Unplanned pregnancy…Partner unhappy - HELP

[SarAnne90]

I apologise in advance for the long post, but I am beside myself and feel so alone. Any reassurance or support would be greatly appreciated.

So I (31) found out I’m pregnant last week for the first time. It was a huge shock. It was unplanned and I was on the pill (Hana - Desogestrel) Therefore no periods. I do have Crohn’s disease though so sometimes have an unhappy stomach, probably how the contraception failed. Partner never uses condoms.

Noticed that I went of coffee which I have always loved, felt very sick and dizzy, tired and sore boobs. Tested once with Boots test and then confirmed with Clearblue digital which said 3+ weeks pregnant.

Although shocked, I was initially very happy. I almost didn’t believe it! I’ve got PCOS and due to always having had irregular cycles I assumed when the time came to trying for family I would not get there easily.

From date of conception (there was only one possibility!) I think I am 6w+2.

Anyway, partner reacted badly. He has recently started his own business and he feels the financial situation is not ideal and he wanted to get married first. He has not suggested abortion outright but he has made it clear this is not what he wants. He’s been very emotionally distant and I’ve felt so alone this past week.

I guess I’m just shocked as we have been together 3.5 years, recently bought a house and got 2 kittens together. We both have decent careers. Finances aren’t great (I have debts I’m paying off) but when are things perfect? I’m 31 and I’m terrified that I may never have this chance again to have a baby. I just can’t help feeling guilty as though I’m “forcing” this on him.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, but some advice would be helpful. Has anyone been in the same situation?

I should add that I’ve told my family and they are very supportive even though I know it is early days. He will not tell his family yet. I feel like he is hiding and hoping it will just go away.

I just can’t help feeling guilty as though I’m “forcing” this on him

You aren't.

Just like he also can't force you to get an abortion.

If you want this baby, you have this baby. No one can tell you what to do other than yourself.

Do you think he may just be shocked and come round?

If you were on the pill and have PCOS, chances are he is in shock.
I have PCOS, DD1 I had fertility help, DD2 was a complete and utter shock. I fell pregnant the week of DD1's first birthday.

I think where you didn't have baby plans anytime soon and now you're pregnant, it can be scary.
Don't feel pressured into having an abortion if you don't want one.

Congrats op

@ScarlettSing

I just can’t help feeling guilty as though I’m “forcing” this on him

You aren't.

Just like he also can't force you to get an abortion.

If you want this baby, you have this baby. No one can tell you what to do other than yourself.

Do you think he may just be shocked and come round?

I don’t think he will try force me, I just think if it’s not what he wants then it might destroy our relationship. I do hope that he will come round. It’s hard to tell. If he doesn’t, and it does destroy the relationship, then I don’t think he’s the person for me anyway. It will just be a hard pill to swallow I guess.

I think even planned pregnancies are always a shock & frightening no matter what anyone says. I do know one thing though, I’ve been in a similar situation, my son is almost 6 now & he was the best decision of my entire life. If I could go back to myself back then I’d tell myself not to worry everything works out & to do what my heart is telling me. Fast forward 6 years we are happy & healthy. That’s all that matters xx

@ohgoshhhh

If you were on the pill and have PCOS, chances are he is in shock. I have PCOS, DD1 I had fertility help, DD2 was a complete and utter shock. I fell pregnant the week of DD1's first birthday.

I think where you didn't have baby plans anytime soon and now you're pregnant, it can be scary.
Don't feel pressured into having an abortion if you don't want one.

Congrats op

Thank you. I’m just trying to get my head around everything. I sort of expected him to have the same reaction as me…shocked but then happy. Maybe I should be giving him more time to adjust. It’s just a scary place to be in.

@user1473880439

I think even planned pregnancies are always a shock & frightening no matter what anyone says. I do know one thing though, I’ve been in a similar situation, my son is almost 6 now & he was the best decision of my entire life. If I could go back to myself back then I’d tell myself not to worry everything works out & to do what my heart is telling me. Fast forward 6 years we are happy & healthy. That’s all that matters xx

That’s lovely 💙 Did you have support in the end or did you bring him up by yourself?

@SarAnne90 I was 18 and terrified. My whole family supported me. Me & his dad split quite quickly but it was a toxic relationship previous to the pregnancy. My son has the most amazing step dad & I have the most amazing partner & we are so happy in our little bubble and hoping to add a brother or sister one day soon 🤞🏼.

Congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️ I wish you all the happiness in the world & just know that no matter what happens everything always works out the way it is meant to be. Xx

OP, I was in your exact position about 9 months ago. Found out I was pregnant unexpectedly, much to my and my partners surprise.

Similar length in relationship, we were planning at some point, but not then. Timing was not right as he had just started a new business and finances were uncertain, he actually outright said we should abort and try in a couple of years.

That was never going to happen, I am mid 30s and outright told him due to my age and that a pregnancy could not be guaranteed or an easy process in a year or two it was out of the question. That if we did go down that route and then couldn't conceive in a couple of years time I would hugely resent him and think we would both be consumed by regret. He was able to acknowledge that logistically I was right, and he had accepted my decision and support me even though he was not happy with the timing.

