feeling up to receiving pics etc BEFORE sending them. Some days I am feeling strong and others not so much. The last thing I need is to receive a baby pic that throws me off.

Just have compassion for where she is and accept she might not be there for your pregnancy journey as you hoped, likely not how she hoped either. But know that she probably wishes it was different and will struggle with that too. So if she can't go to baby shower or other events know it isn't personal and she probably wishes she could but needs to protect herself at this time.

The fact that your asking is great and I wish some of my friends had done the same would have avoided some awkward boundary setting convos.

Yes, text is best!