Worrying about the future

[MumToBe22]

I'm almost 22 years of age, i am a student at college and next week I will be 20 weeks pregnant. I was with baby daddy up until around a month and a half ago but haven't spoken since. I found out I was pregnant quite early on and told my mum couple months back. She told me it was entirely my choice and that she wouldn't be able to help me with that decision. Few days ago she started going deep into conversation explaining how I would never be successful in life, how difficult it will be for me financially especially without having a job right now, being a single mum is going to be very difficult and I will be limited to many things. She's worried about what the rest of the family is going to be thinking as non of them know yet. I know my mum is the only person that will be able to help as she's the only person nearby and I know she will try help as much as possible but she's got a life of her own aswell, constantly working. I'm so worried to inform the rest of the family as I know I will be judged. My mum hasn't had one good thing to say about any of this since the past few days of talking about everything. She's making it difficult for me to look forward anymore, I'm worried to what's going to come in the future thought that by now my mum would at least be happy for me, she's being nothing but negative as apparently this is all 'reality'

Is your mum perhaps feeling negative and worried about her own life at the moment given the current cost of living crisis etc and is now projecting that onto you?

What I would say is this - I had my first child young (pregnant at 18 and gave birth at 19) and I was told I'd never be able to progress or be successful in life, never br able to do holidays etc etc. But guess what, that simply wasn't true!

I went to uni when my child was 18 months old and worked while he was in nursery and I wasn't in classes. I saved my money and was sensible with spending.

I was on benefits for part of my working life and had to make a decision at one point;

Go full time and be on less money but eventually progress in my career and earn well

Or

Stay part time with benefits top up.

I decided to take the hit on income so that I could eventually get where I wanted to be.

I now own my own house, work in a job I love and have had great life experiences with my child.

Message here is you can do anything you want if you apply yourself and work hard! Tell your family about the baby and they'll come round I'm sure.

Good luck 😊

@DanniG1

Is your mum perhaps feeling negative and worried about her own life at the moment given the current cost of living crisis etc and is now projecting that onto you?

What I would say is this - I had my first child young (pregnant at 18 and gave birth at 19) and I was told I'd never be able to progress or be successful in life, never br able to do holidays etc etc. But guess what, that simply wasn't true!

I went to uni when my child was 18 months old and worked while he was in nursery and I wasn't in classes. I saved my money and was sensible with spending.

I was on benefits for part of my working life and had to make a decision at one point;

Go full time and be on less money but eventually progress in my career and earn well

Or

Stay part time with benefits top up.

I decided to take the hit on income so that I could eventually get where I wanted to be.

I now own my own house, work in a job I love and have had great life experiences with my child.

Message here is you can do anything you want if you apply yourself and work hard! Tell your family about the baby and they'll come round I'm sure.

Good luck 😊

Thank you for taking your time to reply, I'm glad you've been able to share your experience with me as starting of a single mum. My mum has 3 children and was left to be a single mum just after her second child (me) was born. At this point she had to move back in with my grandparents, she was working as a nurse but still found it difficult financially. I know she's worried because of the way her life's ended up. she moved to a different country When I was around 7, found someone else and had another child (my brother who is now 14). She was together with the dad for around 10 years to then find out he's an alcoholic. It's upsetting for me to keep getting reminded I'm never going to be successful due to being a single mum , not being in a good position financially, not being able to get all the support and help from others as there all so far away; not being able to go on holidays.. etc, etc. I feel guilty right now due to my mum constantly working picking up extra shifts all the time to be able to help me as much as possible. I feel like she's worrying far too much but just because her life's been the way it is does not mean mine will be too! No one said it was going to be easy but I wish she at least had a little faith in me, but no! Apparently everything my mum is saying is all reality and not negativity!!

@MumToBe22 it does sound like your mum is projecting her negative feelings and life experiences onto you.

Try to take stock of what she's saying but use it in a way that motivates you to make choices that will mean you get the best out of life. Having a child doesn't mean you get no life experiences it just means they may be a little different and your path may be different to that of your friends but there's certainly no right or wrong way to do things.

[quote DanniG1]@MumToBe22 it does sound like your mum is projecting her negative feelings and life experiences onto you.

Try to take stock of what she's saying but use it in a way that motivates you to make choices that will mean you get the best out of life. Having a child doesn't mean you get no life experiences it just means they may be a little different and your path may be different to that of your friends but there's certainly no right or wrong way to do things.[/quote]
Sorry in the last message I was meant to say starting as a young mum not single **

I think so too, I wish she would be more open minded than what she's being.

It's worrying to tell the rest of the family because I know my gran will be feeling even worse than my mum is.

I don't want to be a family disappointed.

• my mum already thinks I am, I'm worried for when I announce as she'll be embarrassed about people (friends & family) asking about my pregnancy, who the dad is etc as I'm not with him.

There is plenty of women out there who end up single, I think she's overthinking.
It's just hurtful to see she can't be positive about my pregnancy whatsoever.

Hopefully once the baby arrives I can prove to her that my life isn't going to be as sad as she's making out.

Hi, it's scary being pregnant and thinking of all the what ifs and future, I'm currently feeling a bit like that myself, however I'm 37 will be 38 soon.

This is my second child, I had my first when I was 18, split with his Dad when baby was around a year old, I went to college to do night classes then went to uni when he was a toddler, I managed on benefits and student loans until I finished uni my son was at school I then started work and worked my way up to a managerial position when he was 11. I was a single Mum up until he was 14 when I met my current partner. My son is now at university himself.

