Dreading mat leave

[SickAndTiredAgain]

I’m 33 weeks pregnant with DD2 and really not looking forward to mat leave. I had severe PND last time and have not been able to get any mental heath support this pregnancy.

It’s not that I don’t want to go on mat leave. Financially it makes sense, and I don’t want DD2 to be in nursery from a couple of months old. DH is very supportive and would genuinely love nothing more than to take a year off himself but financially that isn’t feasible. He earns more than I do, but would only get statutory pay. I get full pay for 6 months. Turning down the chance for us both to be fully paid, while also not having childcare bills would be stupid (we will still send DD1 to nursery a couple of days a week but she gets her free hours in Sept). I also don’t want to be working while absolutely exhausted from a newborn not sleeping.
So it’s not that I wish I could choose to not take maternity leave, just that I’m really not looking forward to it. I like my job. I have no friends with kids, maternity leave last time was the most miserable and lonely time of my life and I sort of can’t believe I forgot that when deciding to have DC2. This pregnancy was planned, and very wanted but I’m so scared of going through maternity leave again. I’m not an easily sociable person - I took DD to some baby groups but never made any friends. I know you don’t necessarily need friends with babies but I don’t have a huge friendship group anyway (certainly not locally) and they all work during the week anyway.

Did anyone else hate mat leave? Any advice?

How long are you taking? Is shared parental leave an option after 6 months when your pay drops?

What was DD1 like as a baby? I found my first mat leave a slog, my baby was like velcro and I had PND but the second was much easier. I had no expectations and the days were shorter with nursery drop off and pick up to be factored in to the day. I did have people around though, that must be tough without. I maybe saw one person a week but also was really good friends with my neighbour. Maybe have a look for an NCT coffee morning? It’s free and a nice way to meet other new parents. They share all your numbers after so forces you to keep in touch.

If you get PND again then some ADs are safe to take when breastfeeding and can really help.

@tealandteal

How long are you taking? Is shared parental leave an option after 6 months when your pay drops?

I’m probably only taking about 8 months. We could do shared parental leave but financially it wouldn’t be the best decision. Dropping from his wage plus statutory, to my wage plus statutory would be a significant drop. And it would happen around next November/December, with rising energy bills etc I just don’t think it would really be a sensible financial decision. We’d be able to cope but to voluntarily take that cut without having to would seem reckless given the cost of living.

I don’t really know how far in advance it needs to be arranged? It’s definitely something DH would jump at, especially if I was struggling, but I’m not sure we’d want to commit to it now.

It seems a shame you taking leave if you really don’t want to, would what your saving in childcare make up for the drop in Dh’s salary to SPL?
Maybe perhaps take a shorter leave? In America it’s common for them to only take 6 weeks. It does seem an awful shame any woman would feel obliged to take this leave when there is actually no obligation to take any more than 2 weeks (and that is for the protection of women who might otherwise be forced back to work sooner by an abusive spouse or employer) and most nurseries take from 6 weeks.

Could you do an NCT or hypnobirthing group to make some friends due at the same time? Much easier to get a few mum friends that way than by doing baby groups

What was DD1 like as a baby? I found my first mat leave a slog, my baby was like velcro and I had PND but the second was much easier.

She contact napped until she went to nursery at 11 months (I went back to work at 9 months but then lockdown hit pretty much immediately so she was back home after about a day of nursery). For about 6 months she screamed anytime I wasn’t holding her - even if I was just making a quick sandwich, going for a wee, and she could see me singing and waving etc. We tried 3 different slings and she cried in them all, and she was hysterical in the pram even when moving so we didn’t get out much. I was prepared for the fourth trimester, but not for a baby I couldn’t put down at all for 6 months without hysterical crying.

@Autumn42

It seems a shame you taking leave if you really don’t want to, would what your saving in childcare make up for the drop in Dh’s salary to SPL? Maybe perhaps take a shorter leave? In America it’s common for them to only take 6 weeks. It does seem an awful shame any woman would feel obliged to take this leave when there is actually no obligation to take any more than 2 weeks (and that is for the protection of women who might otherwise be forced back to work sooner by an abusive spouse or employer) and most nurseries take from 6 weeks.

It’s hard to explain - it’s not that I don’t want to exactly, more than I’m scared to, if that makes sense? I don’t want to put DD2 in nursery at 6 weeks, I breastfed DD1 on demand and actually really enjoyed that part of it. I’m just very worried about the PND coming back - I’m not looking forward to mat leave in case it’s like last time, but really I think I’d like it to be better, rather than not do it at all.

I’m not sure how well I’m explaining it, I’m not sleeping well due to pelvic pain so I’m very tired which is probably making it all seem worse.

Sounds like it’s not so much the maternity leave per se but ‘the postnatal period’ which your apprehensive about. Even if your Dh were to get the same pay as you during SPL you would probably have similar issues if you were going to have them.
I hope for you this time is much better. There are many pregnant/new mothers on medication to help with depression and anxiety and there is much more support in most areas now in terms of perinatal mental health teams etc, could you ask your midwife to refer you? Out of interest? When did you have your last baby? If during lockdown then it would of been a very different experience to normal as you wouldn’t have necessarily had the opportunity to get out and meet other new parents etc. It can make the world of difference having someone else to commiserate through all the difficult bits of new motherhood with, even just to know someone personally who is going through the same as you, adult conversation to break up the tedium etc, coffee’s picnics etc. Most of us would say our experiences of motherhood would of been much less fulfilling if we’d of just been cooped up with baby all day x

@mswales

Could you do an NCT or hypnobirthing group to make some friends due at the same time? Much easier to get a few mum friends that way than by doing baby groups

Agree, in my experience is quite easy to make friends antenatally and in sessions just with mothers of other young babies. Groups of mums with toddlers are usually much more cliquey and difficult to make new friends in

Maternity leave is crap and lonely.
A wise woman at work was the first person to ever mention it to me, I was 27!, not once had I heard about new parenthood and being home with babies as lonely.

Then I had my own and good lord it was horrific, pandemic didn’t help, even when things eased up everyone I knew was at work.

It’s totally normal to feel those things. I went back at 6 months this time and it’s the best things I’ve done.

There’s no right or wrong, you can be flexible and just play it by ear.

I disliked ML with my first, DS was very sleep resistant, I had PND and found it very lonley. I was glad to be back to work when DS was 10 months.

I'm now off on ML again, with DS2 aged 15 weeks, DS1 is 3.5yr. Its so much better this time despite me doing nothing this time!

Well, no classes anyway. Were moving house next week so I've had lots of clearing out to do and I have DS1 2 days a week too which keeps me really busy!!

Go back at six months. If you're lucky this baby will be easier. It's true when they say they're all different.

Can you check with your HR and his how much notice you would need to give? I had PND and very much struggled with the last 6 months of my maternity leave with DS, much more so than with the first 6 months. This time I will be taking 7 months and my DH will be taking 5 but we earn around the same so it doesn’t make so much difference financially.

Hi Op I fully empathise! Have you spoken to a mental health specialist midwife - I feel like you should have been offered some mental health support with you having PND last time. I felt extremely lonely and anxious on mat leave and was very stressed too as was taking a break from self employment. I'm hoping to do NCT or something similar this time to get a little network. Most of the mum's I know have school children as we are having this one in our 40s 😆. I found the mush app really good for making connections with local mum's and I know there's bean app too - you can go on those antenatally and find other pregnant mum's and people in similar situation that might help. Last time I went to groups but never stuck with one and I think that might have helped in making friends. Good luck just because last time was unpleasant doesn't mean this time will be - that's what I'm telling myself anyway!! 😁 xx