Gender disappointment - help please

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No hate please or negativity please
just in need of advice and positive stories please about gender disappointment…

I have a son already and when I was pregnant with him I couldn’t of been happier as I had no gender preference whatsoever.

Fast forward to today I’m currently pregnant with baby No.2
Unfortunately this pregnancy has been very complex and because of this we medically will not be able to have anymore children after this baby is here.

I’ve always wanted a daughter so badly but we have just found out it’s a boy.
I have extreme gender disappointment.

How do I get past my disappointment?
I have no excitement, I don’t even want to buy anything and I have no bond with my bump.
I’m already sick of being asked “will you try for a girl next time” “are you disappointed it’s not a girl” / how do I stop people saying this? Is there a witty clever response to these comments??
Because honestly when people say this it only encourages my disappointment more and make me hate the fact we are having another boy more.
Why can’t people try and say nice things.

Will this go away? Will I ever be ok with the fact we will never get the opportunity to try and have a girl?

Also possibly worth mentioning our first born son is going to be about 10 years older than the baby so it’s not like they will play together much or have a brotherly bond …

Please someone tell me I will eventually love the baby and won’t be disappointed when he’s here?

Also any tips on how I handle strangers asking me if it’s a boy or girl , this triggers me.

Looking for positive stories or hope that it gets better / will be ok also any witty comeback to things people say is appreciated too xx

Hi,
I have 9 years between my boys. They have an amazing bond and do very much play together, in a way I couldn’t see my now almost 12 year old playing dolls/girly things with a sister. So don’t worry about that.
I can’t tell you that you won’t be disappointed when he’s born, as you might be. I think you need to discuss this with your midwife and potentially have some counselling.
In terms of strangers asking, say you don’t know? Say you aren’t telling people? It’s a surprise etc.

I used to say we are just happy he’s healthy when people asked about his gender.

I had a touch of this when I found out I was expecting my third girl. I would have loved a son but I knew there would be no more babies for me. I talked it through with a very trusted, non-judgemental friend...

I don't really have any advice because we're all different but I can tell you that I am so glad she is the baby we got, she's 5 now and she's just bloody brilliant. She makes me laugh every day and brings us all so much joy...

When people ask, have a set answer you can just roll out "oh we're having another boy and I'm SO delighted because dc1 has always wanted a brother". Something like that.

I told people I was delighted to be having another girl because we'd be able to reuse all the clothes and girly bits we already had.

It's much easier once they are born xx

I can't offer you any advice on the disappointment but I can reassure you about the age gap. It was seeing a young boy play with his much younger brother that made me decide to have my youngest. I wasn't disappointed, there was endless patience and love.

Gender disappointment is a real thing and a lot of people don't actually see that!

I have a five year old boy, I wanted a girl for my next as I knew deep down this was my last and I won't be trying or having anymore. I went for an early scan at 15 weeks and found out I was having another boy. I was more upset at the fact if I wanted to try for a girl it would mean having to do the whole pregnancy again and mentally I don't think I can again, this is why my second boy is my last.

I have no advice on much more other then it will go away, and you will become excited.

Took me a couple of days to be excited again, now I can't wait to have matching things, and all the things brothers do. Plus the fact I no longer need a bigger house as they can share rooms was a bonus 🤣 I was clearly ment to be a boy mum and I'm happy with that.

A lot of people ask me when you having your girl, I just say I'm not because knowing my luck it will be another boy and laugh 🤣

What you're feeling is very common and it will absolutely pass. Once your baby gets here you won't be able to imagine life without him. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling.

When people ask i would say “it’s not a set to collect!”

It’s kind of grieving for what you are not going to have,
there may always be a part of you that feels sad but eventually you will separate that to your baby.
It’s a process and it’s good you are being honest with yourself.
If your brave maybe tell people you would have liked a girl but also you feel lucky you get a chance of a second child?

My DS is what people imagine a daughter to be, he's 40 now, a professional artist, deep and sensitive, and he and DiL live with me. We bought a big house together that we could never afford alone and live separately in the house so not in each others pockets.
We share all the same interests and views.
I cannot possibly imagine a daughter being any closer. And anyway DiL is the daughter I never had, she is brilliant.

I have three sons who are absolutely wonderful. When I was pregnant when no 2 and no 3 I would have loved to have a daughter. They are all grown up now really it isn’t a thing anymore. Having all boys have made my female friendships very important to me as I don’t have a sister either. I must admit I do enjoy feeling special as the only female in my family.

I Do get you may be disappointed op but a healthy baby is all you can ask for it's just a blessing and some people can't have children so you are lucky , I have 2 terminally ill children so I'd just be happy for a healthy baby.
Just think of the positives not the what ifs- you can always adopt or surrogacy in the future if this was an option to you, your baby is a blessing to you and your family no matter what it may be- in the future you could have 10 granddaughters instead!! Or your son may be trans, you never know! ❤️

You could just be honest. "this will be my last baby due to health issues" I wanted two girls, I got one of each. love them both the same and you will two. I'm honest about that, and I wish more people would be. There's a mum at school with 5 boys...who's adamant she's not trying for a girl... fooling no-one.
You will love your children regardless of sex, might take you a while to deal with it, but you will.
My son is way more loving than my hormonal teenage girl.

When people ask, have a set answer you can just roll out "oh we're having another boy and I'm SO delighted because dc1 has always wanted a brother". Something like that

Great advice. And if people say will you try again for a girl, or are you disappointed the baby is big a girl, just say “fuck no, everyone tells me girls are absolute nightmares”.

