1st trimester over, baby fine but more worried not less!!! (longish - sorry)

[berolina]

Hi everyone. I'm pretty new to Mumsnet but some of you will have seen me getting 'stuck in' and posting on threads before. Thse of you who have may have realised I'm somewhat of a worrier... and I want to write a bit about that now, wondering if anyone has been or is going through a similar thing.
I'm nearly 13 weeks (due on 1 June) with my 1st baby. Before this pregnancy I had a very early miscarriage (at about 5 weeks) in July. I'm very fortunate in that the m/c was complete and physically not traumatic, just like a period really. I've also been very lucky in that I got pg easily both times. Of course I was terrified at the beginning of this pregnancy that the same thing would happen again - after getting my BFP I was really confused, almost wishing we hadn't ttc again because I didn't feel I could cope with the worry or with another m/c. I went for several early scans because of spotting. But up until now everything has been fine and apart from tiredness I have been having an easy time of it. My last scan was at 11w 3d after losing a tiny clot and the baby is absolutely fine. I really did think I would breathe a big sigh of relief on passing the 12 week mark and would be able to relax and enjoy the pregnancy more. I was elated to get to 12wks, but since then I've actually started worrying more - not really different worries, the same ones as before, but worse! I feel like I did right at the beginning of the pregnancy - every day there is a new cause to worry (well, I'm lucky if it is only one). Here's an example: went for a service, followed by a carol service choir rehearsal, in a very cold church today, then a winter walk outside in the lovely but cold weather - it was freezing, it took me a while to warm up afterwards and now I am terrified that it was too cold, too long for baby and that s/he won't have survived it. My mind seems to have been going into overdrive inventing all these things which could be a danger to the little one. My poor dh is suffering too with my hygiene paranoia (worrying that any tiny specks of mud on his trousers will give me toxoplasmosis - of course I had a test done and know I'm not immune - etc. etc. - I appreciate I couldn't worry so much about this if I already had kids!!!). The summer is such a horribly long time away and the pregnancy now seems no more 'real' than it did when I got my BFP - I just can't allow myself to look forward to or to make plans for this baby. I've been inventing 'contingency plans' for dealing with Christmas in case I'm not pregnant any more then! Then there's the problem of the New Year's fireworks (this is a big tradition here in Germany and people do sometimes let them off in the street, 'test' them etc.) - what if I'm out and about and one hits me in the stomach? You get the picture! I'm just so overwhelmed by the responsibility of having a little life growing inside me and just want my baby so much - but I do want to feel able to look forward to him/her! Can anyone tell/help me to snap out of this? Anyone else going through this? I do realise how lucky I am compared to some people who've had recurrent m/c or problems conceiving, and I realise I should try and be a bit less worked up about the whole thing, but IT IS SO HARD!!! Am 27 and have had a fair few very hairy experiences in my life, so I did kind of assume I'd cope better with this lovely experience! Anyone got any advice or constructive criticism for me? Thanks!

Hi Berolina.

first of all a certain amount of anxiety is normal during PG. But I went through a lot of anxiety about safety/hygiene etc during my PG - I did have a pre PG history of OCD, and my OCD blew up during my PG, resulting in compulsive handwashing and feeling constantly anxious/depressed from about 4 months PG onwards. of course I was an extreme case, and am not for one minute saying that you are/will be anywhere near as bad as this, but I think I can identify withhow you are feeling at present.

I think that the best things you can do at the moment to stop it getting out of hand is:-
1)relax as much as possible. any anxiety problem is worse if you are stressed/is lessened if you relax - try breathing exercises (I found the ante-natal breathinbg classes generally useful for this), maybe try swimming etc
2)apply the "best friend test" to everything - i.e. don't apply unrealistically strict standards. If your best friend said - I am 6 months PG and said - I want to go sky diving or ski jumping, then yes, you might be justified in thinking that was inadvisable. but if your best friend said - I went to the fireworks/my dh wore some trousers with a brown speck on - then you wouldn't think she had done anything wrong/likely to endanger her baby. you then need to learn to judge yourself/your conduct as understandingly as you learn to judge other people
3)you are to a certain extent choosing to regard certain things as unacceptably risky (like toxo) as you feel that protecting agains them should be under your control. but there are lots of things in life that carry a minor risk - switching the light on, crossing the road, travelling on the roads etc, and you just have to accept that that. it is highly unlikely statistically that you will get toxo (and even if you were exposed to it during PG, fairly unlikely it would cause any harm to the baby.)
4)don't fall into the trap of seeing dangers that aren't there - like the dirt on your dh's trousers scenario. the books/health guidance give you all the precautions you need to avoid toxo - don't go overboard taking extra precautions
5)just because you are feeling fear, doesn't mean that it is a justified fear.

