Guilty feelings at 18+3

[Hallelujah85]

My partner & I argued last night because I shared with him how I was feeling about being pregnant. I shared that I didn’t really enjoy this experience and my fears around labour and birth itself. I don’t feel a bond with my pregnant belly and I’m feeling guilty as everyone keeps saying to enjoy this moment, it’s a beautiful experience etc. Well, I’m not enjoying it. I feel I have no control over my body, I feel ugly, I feel everything I enjoyed prior to being pregnant has been taken away from me. I feel guilty for feeling like this because I’ve wanted to be pregnant for many years (I’m now 36, first pregnancy).
I don’t understand how having sciatic pain when also trying to work 12.5hr shifts is supposed to be ‘enjoyable’. I don’t see how being generally uncomfortable is supposed to be ‘enjoyable’ and everything else that comes with it and I’m not even half way yet. I’m petrified about birth and all the potential complications. I’m scared of pain - my job is usually to control pain well for others.
My partner told me to just be ‘positive’. Really unhelpful but what’s the point in sharing my feelings when that’s the type of ‘reassurance’ I receive. I now feel distant from my partner and quite lonely in how I’m feeling in general. I’m a nurse and should probably know better, but pregnancy & midwifery isn’t my specialty. I don’t feel I want to discuss this with a midwife either. Just not feeling okay and guilty that I’m not enjoying this time as everyone else seems to have done & is telling me to do so 😢.

I'm not enjoying being pregnant either. I've been so unwell and I've had multiple losses so I'm struggling to bond just in case something happens. I can't get excited and I feel more like I'm suffering a terrible illness than growing a much wanted child.

So I know how you feel. I'm hoping in time I start to bond more. Have you had any movements yet? This is my second and I think kicks will help me realise there's a person in there.

People who say "enjoy every moment" when you feel like shit mean well but they are annoying so I feel you there.

If you're scared of the pain and complications of labour speak to your midwife. She might be able to refer you to perinatal mental health to help your anxiety. Also, you have the option to have a caesarean if you want one. I'm not saying cs is the easy option because it's not and it is major surgery, but the planned element of it might make you feel a bit more in control. Look up tokophobia and see if any of that resonates. If it helps, I was convinced I'd die before I had my first but actually it was quite straightforward and not too bad (it was painful but with pain relief it was manageable).

Pregnancy is hard. You're not alone in feeling like this

I’m feeling guilty as everyone keeps saying to enjoy this moment, it’s a beautiful experience etc.

Please don't feel guilty. My pregnancy was not "a beautiful experience". It was a long hard slog. And it sucked.
Some women absolutely bloom in pregnancy. Others don't. You have, in the nicest way, an absolute parasite inside of you stealing everything they need and leaving you with the dregs! It's ok to feel a bit shit!! It doesn't mean you won't be a good mum and it doesn't mean you don't love your baby just because you're being honest about how you feel!

I never really understood the people who said they loved being pregnant or missed being pregnant. For me it was months of feeling very sick by months of feeling very uncomfortable. Once the baby was moving around a lot it was much more special though, but on the whole it was really hard.
Quite unsupportive to be told to ‘be positive’ by someone who’s not experiencing what you are.

I would discuss it with your midwife because I remember telling mine about how I didn’t feel happy, even though it was something I wanted and she was so supportive and made me feel much better about how I felt. It’s a big change you’re going through. It’s hard!

Don’t feel guilty for how you feel, perfectly normal! Doesn’t mean you won’t love your baby or won’t be a great Mum.

This is a total normal feeling - I also felt exactly like this and continue to (22 weeks). For your partner, the advice would be for them to just listen rather than just try and help.

One thing I would say is that I joined an antenatal 'bonding with my baby' course, which was free and run by an organisation called Rockabye, and that has really helped. Additionally, local children centres have 1-2-1 support as well. I'm still not a glowy happy clappy mum, but it has made me feel less alone and I have felt more of an attachment to the baby.

Thank you for your replies, sharing and understanding. I think this alone makes me feel less alone in how I’m feeling. I’ll take on board the suggestions made and see how things go from there.

Until then, I have a very tricky partner to deal with who doesn’t seem to understand and probably won’t anytime soon.

Oh and yes, I’m feeling some flutters and I’m also able to scan myself at work, trying to get some bonding feelings on board that way but no joy as of yet.

Thanks again for your replies. Appreciated ❤️

So, so, so many people feel this way. Please don't feel guilty for experiencing totally normal emotions. Pregnancy is hard - harder for some people than others. And it's long, the better part of a year without occupying your body alone. Just because you don't love pregnancy doesn't for a minute mean that you won't love your child.

Your partner can do one. Pregnancy is hard work and can be scary. He needs to show a bit of empathy.

I feel exactly the same, I actually couldn’t have expressed how I feel better than you have done here. Pregnant with number 2 now and have hated almost every aspect of pregnancy both times. I am a midwife and feel completely robbed of this experience that had been said to be wonderful by so many. Perhaps the difference with regards to the pain aspect for me is that although I see women in pain all the time, I know there will be an end point to it, and a baby at the end. I burst into tears recently at a friends baby shower because she had gushed about how much she loved being pregnant and then a friend asked me if I also enjoyed pregnancy and to answer ‘no’ made me feel like a failure. However since being a bit more honest about how truly awful pregnancy is, I have found other people being more open about how they struggled as well. I think people feel they can’t talk openly about the struggle of pregnancy because it sounds ungrateful, or like they don’t see it as a fair sacrifice for a baby. Toxic positivity is the absolute worst, I especially struggled hearing it from my partner as I just felt so resentful that he doesn’t have to go through this. If it is any reassurance I felt completely indifferent to the baby during my first pregnancy, but I couldn’t love my child more. The lack of joy I felt for being pregnant totally took away any sort of bonding while pregnant, once labour was over it really felt like a massive cloud lifted.

@Dryshampooandcoffee
Thank you! I've literally just cried reading your response to my initial post. Thank you, for also being so honest. You may not understand how much of a relief it was reading that and that of the others comments. And more so that you're a midwife. Quite powerful honesty right there.

I'm so grateful I've found this site. It was my first time posting also and now I feel better that I've opened up about my 'not so positive feelings towards my pregnancy'. Thank you again. To all of you.

Perhaps not feeling so positive about pregnancy isn't that uncommon after all. More so just difficult to discuss it in public for the reasons you have so rightly pointed out.