It can be tough at times but honestly I wouldn't change anything for the world. I think your Mum is telling you all that in an effort to "prepare" you and in her own way "protect" you. If she's only just said it all, give her some time, then next time she starts again could you gently say, "I know mum we've talked about all this, I know it's not going to be easy but so that I can move forward and start preparing for my baby and our future I need you to support me on concentrating on the positives"

Good luck with everything, you sound like you are sensible and mature and I think you are going to make a great Mum.

Also my Mum was quite upset when I told her I was pregnant for similar reasons to your Mum. Once baby was born she was thrilled and the best Nan he could ask for.

@Poppypip1

Hi, it's scary being pregnant and thinking of all the what ifs and future, I'm currently feeling a bit like that myself, however I'm 37 will be 38 soon.

This is my second child, I had my first when I was 18, split with his Dad when baby was around a year old, I went to college to do night classes then went to uni when he was a toddler, I managed on benefits and student loans until I finished uni my son was at school I then started work and worked my way up to a managerial position when he was 11. I was a single Mum up until he was 14 when I met my current partner. My son is now at university himself.

It can be tough at times but honestly I wouldn't change anything for the world. I think your Mum is telling you all that in an effort to "prepare" you and in her own way "protect" you. If she's only just said it all, give her some time, then next time she starts again could you gently say, "I know mum we've talked about all this, I know it's not going to be easy but so that I can move forward and start preparing for my baby and our future I need you to support me on concentrating on the positives"

Good luck with everything, you sound like you are sensible and mature and I think you are going to make a great Mum.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. It's good to hear other people speaking about what they've went through and what they did to achieve where they are at.

I know once the baby is born my mum will put that aside about everything that's been spoken about and that's when I will be able to work round things.

She's stressed and just talking from own experience, I just wish she wasn't as worried about everything as much as she is as that's putting me down with her.

Thank you so much and I hope you all the best for the future!

I went through something similar at 21. Got pregnant, dad didn’t want to be involved at all and hadn’t even graduated uni at that point. Fast forward 13 years … it was difficult living at home but whilst it was hard to move out it was the best thing I ever did. DD was nearly 3 when I did as it had got to the point where I couldn’t live with my mum any more. We actually had a better relationship when I moved out as well as I wasn’t bearing the brunt of any of her emotions anymore.

I went on to have DS just over a year after I moved out then got a full time job to make sure I could stay as independent as possible.

My mum thought I’d destroyed my life and actually told me to get rid of DD and DS but wouldn’t be without them now and both have there own bedrooms at her house for when they stop over.

It does get easier with space and time.

@Comz

I went through something similar at 21. Got pregnant, dad didn’t want to be involved at all and hadn’t even graduated uni at that point. Fast forward 13 years … it was difficult living at home but whilst it was hard to move out it was the best thing I ever did. DD was nearly 3 when I did as it had got to the point where I couldn’t live with my mum any more. We actually had a better relationship when I moved out as well as I wasn’t bearing the brunt of any of her emotions anymore.

I went on to have DS just over a year after I moved out then got a full time job to make sure I could stay as independent as possible.

My mum thought I’d destroyed my life and actually told me to get rid of DD and DS but wouldn’t be without them now and both have there own bedrooms at her house for when they stop over.

It does get easier with space and time.

Thanks for getting back and sharing your experience.

I'm glad that there are people out there that have been in that position and can share their story. Definitely makes me feel better to know that with time you can make things happen, just at a slower pace.

Hopefully soon things will settle with my mum!

They say time is a great healer and it is true.

My mum does have a great relationship with my eldest now but didn’t when she was younger as she was all my dad. Now my mum texts her every morning to ask how she is lol whilst it annoys the shit out of my nearly 13 year old, I do have to remind her that when she was 3 she threatened to leave home to go to nanny’s and take her potty with her

But whilst certain things do get easier, I’m currently mustering up the courage to tell her I’m 8 weeks pregnant again with identical twins. Knowing my mum she will have a heart attack as she thought I was done with 2 kids but then again so was I. I nearly told her the other day when she’s on about downgrading from her mini to a fiat 500 as there wouldn’t be enough room for all the kids when I need help on the school run. This is why I say it does get easier but even at nearly 35 there’s still things I shit my self on telling my mum about.

@Comz

They say time is a great healer and it is true.

My mum does have a great relationship with my eldest now but didn’t when she was younger as she was all my dad. Now my mum texts her every morning to ask how she is lol whilst it annoys the shit out of my nearly 13 year old, I do have to remind her that when she was 3 she threatened to leave home to go to nanny’s and take her potty with her

But whilst certain things do get easier, I’m currently mustering up the courage to tell her I’m 8 weeks pregnant again with identical twins. Knowing my mum she will have a heart attack as she thought I was done with 2 kids but then again so was I. I nearly told her the other day when she’s on about downgrading from her mini to a fiat 500 as there wouldn’t be enough room for all the kids when I need help on the school run. This is why I say it does get easier but even at nearly 35 there’s still things I shit my self on telling my mum about.

Aww haha! least it's all turned out good in the end.

Gives me some reassurance knowing that with time given it will all get better.
Aw that's amazing, with twins aswell.. congratulations!!

Hopefully your mum will take it in good, well I hope you all the best for the future!

So this is not the same but my gran is catholic and very religious. When my aunt got pregnant out of wedlock my gran was very upset about it and initially would not speak to her. But needless to say when her grandson was born she was thrilled and she loves him as she does all her grandchildren snd great grandchildren. I have a 4 week old baby (my granny not remotely bothered by the fact I’m not married to her dad!) and it’s hard even with my very supportive partner so I’m sure life is a single mum can be tough at times… but many people do it and I’m sure your family will come around. On the positive side you’ll still be young when your baby starts school so you will have opportunities and I definitely don’t think it means you can’t be successful in life.