I found that once I had started feeling my baby move (about 19/20 weeks), I felt a bit less anxious.

hth and best of luck in your PG.

Hi Berolina,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so anxious. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything would be ok!
As mummytosteven mentioned, it is pretty normal to feel anxious, nervous, and thinking about the worst scenarios all the time. I am in my 2nd preganancy and keep thinking about the worst all the time.. I also had a mc 1st time around and I know how much tension that adds to the following pregnancy.
However, I think it is important that you enjoy your pregnancy. What I would really ask myself is : are these worries preventing me from enjoying this wonderful event? If not, just keep reminding yourself that is normal and let your rational side take over. If it is though, you might want to talk with someone that can give you more specific help.people.
You may also try to give yourself a nice pampering break, and see if it reduces the overall stress.
Hope you feel better!

Hi,
Mummytosteven & Lua have given you some excellent advice & I can't really add anything to it.In fact I am going to take their advice myself.

Your m/c is probably affecting how worried you are.Because this happened,you are understandably less likely to be able to go through pregnancy like someone who has never had anything bad happen.Sadly you are now aware that not everything has a happy ending.

I lost my first baby too & don't think that I will ever again assume that a positive pregnancy test equates to atually having a baby & that things will be fine.

On the positive side,the chances of m/c at this stage are 1% or less.The babies organs are all formed,all it has to do now is grow.It is well profected & padded inside you,so there is not much that can hurt it.

I agree that the summer seems a long way away,but I am looking at it this way-in 5 wks or so it will be 2005-the year we have our babies!

I hope you feel better soon-it is horrid being pregnant & stressed out.

Mirage

ps can you get Bach Rescue Remedies in Germany?They are safe to take in pregnancy-my pharmacist rang the company to check & I find they are a real help when I start getting panicky.

Hi Berolina
No real advice to give but just wanted to say worrying throughout your pregnancy is not uncommon and perhaps you have more reason to worry because of your early miscarriage. But an early miscarriage in your first pregnancy is very common and not really liable to make you prone to another one, especially as you have got past the dangerous time.
I was anxious during my pregnancies (all 4!) though not as bad as you are. I remember asking my doctor when I was pg for the second time if it was alright to go surfing in the sea (which at the time was cold enough to necessitate me wearing a wetsuit). He was very kind to me but made it perfectly clear there was nothing to worry about. The same is true of you and your baby when you went out for a walk today. The baby is snug inside your womb and won't have felt the cold at all.
The only hope I can offer you is that when you feel your baby kick inside you, you will have a better idea that it is alive and well. You should start to feel it soon. My first baby was born at the end of June and I remember I started feeling him in the New Year, so you might be feeling yours by Christmas. What a wonder ful present that would be for you!
Please try not to worry although I know that is hard. Your worry might transmit itself to your baby and you wouldn't want that, would you? However, if you can't stop worrying, don't add to it by thinking your worry is damaging the baby: it didn't seem to harm my four children who are all well adjusted.
Rest assured you are through the danger period and try to stay calm and serene. I wish you all the luck in the world with your pregnancy and hope to read your birth announcement in June!

I just want to add that your body is doing a magnificent job of protecting your baby, keeping him/her safe and warm. Your little one is lucky to have a mummy who cares so very much about them. Just think in your mind that when you are holding your little one in your arms, you will not remember any of these worries, she/he will be safe with you. Keep on getting out your scan pictures and looking at your little one snuggled up safely inside you and that will always remind you that he/she is on their way.xx

Thank you so much all of you. Lots of sensible advice and lovely thoughts to help me!
I know how wound up I'm getting and realistically, applying the 'best friend test' (thanks MummytoSteven) a lot of my worries are OTT. I think the m/c is affecting me and due to negative experiences in my past I have developed a sort of 'just in case' cautious/pessimistic attitude - but I would hate to not enjoy the pregnancy because of that.