My boys are so loving and joyful. There is always a little piece of me that wonders about that classic mother-daughter thing (though I am not close to my own mother tbh) but no part of me, zero, ever regrets my beautiful boys. Greatest loves of my life.

Both of yours will be too I'm sure. I recommend going out of your way to reflect and bond with your little one....you'll get there OP. I think being told you likely can't have more is what underpins the stress over it - not just for boys or girls but in general having the choice taken away is hard.

I'm sorry you're finding it tough. My DC1 was a girl, which I secretly had a preference for. However, she died as a baby and we went on to have two DSs. DS2 is very likely to be our last so I was disappointed when we found out. It took a few months to get used to the idea and there was only love and joy when he was born. He's totally wonderful and so different from his brother (who is also wonderful). I still get sad sometime about not having a daughter, mainly because my brother is pretty crap at keeping in touch with my parents but I try to remember that plenty of friends with children have more to do with the dad's parents than the mum's. I really hate that people make you feel inferior for not having a daughter though - that's definitely there in some people.

Thanks everyone this is honestly exactly what I needed to hear xx
I have been dying for some positivity and everyone around me has been so negative that I think it’s made me feel worse. Thank so much xxx

I think if I delve really deep into my feelings I’m probably not all actually disappointed that the baby is going to be a boy I’m more just upset that I will never have a daughter … if that makes sense?

I had this 50 years ago this June.I was pregnant before sans were available you had to wait for the birth to find out boy or girl.
I had terrible problems during the birth of my first child, a son, both he and I nearly died during the EMCS which was necessary for him to be born.
During my second pregnancy two years later I was told I would most likely need another caesarean birth and was advised, or rather told, to make it my last baby.The tubal tie form was put in front of me I was asked to sign it , it went against my religious beliefs but I was scared stiff of the birth so it got signed.The tubal tie was one during the second EMCS I came round safely rom the GA to be told I had a healthy son.
At first I was over the moon that our lives had been saved but shortly afterwards reality hit me, no more babies, now I would never have a daughter.
Every one I knew seemed to be having babies, a lot were girls as well.People even said ''Oh what a shame you will never have another, you must be wanting a little girl so much''.Cruel heartless people.
Now I have four granddaughters, one of whom lives with me, (I am in danger of outing myself now, so cannot say more).
You are having a lovely baby boy, enjoy every minute of him.I know this is hard but think how lucky you are!

This is true - I adore my partners family and we are definitely closer to them than my family!
(My mum had always been absent in my life and was quite neglectful when I was younger)

I am so lucky because my mother in law is just wonderful! I love her so much!
I also have a sister in law who is a beautiful soul too so I’m very lucky xx

My boys are older teens now and time has taught me, that for us, having two of the same gender has been absolutely the best outcome.

Don’t feel guilty, but I can promise you it’ll all be okay.

I only wanted girls. Had one, great, eh?? Brilliant. Jackpot hit. Then had a boy and was beside myself - I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or feel, it didn’t fit whatever view in my head I had.

Now, 14 years later, my thinking is so reversed.

Having a DD- I can’t even remember what the drive was. She’s quite different from the image I ever had. She doesn’t and has never wanted to shop, froth, do anything ‘girly’. Unicorns/barbie/fairies/dollies have never featured, at her behest. She hates a hug. Always has. She’s fiery and independent and I have no doubt she’ll rock the world in her own wonderful way and I love her so much, but she is NOT a stereotypical girl and never has been. (I am, for context!)

My son, who I panicked about having, is the one to bake with me, shop with me, cast judgment on my internet purchases and is my shadow in the kitchen or garden. He’s my sofa buddy. My hugger. He’s the one to say he loves me and wants affection and SO appreciates it back.

If you took gender out of it, he’s the relationship I pictured and not the gender, she the other way round.

But I adore and love them equally, and my eyes have been opened.

OP, you're not having 'a boy', any old boy, you are having Your Second Child. A person with a character, and spirit. Your older DS's little brother. The person who completes the family team.

When people ask what you're having, just say 'a baby!'

It would be helpful if you list the reasons you want a daughter. For a lot of people (especially on here if you’ve read the gender threads), gender isn’t a thing. But for some it is, and if you write down what your concerns then people might be able to help. I’m only saying that, because sex alone (I.e. genitals and chromosomes), ideally shouldn’t dictate parents’ expectations of a child.

This is so so common OP. A lot of women feel the way you do (especially my arty gentle friend with five boys who always thought she’d have girls!)

You’re entitled to grieve the daughter you won’t have. It’s like any grief, all you can do is accept it and learn to live round it, there’s no other path forward.

As for what to say to people, I tend to leave a long pause after the question while I stare at them, and then eventually say something that makes them uncomfortable like “I’d rather not discuss that.”

The silver lining is that two boys will play together!! You are so lucky there, as this will cut down work for you a lot. Boys and girls just don’t play together the same way or for as long.

When your new son comes let yourself fall in love with him.

When I first got pregnant, my pregnancy was going as expected until I when into spontaneous labour at 20 weeks. I was on holiday visiting a small village, there were no Drs and I really was lucky to survive. My baby was whisked away and buried with out me seeing or holding it. When I got over that I asked those that were there what sex it was and I was told that no one actually looked and that it was just buried. It took me a while to get over. For my following pregnancies I was always glad to just know the sex and be grateful. Sorry not sure if it connected to gender disappointment but my first pregnancy taught me personally that as long as I know what I'm carrying and it's healthy I wouldn't care if I had 10 girls or boys in a row. OP hopefully with time these feelings won't be as raw.