Antenatal depression

[Rrrunrunrunrunrun]

I’ve NC’d for this. I am feeling very low so please be gentle.

I am 21 weeks pregnant. Yesterday I found out I’m having a boy. I’ve read gender disappointment threads before and this is one but there are deep rooted issues.

I had a daughter who was very poorly and died 3 years ago. I was more a nurse than a mum. We didn’t have normal experiences. I put on a brave face to the external world, but it was really really shit. I used to plan my exit from the world, and in the last 24 hours those feelings have resurfaced.

I grew up with a sister, my mum has a sister and I went to a girls school. I also wanted to have the experience I missed out on with my daughter. Before I am slated, I know the chances are 50/50 and I am lucky to have a healthy (we think) baby growing. I won’t be able to have more children so I need to come to terms with never being able to have the experiences I dreamt of.

DH is livid and disappointed in me and suggested a late termination. I would never do that.

I need to surpress my feelings because I people irl won’t understand and I can’t talk to DH about this anymore. Has anyone had antenatal counselling? Any other tips on how I can bond with this baby? I tried to prepare for this situation by thinking of names, but I have none. I have no interest in telling people I’m pregnant etc.

Please get some counselling/therapy. You can get in touch with the perinatal mental health services via your midwife. It's such a gamble to knowingly prefer one sex over another and try for a baby without dealing with these issues you're having. It's not fair on the child and it's not fair on your loved ones.

Your son is innocent, deserves love and none of these pre judgements on the kind of relationship you'll have or not have with him. It's terrible what you've been through but your son being a boy is nothing to do with the hurt and pain you have suffered.

If you fear you won't be able to bond with your child that you have chosen to bring into this world based on their sex then please get help.

You’re right. And I really didn’t know I would feel this way until yesterday. Thinking about names was because I was worried about bonding in general.

I’m not seeing the midwives again until mid June. They have been pretty useless so far and insensitive to the situation (pregnancy after loss and previous mental health issues).

You can't help the way you feel. Don't be too hard on yourself. People are so dismissive of gender disappointment but we all start imaging our life even before the bfp and it can take some getting used to when things won't look exactly like we planned.
You've been through a massive trauma and it's obviously affected you. I agree with some counselling but more for you and what you've been through rather than the gender disappointment. Give yourself some time. Maybe buy some cute clothes, Choose a name etc.

This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. Firstly I think you should cut yourself some slack - lots of people say "you should be grateful to have a healthy baby" but for various reasons, you're disappointed that your baby is not a girl - those are your feelings and they are completely valid. Especially as you, understandably, have strong and complicated emotions relating to the sad loss of your daughter previously .

I think that your DH is being unfair to you to suggest a termination, but his reaction is also understandable. It sounds like he is processing his emotions from the past in a different way and your disappointment in the gender of your baby shocked him. You both need some time to process this very new information - in your case, that you are not having the little girl you had dreamed of; in his case, that you were disappointed because of that. Both of these can absolutely be overcome.

In truth lots of women don't bond with their babies whilst they're in the womb, that's not unusual in itself. But given your past, and because you feel so low about it, do you think it's worth mentioning to your midwife? She should be able to help you access counselling. It really sounds like that would help you - you clearly want to talk about how you feel, but are unable to find people who can listen without judgement.

Sending you

Sorry, just saw your comment about the midwives. Perhaps speak to your GP instead?

Please ask to be referred to the perinatal mental health team. They really made a difference to me.

Thank you for the kind responses and no judgement. I feel like the most awful person for feeling this way.

@raffleticket you’re right, I do want to talk about it, I just need to find a sensitive ear to listen. I asked about the perinatal mental health midwife at my booking appt but apparently she already has a full caseload. I think I could actually tell my consultant. She knows me and my late daughter very well and knows I’ve got a whole load of complicated emotions around this pregnancy. She had previously offered for the neonatal counsellor to talk to me (I met her weekly for months when my daughter was in hospital, and she came to visit after she died) so perhaps I should see if that’s still an option.

You lost your daughter. Nobody can judge your reaction. You have been through the unimaginable. Please seek out as much support as you can from all avenues. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Maybe your DH's reaction has skewed your reality a bit, but I promise you - nobody reading what you have written here thinks you are an awful person. You are clearly somebody who has been through a huge amount of trauma and is processing a range of emotions that are completely understandable in light of that trauma. Please be kind to yourself.
I think it's a really good idea to speak to your consultant, I'm sure they will do everything they can to help you. You have plenty of time to address your feelings before your little baby arrives - things will get better You don't have to suffer through this alone.