Berolina, I had an early m/c with my first pregnancy, and I too suffered with extreme anxiety with my next pregnancy, which like you was very soon afterwards (I didn't have a period in between). There has been some really excellent advice given here, wish I had Mumsnet when I was going through it 5 years ago.
What did get me through, was seeing a counsellor. This was arranged through my GP, so was free, and was a specific maternity counselling service. I don't know if anything like this exists in your area (i am in Portsmouth), but if you feel it might help it's worth asking your GP. I just found it helped to talk to someone impartial about my small but insurmountable fears, which I didn't want to talk to DH about (I felt I was burdening him, and that gave me something else to feel responsible for). I knew there was someone I could offload on, and help me get things in perspective (incidentally the counsellor was a midwife, which also helped as she could reassure about normal pregnancy).
Really hope there is something like this available to you, as I know I found it a real lifeline.
Incidentally, as lots of other people have said, it is completely normal to feel anxious, especially following a miscarriage, and it does get better as time goes on. Feeling your baby kick is the most wonderful thing, and precious reassurance that all is well. I found the stage you are at now the hardest, you are starting to feel less sick and tired, but can't yet feel movement, so have no instant reassurance. I know how hard it is. I felt that nothing could reassure me until I had that baby in my arms. Seeing a terrific counsellor helped me to relax and enjoy my pregnancy.
Sorry if I've rambled, this has brought back alot of memories. Will be thinking of you, and looking forward to your birth anouncement. Take care, nic x.

I am new to mumsnet but have taken great comfort from reading some of the threads. I am 13. 5 weeks pregnant first time and have been spotting intermittently for 2 weeks now. I also have 2 cysts - one which was at last measuring 5cm - one on each side - which i presume are what is causing me low, full and sometimes sharp pain. I have felt pretty dreadful now because of morning sickness for 9 weeks or so, and the stress of checking for any blood every time i go to the loo is taking its toll. My baby has been scanned 3 times in the last 2 weeks and seems to be absolutely fine - wriggling around, the right size, with a strong heart beat and everything growing as it should be. there is no apparently reason for the spotting they can see. i am just so anxious, and feel inconsolable and unable to enjoy this time at all, rationally i know that if i was going to miscarry i would probably be experiencing real pain and heavy bleeding but i find it difficult to remain rational all the time. also, my d h bought me a doppler heart beat monitor which has brought me real comfort - we immediately picked up the baby's heart beat - but then a midwife who i spoke to said she thought it was ridiculous that vulnerable pregnant women were sold machines that take weeks of training to use and that we couldn't possibly be hearing the baby's heart beat. ( to which - if not that - what the hell was it?) i suppose i just felt like connecting with some other mums, i read berolina's message and i felt for you - and then realised i share different - but similar anxiety. any thoughts - welcome!

I am new to mumsnet but have taken great comfort from reading some of the threads. I am 13. 5 weeks pregnant first time and have been spotting intermittently for 2 weeks now. I also have 2 cysts - one which was at last measuring 5cm - one on each side - which i presume are what is causing me low, full and sometimes sharp pain. I have felt pretty dreadful now because of morning sickness for 9 weeks or so, and the stress of checking for any blood every time i go to the loo is taking its toll. My baby has been scanned 3 times in the last 2 weeks and seems to be absolutely fine - wriggling around, the right size, with a strong heart beat and everything growing as it should be. there is no apparently reason for the spotting they can see. i am just so anxious, and feel inconsolable and unable to enjoy this time at all, rationally i know that if i was going to miscarry i would probably be experiencing real pain and heavy bleeding but i find it difficult to remain rational all the time. also, my d h bought me a doppler heart beat monitor which has brought me real comfort - we immediately picked up the baby's heart beat - but then a midwife who i spoke to said she thought it was ridiculous that vulnerable pregnant women were sold machines that take weeks of training to use and that we couldn't possibly be hearing the baby's heart beat. ( to which - if not that - what the hell was it?) i suppose i just felt like connecting with some other mums, i read berolina's message and i felt for you - and then realised i share different - but similar anxiety. any thoughts - welcome!

Hi & welcome to Mumsnet.
I am in your situation with the bleeding.It's horrible isn't it.Mine was at 10.5 & 13wks & I am now 16wks but still knicker checking.

I'm still anxiuos now & this is my 3rd pregnancy & 2nd baby.I think every pregnant woman worries constantly.In the early weeks I worried about of miscarrying,after that,fear of something abnormal showing up on the 20wk scan/premature birth ect.

I am currently trying to take my own advice,which is,just to take every day as it comes & don't think about what might/could happen.Every day that passes means that your baby is growing bigger & stronger & you are one day closer to meeting him/her.

Sorry-have to go now,dd is shouting.
Love
Mirage