So I gave home time and he was walking around our house miserable for a few weeks, things were not strained but it felt like living with a man on death row. Then in time it changed, one day I came home to find he seemed a bit more lighthearted after speaking to a friend who also had a child unplanned and was able to give him some perspective and insight.

Another big turning point was telling his family and the joy and excitement they reacted with. He has over my pregnancy become more excited and been very involved in this journey. He insisted on redecorating the house to make it more comfortable, has done all the classes, been involved in every decision and appointment. A couple of weeks ago he came home after a few drinks and told me how the night before he was unable to sleep and had put his arm around me and in that moment the baby started kicking him, as if saying she was awake to, and how happy he was. I nearly cried.

I am now 40 weeks and we both are excitedly awaiting her arrival any day.

I would advise you not try to force him to feel a certain way, allow him to feel what he is. Explain why you have made your decision from a logical and practical point of view. Perhaps encourage home to speak to any friends who also had a surprise. But mostly just give him time. I of course cannot say he will react the same as my partner did, I hope he does.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I do sincerely hope it all works out for you both. Have faith that you have made the right decision and it will all be alright no matter what way it goes.

If a baby isn't what he wants then he should have been using a condom and taking some of the responsibility on.

@MatronicO6

OP, I was in your exact position about 9 months ago. Found out I was pregnant unexpectedly, much to my and my partners surprise.

Similar length in relationship, we were planning at some point, but not then. Timing was not right as he had just started a new business and finances were uncertain, he actually outright said we should abort and try in a couple of years.

That was never going to happen, I am mid 30s and outright told him due to my age and that a pregnancy could not be guaranteed or an easy process in a year or two it was out of the question. That if we did go down that route and then couldn't conceive in a couple of years time I would hugely resent him and think we would both be consumed by regret. He was able to acknowledge that logistically I was right, and he had accepted my decision and support me even though he was not happy with the timing.

So I gave home time and he was walking around our house miserable for a few weeks, things were not strained but it felt like living with a man on death row. Then in time it changed, one day I came home to find he seemed a bit more lighthearted after speaking to a friend who also had a child unplanned and was able to give him some perspective and insight.

Another big turning point was telling his family and the joy and excitement they reacted with. He has over my pregnancy become more excited and been very involved in this journey. He insisted on redecorating the house to make it more comfortable, has done all the classes, been involved in every decision and appointment. A couple of weeks ago he came home after a few drinks and told me how the night before he was unable to sleep and had put his arm around me and in that moment the baby started kicking him, as if saying she was awake to, and how happy he was. I nearly cried.

I am now 40 weeks and we both are excitedly awaiting her arrival any day.

I would advise you not try to force him to feel a certain way, allow him to feel what he is. Explain why you have made your decision from a logical and practical point of view. Perhaps encourage home to speak to any friends who also had a surprise. But mostly just give him time. I of course cannot say he will react the same as my partner did, I hope he does.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I do sincerely hope it all works out for you both. Have faith that you have made the right decision and it will all be alright no matter what way it goes.

Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me your story, it means a lot. The part about the baby kicking him made me a little teary…bloody hormones!

It’s interesting that telling his family made a difference. I suspect it will be the same for us. I know his parents will be over the moon and I think that’s why he’s not in a rush to tell them. I wouldn’t expect him to at this early stage anyway, but I will leave that up to him. I only told min because it was such a shock and I needed to talk to someone!

Your advice not to try and make him feel a certain way is really good advice and I will take this onboard. I do think I’ve been putting pressure on him to talk about it and I think I’ve been pushing him further away. Now he knows and he has feelings clear, I will just try my best to leave him be. I think I do need to tell him exactly why I’m making the decision not to terminate though, as I don’t think he really gets how difficult it can be to conceive, especially with PCOS. This feels like it’s meant to be.

Congratulations to you as well, wishing you all the best for you and your new little girl!!

Exactly the same situation here except this is DC3 for us. I’m about 6 weeks too and after DS2 DP said categorically no more. He was one of two and never imagined having any more than that. He’s very practical and knew if we had another we’d be struggling financially, need a new car, my job probably wouldn’t be worth it with childcare fees etc so that was the end of that even though I’d have liked another.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago I discovered I was pregnant. Condom must have failed without us knowing. He is so miserable. He doesn’t want this baby but I also will not abort. I’ve booked a scan for 8 weeks and I’m hoping if he sees it on the screen he may begin to feel differently. Who knows. Men are a different species but equally they don’t have a bond with it from the minute they know it’s there like we do.

I agree with others saying give him time, and I hope he comes around. It is a shock for both of you. Was in a similar situation around this time last year. Oddly he was originally the one wanting to start a family, not me, but then when it happened he completely freaked out. Wanted me to have a termination. I was resolute about not doing that, was prepared to go it alone if necessary. It took around 2 weeks for him to go from that to "can't wait to meet our baby, so excited". I do think a private scan I had at 6 weeks helped, we saw the heartbeat. Hope it works out as happily for you, know how horrible it feels

@Libmama

Exactly the same situation here except this is DC3 for us. I’m about 6 weeks too and after DS2 DP said categorically no more. He was one of two and never imagined having any more than that. He’s very practical and knew if we had another we’d be struggling financially, need a new car, my job probably wouldn’t be worth it with childcare fees etc so that was the end of that even though I’d have liked another.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago I discovered I was pregnant. Condom must have failed without us knowing. He is so miserable. He doesn’t want this baby but I also will not abort. I’ve booked a scan for 8 weeks and I’m hoping if he sees it on the screen he may begin to feel differently. Who knows. Men are a different species but equally they don’t have a bond with it from the minute they know it’s there like we do.

That sounds really difficult. Yes my partner is also practical and I know he would want everything to be perfect before having a baby, but I just don’t think that will ever happen. Life gets in the way and you can never guarantee, can you?

I hope your partner comes around, like you say it takes them a lot longer to feel like it’s real as it’s not changing their bodies like it is ours! Best wishes for your 8 week scan. I don’t think I can afford that otherwise I would be on it!

@EatingToast

I agree with others saying give him time, and I hope he comes around. It is a shock for both of you. Was in a similar situation around this time last year. Oddly he was originally the one wanting to start a family, not me, but then when it happened he completely freaked out. Wanted me to have a termination. I was resolute about not doing that, was prepared to go it alone if necessary. It took around 2 weeks for him to go from that to "can't wait to meet our baby, so excited". I do think a private scan I had at 6 weeks helped, we saw the heartbeat. Hope it works out as happily for you, know how horrible it feels

Thank you for your reassuring words. I will try to be patient with him, hopefully he will see the bright side of this in time. I mean, it’s a shock for me as well, if it wasn’t for the awful symptoms I don’t think I would believe it myself! It would be nice to go for an early scan, but I can’t really afford it.

My pregnancy came as a huge surprise to both me and my husband. Tbh he really wasn’t great, I was in tears constantly because he seemed so unsupportive and he didn’t want to go through with it. A few weeks later it he completely flipped, we’re 20 weeks in now and he’s absolutely fine, back to his usual self. His reaction initially was pure shock for something we hadn’t even remotely planned - now I even catch him looking up names etc and making lists.

If this is what you want then I think you should do it - only you’ll know what’s right. It might just be it’s a huge shock that he needs to get his head around. For men I think they feel complete lack of control because it’s our body not theirs. Hoping he comes around for you!

Hopefully he’s in shock and he’ll ease out of it. For my DP it made a huge difference when he told his family.

First of all sorry to hear you are feeling like this. When I found out I was pregnant my partner was so shocked I thought he was going to fall over. We weren't trying so was unexpected. At first we were both apprehensive as all we could think about was what we were giving up as we live great lives as far as we are concerned. However I soon realised I really really wanted the baby. My partner however took longer to come round. I too was very worried as I knew I wanted to keep baby. After a few days though, he started to come round a bit. We had a long conversation about what all the benefits of having a baby are and how although life would change perhaps that is a good thing and would be the next chapter for us. I'm now 10 weeks nearly and about to go for our first appointment. We are both excited and he is now well on board.
My advice to you is to have a conversation like the one I had and listen to his concerns and try to address them. Then give him time to process. Try not to push him too much and I'm sure he will come around. At the end of the day I don't think there is ever a perfect time but if you are in a strong and long lasting relationship everything will work out. Good luck with everything

Sending a big hug OP. I was a bit in your position 3 years ago. We had just moved 3000 miles, knew next to no one, had no support, my OH had just started a new job, and we had been engaged for 48 hours and bam. Shock pregnancy. I had come off my pill for a few months, but due to both of our medical histories assumed (wrongly) that we wouldn't get pregnant and we were safe. For both of us, all options were on the table re. becoming parents, and also termination. I think no matter how hard it is, you should let him feel heard, so that he feels included, even though ultimately, it is your choice to make. He is going through an emotional rollercoaster too, and needs time to adjust to this evolving situation. A suggestion would be to take him to a private scan or to a doctors visit. We went to our doctor the day after finding out, we discussed our options, including abortion, and what that would feel like. We had a scan to see how far through we were, and when I saw the image I knew that there was no way that I could terminate, but it took seeing the baby to know. It was also the same for my now husband. As the doctor said "sometimes the picket fence isn't white, it is pink or blue". No time to have a child is ever perfect. That same day after years of telling me that he didn't know if he ever wanted children, my husband turned to me and said "if it is a girl can we call her X" which we did. Turns out he had a girls name picked all along, and now that is our daughter, and her name gives me joy every time I hear it. I couldn't be more glad we had her. People sometimes aren't great about expressing their feelings until they are given a little time to think on it when things are turned on their heads. It is a very tricky, challenging, emotional time. Ultimately I hope that your partner ends up being as supportive as I am lucky to have had. Pregnancy is never easy, and people even wobble with planned pregnancy. Try to talk to him and while telling him what you want, tell him how you feel, and give him time and an open forum to tell you the same. I really do recommend having the scan if you can, and bringing him. At least for us, this was the point where we finally came to our decision and it really helped. Good luck with everything x